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I'm at a point in my life where I feel like my world is crumbling around me. I've been looking for other people who may have or might be going through a similar life experience. I have an 11 yo adopted daughter who I love more than life itself. She came home when she was nine months old. Her adoptive father and I divorced shortly after she came home and she grew up splitting time evenly in my house and his. I was single until she was five and I met my current husband. We now have a bio daughter together who is six and his son/my step-son who is 10. From the time I was pregnant to present day, my adopted daughter has been acting jealous and outright mean. She purposefully withholds love and affection from my husband and especially my bio daughter. She dominates my bio daughter, ignores her and makes her feel unloved. She's hostile, often loses her temper, talks back and most recently had a physical altercation with someone at school (she slapped a classmate across the face because the classmate accidentally kicked the soccer ball in her face). We do not condone violence in our house and no one has ever spanked her. Her passive-aggressive behavior is starting to make my bio daughter indifferent to my adopted daughter and it is BREAKING my heart and soul. I understand siblings don't get along all the time however this is to another level. My adopted daughter's father (my ex husband) says none of this happens in his house so I assume it's based on my family dynamics and extreme jealousy of my biological daughter and my husband. My adopted daughter has even made comments to me (in front of my husband) that she "wishes life would be like it was before" meaning she'd be happy if my husband and biological daughter were not in the picture. I can't express in words how much that hurts to hear because I see our life as extremely blessed with both of them in it. I have an appointment at the end of the month with a therapist who deals with adoptees and I'm really hoping she can help me and my adopted daughter work on our family dynamics. I believe my adopted daughter has repressed anger stemming from her adoption. My adopted daughter knows that her birth mom has other children she did not place for adoption so I'm left thinking maybe she's angry about that. If anyone has been through something similar and can give any insight (or hope), please share. I have never felt so discouraged and alone in my life. I feel like a huge weight is on my chest. I love both my adopted daughter and bio daughter equally but I can't continue to allow my adopted daughter to tear my bio daughter to pieces.
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KyleXY XY likes this.
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Jennifer,I would love to offer to be a pen pal with your daughter (of course, you SHOULD, be in control and read everything). I'm adopted too. I am a 30-year-old Female. My name is Erika. I go by Kyle X Y because it was a TV show in the 90s about a person without a belly button. Your daughter's world has been ripped to shreds along with all forms of security. She spent a total of 18 months with another woman, her first emotional attachment. What happened to that first emotional attachment? She survived that loss and got a new set of parents. Then what happened to her second family? I'd wish to go back to the time before too. When my world made sense. You calm the anger with understanding "I would be mad too" or it makes sense what you're feeling. It is completely normal. "You feel like you got the short end of the stick in all of this, don't you?" --- go ask her that and watch her reaction. Good call with the adoption therapist.
Thanks Erika for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I remember the show Kyle X Y.I honestly have never correlated her time with her foster mom and then with me as any loss of emotional attachment however you do make a very good point. She was nine months old when she came home to me so I always assumed since she was a baby there would be no long term mental or emotional effects. She was placed with her foster mom when she was two days old and then stayed with her until the adoption was finalized. We've always been very open about the entire process and any information we know about her birth mom and father (which is very little). Due to comments she has made or questions she has asked, I think it's somewhat painful for her to know she has older siblings who were not placed for adoption. I would never ask her how she feels about getting a short end of a stick. I would not want her to feel like she's any less for being my daughter and adopted. It would be hurtful and I wouldn't want to inflict pain upon her. She is in every way my flesh and blood even though she did not come from my womb. I'm very hopeful the therapist can help her work through the emotions and thoughts she has. I feel I can only help her so much and she needs a third-party, unbiased professional.