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Bet that headline grabbed ya, didn't it? Even if you're here out of morbid curiosity, thanks for stopping by. Because I'm holding out hope that I can find someone in a similar situation . . . or even someone who can remotely understand or just plain empathize. Everything else I've tried has been in vain. Try googling "I'm resentful of my adopted siblings" and you'll get a big fat zero in the way of help. Dare to mention you harbor any ill will about them to anyone and it's akin to confessing you love to drown kittens in your spare time. Particularly if, from all outward appearances, they're well adjusted, happy, successful, and the poster children for adoption done right.
I wasn't resentful from the get-go, but have gotten that way over the years as I've been repeatedly disappointed. It's all compounded by the fact I never say anything negative to anyone about it for fear of being judged. Drowning kittens, remember? To this day, any misgivings I have about my life being turned upside down by complete strangers have only been shared with my husband, two grown children, and a few counselors along the way - unless those google searches count. It's bugging me enough lately, however, that here I am - looking for empathy, someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way or, best case scenario, a kindred spirit.
Before I really get going, a few caveats: a) I realize how horribly selfish all this is going to sound, that's part of the struggle so please don't pile on by pointing that out. If you've a rosy adoption story, I'm happy for you. b) I love my parents and although I don't feel the same about my siblings, I also don't wish that my parents had done anything differently. I wouldn't want anyone to grow up the way they would have had to if they'd not been adopted.
Little background: I was an only child until my parents adopted my youngest sister. I was 10, she was an infant. A year and a half later, my parents adopted again. This time another girl and two boys, ages 3, 5, and 7. They are biological siblings and, I think, this plays a big role in the dynamics that exist between us. Also - I'm white, like my parents, and they're all Asian - another "obstacle" I could never overcome.
My struggle: I'm resentful of them because, despite years of trying, I feel like I've always been left out and have never really been important to any of them. It's affecting my every day life because I just can't seem to let it go.
If I had to put a finer point on what I wrestle with, and what's contributed most to the growing resentment, it would be this: I have, since the very beginning, failed to feel accepted as a sibling. Have never felt like I was part of them and was always jealous of their connection. I exist in this strange "other" category. Like they view my parents and I as a unit. We do this superficial act-like-we're-siblings thing but really it is a siblings-in-name-only thing or a she-came-with-the-house thing. I absolutely think it is exacerbated by what I mentioned earlier - that because the three kids in the middle are biological and undoubtedly bonded by the trauma that led up to them being placed in an orphanage - they didn't "need" me like I "needed" or "wanted" them. So, for me, it's literally been 47 years of struggling to feel accepted. And this isn't just something in my head - I've been left out of weddings, not included on vacations they take together, never been invited to either of my brothers' houses, and have a hundred other examples of exclusion I could list. Two years ago this July an incident happened that, to me, was the last straw and I finally gave up. I was literally tired of trying. I haven't heard from two of them since, and I've heard from the other two once. Soon as I quit making an effort, I ceased to exist.
A few things that haven't helped the situation:
1) the world's attitude about adoption. And maybe this is where a post like this might be helpful to someone. As a child, when you're presented with the prospect of your parents adopting, it's framed as the most wonderful, selfless, giving act you could ever hope to participate in. EVERYONE gushes about how great your family is, how special your parents are, what an amazing thing you're doing for others . . . for cripes sake, we made the front page of the local newspaper when we adopted . . . so what kid is going to feel like they can voice ANYTHING negative or utter any misgivings? In reality, my whole world was turned upside down and my mother, who'd spent every waking minute prior to this making me the center of her universe, was instantly consumed by a houseful of little people she couldn't even speak to. I get it. I respect that. But to say I took a back burner overnight is an understatement. The remainder of my adolescent life was polar opposite of what it had been. And while I get that nobody's life is ever the same after the addition of siblings, adopted or not, the "instant family" feeling I thought I'd get to make up for it never manifested.
2) my mother's relentless drive to make sure no one could ever say we're not loved equally. Mostly because she usually accomplishes this by making sure never to point out anything special about me. If she did, that would (by default), mean she didn't love them as much as me and, God forbid, what would people think? What kind of adoptive mother would she be if she appeared to favor her own flesh and blood, if only for a second? This has also manifested itself in a weird reluctance she has to acknowledge anything dealing with genetics. Once, when my great-grandmother was still alive and we were all together, I asked someone to take a picture of our hands lined up next to each other (I was fascinated that they looked identical). My mother absolutely FORBID anything of the sort because it might make my siblings feel bad. Okay to deny me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity though because it meant she wasn't showing favoritism.
3) there's absolutely NO chance of addressing this with the people that matter. I got brave enough (or was full of enough wine) to broach the subject ONCE with three of them several years ago and, at the time, felt some hope that things would be different going forward, but they weren't. Additionally, I would NEVER reveal my feelings to my parents. They're in their 80's. They did a good thing. They need to go to their graves feeling like they did a good thing. Hurting them (which knowledge of this would) is not an option.
Where does that leave me? Thankfully I get some support from my husband and girls but generally I feel like they're tired of hearing about it and think I should move on. So that leads me here - looking for support from strangers. And creating a loooooong, albeit cathartic, post to ask the question - is there anyone out there like me? any only children whose parents adopted and you felt like you were never part of the club? always outside looking in? your identity never really separated from your parents?
Bueller? Bueller? Sigh.
Last update on February 9, 4:52 am by Kelly Newell.
My 4 boys are adopted: they are 2 sets of bio brothers. But mine were fostered first so that may have made a difference. I thing I notice is the age difference. My bio sister and I are ten years apart and weren't close as kids. We're nominally close now. Another factor is their nationality and the fact that there's a bio group. That's sort of a plus for your parents. It probably would have helped if one was white but you never know how things will turn out. I know bio siblings who don't speak so having a bio sib isn't a guarantee of anything. Adoption is based on loss The adoptees lost their culture and extended families. People don't talk about that. Maybe if you try to empathize with them, you'll feel better.
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Advising me to empathize is really proving my point regarding the expectations that surround bio kids. And I know how horribly defensive this response is going to sound. I appreciate your input and it’s got some good insight. But suggesting l empathize? I’ve been empathizing my ENTIRE life. I welcomed them into my home, called them family, shared everything l had including my parents, have traveled to their home country three times, visited the original orphanage where they were abandoned, met their birth family when they were located and embraced them as my own, rescued one sister from a possible suicide attempt and have repeatedly let an alcoholic brother take advantage of me and verbally abuse me because l could empathize with both of their pain. So empathy? I think I’ve got that part down. In reality, the fact that the empathy has not been returned in part or in kind is exactly the point of my post.
Oh Kelly :cry: my heart goes out to you. I'm probably not the help that you are seeking, but I wanted to reply to this. I can't imagine you are the only person this has happened to and I truly hope you connect with others that have had the same experience. I am thankful you shared your story and I think it's a very real concern that parents like yours should be aware of.
I did relate slightly. I too am an only child. My situation didn't involve any adoptions, but I acquired 2 step sisters along the way and they are biological sisters. I'm also 10 years older and always tried forming some kind of sisterly bond with them, but it never panned out that way. And like you, I finally stopped trying. I know it's not the same thing, but I do know that feeling of not fitting in.
I think you did the right thing by trying to reach out to people with a similar situation. Considering you don't feel you can get anywhere with your family, I think it's your best bet towards a solution ... at least that way you can swap stories, get other perspectives, and be a support system for each other. That would help take away the burden you may feel it puts on your husband and kids. Now we just need to find you those people!
I may have read something wrong, but what about the first adopted child? Asian too? Does that one fit in with the 3 that came later?
Bet that headline grabbed ya, didn't it? Even if you're here out of morbid curiosity, thanks for stopping by. Because I'm holding out hope that I can find someone in a similar situation . . . or even someone who can remotely understand or just plain empathize. Everything else I've tried has been in vain. Try googling "I'm resentful of my adopted siblings" and you'll get a big fat zero in the way of help. Dare to mention you harbor any ill will about them to anyone and it's akin to confessing you love to drown kittens in your spare time. Particularly if, from all outward appearances, they're well adjusted, happy, successful, and the poster children for adoption done right.
I wasn't resentful from the get-go, but have gotten that way over the years as I've been repeatedly disappointed. It's all compounded by the fact I never say anything negative to anyone about it for fear of being judged. Drowning kittens, remember? To this day, any misgivings I have about my life being turned upside down by complete strangers have only been shared with my husband, two grown children, and a few counselors along the way - unless those google searches count. It's bugging me enough lately, however, that here I am - looking for empathy, someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way or, best case scenario, a kindred spirit.
Before I really get going, a few caveats: a) I realize how horribly selfish all this is going to sound, that's part of the struggle so please don't pile on by pointing that out. If you've a rosy adoption story, I'm happy for you. b) I love my parents and although I don't feel the same about my siblings, I also don't wish that my parents had done anything differently. I wouldn't want anyone to grow up the way they would have had to if they'd not been adopted.
Little background: I was an only child until my parents adopted my youngest sister. I was 10, she was an infant. A year and a half later, my parents adopted again. This time another girl and two boys, ages 3, 5, and 7. They are biological siblings and, I think, this plays a big role in the dynamics that exist between us. Also - I'm white, like my parents, and they're all Asian - another "obstacle" I could never overcome.
My struggle: I'm resentful of them because, despite years of trying, I feel like I've always been left out and have never really been important to any of them. It's affecting my every day life because I just can't seem to let it go.
If I had to put a finer point on what I wrestle with, and what's contributed most to the growing resentment, it would be this: I have, since the very beginning, failed to feel accepted as a sibling. Have never felt like I was part of them and was always jealous of their connection. I exist in this strange "other" category. Like they view my parents and I as a unit. We do this superficial act-like-we're-siblings thing but really it is a siblings-in-name-only thing or a she-came-with-the-house thing. I absolutely think it is exacerbated by what I mentioned earlier - that because the three kids in the middle are biological and undoubtedly bonded by the trauma that led up to them being placed in an orphanage - they didn't "need" me like I "needed" or "wanted" them. So, for me, it's literally been 47 years of struggling to feel accepted. And this isn't just something in my head - I've been left out of weddings, not included on vacations they take together, never been invited to either of my brothers' houses, and have a hundred other examples of exclusion I could list. Two years ago this July an incident happened that, to me, was the last straw and I finally gave up. I was literally tired of trying. I haven't heard from two of them since, and I've heard from the other two once. Soon as I quit making an effort, I ceased to exist.
A few things that haven't helped the situation:
1) the world's attitude about adoption. And maybe this is where a post like this might be helpful to someone. As a child, when you're presented with the prospect of your parents adopting, it's framed as the most wonderful, selfless, giving act you could ever hope to participate in. EVERYONE gushes about how great your family is, how special your parents are, what an amazing thing you're doing for others . . . for cripes sake, we made the front page of the local newspaper when we adopted . . . so what kid is going to feel like they can voice ANYTHING negative or utter any misgivings? In reality, my whole world was turned upside down and my mother, who'd spent every waking minute prior to this making me the center of her universe, was instantly consumed by a houseful of little people she couldn't even speak to. I get it. I respect that. But to say I took a back burner overnight is an understatement. The remainder of my adolescent life was polar opposite of what it had been. And while I get that nobody's life is ever the same after the addition of siblings, adopted or not, the "instant family" feeling I thought I'd get to make up for it never manifested.
2) my mother's relentless drive to make sure no one could ever say we're not loved equally. Mostly because she usually accomplishes this by making sure never to point out anything special about me. If she did, that would (by default), mean she didn't love them as much as me and, God forbid, what would people think? What kind of adoptive mother would she be if she appeared to favor her own flesh and blood, if only for a second? This has also manifested itself in a weird reluctance she has to acknowledge anything dealing with genetics. Once, when my great-grandmother was still alive and we were all together, I asked someone to take a picture of our hands lined up next to each other (I was fascinated that they looked identical). My mother absolutely FORBID anything of the sort because it might make my siblings feel bad. Okay to deny me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity though because it meant she wasn't showing favoritism.
3) there's absolutely NO chance of addressing this with the people that matter. I got brave enough (or was full of enough wine) to broach the subject ONCE with three of them several years ago and, at the time, felt some hope that things would be different going forward, but they weren't. Additionally, I would NEVER reveal my feelings to my parents. They're in their 80's. They did a good thing. They need to go to their graves feeling like they did a good thing. Hurting them (which knowledge of this would) is not an option.
Where does that leave me? Thankfully I get some support from my husband and girls but generally I feel like they're tired of hearing about it and think I should move on. So that leads me here - looking for support from strangers. And creating a loooooong, albeit cathartic, post to ask the question - is there anyone out there like me? any only children whose parents adopted and you felt like you were never part of the club? always outside looking in? your identity never really separated from your parents?
Bueller? Bueller? Sigh.
Kelly How can we be in touch? I googled what people never google and found your message. I am the oldest adult child and “the bio” with 3 younger sobs all unrelated with various trauma stories. I hear you. I want us to write a book or something. This is an issue that is unmentionable but real. I have studied it from all angles in grad school etc. would love to have a virtual support group. I’ve done literally everything to connect with people who might understand . Not for pity but for empathy and to not feel
Completely isolated !!
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Bet that headline grabbed ya, didn't it? Even if you're here out of morbid curiosity, thanks for stopping by. Because I'm holding out hope that I can find someone in a similar situation . . . or even someone who can remotely understand or just plain empathize. Everything else I've tried has been in vain. Try googling "I'm resentful of my adopted siblings" and you'll get a big fat zero in the way of help. Dare to mention you harbor any ill will about them to anyone and it's akin to confessing you love to drown kittens in your spare time. Particularly if, from all outward appearances, they're well adjusted, happy, successful, and the poster children for adoption done right.
I wasn't resentful from the get-go, but have gotten that way over the years as I've been repeatedly disappointed. It's all compounded by the fact I never say anything negative to anyone about it for fear of being judged. Drowning kittens, remember? To this day, any misgivings I have about my life being turned upside down by complete strangers have only been shared with my husband, two grown children, and a few counselors along the way - unless those google searches count. It's bugging me enough lately, however, that here I am - looking for empathy, someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way or, best case scenario, a kindred spirit.
Before I really get going, a few caveats: a) I realize how horribly selfish all this is going to sound, that's part of the struggle so please don't pile on by pointing that out. If you've a rosy adoption story, I'm happy for you. b) I love my parents and although I don't feel the same about my siblings, I also don't wish that my parents had done anything differently. I wouldn't want anyone to grow up the way they would have had to if they'd not been adopted.
Little background: I was an only child until my parents adopted my youngest sister. I was 10, she was an infant. A year and a half later, my parents adopted again. This time another girl and two boys, ages 3, 5, and 7. They are biological siblings and, I think, this plays a big role in the dynamics that exist between us. Also - I'm white, like my parents, and they're all Asian - another "obstacle" I could never overcome.
My struggle: I'm resentful of them because, despite years of trying, I feel like I've always been left out and have never really been important to any of them. It's affecting my every day life because I just can't seem to let it go.
If I had to put a finer point on what I wrestle with, and what's contributed most to the growing resentment, it would be this: I have, since the very beginning, failed to feel accepted as a sibling. Have never felt like I was part of them and was always jealous of their connection. I exist in this strange "other" category. Like they view my parents and I as a unit. We do this superficial act-like-we're-siblings thing but really it is a siblings-in-name-only thing or a she-came-with-the-house thing. I absolutely think it is exacerbated by what I mentioned earlier - that because the three kids in the middle are biological and undoubtedly bonded by the trauma that led up to them being placed in an orphanage - they didn't "need" me like I "needed" or "wanted" them. So, for me, it's literally been 47 years of struggling to feel accepted. And this isn't just something in my head - I've been left out of weddings, not included on vacations they take together, never been invited to either of my brothers' houses, and have a hundred other examples of exclusion I could list. Two years ago this July an incident happened that, to me, was the last straw and I finally gave up. I was literally tired of trying. I haven't heard from two of them since, and I've heard from the other two once. Soon as I quit making an effort, I ceased to exist.
A few things that haven't helped the situation:
1) the world's attitude about adoption. And maybe this is where a post like this might be helpful to someone. As a child, when you're presented with the prospect of your parents adopting, it's framed as the most wonderful, selfless, giving act you could ever hope to participate in. EVERYONE gushes about how great your family is, how special your parents are, what an amazing thing you're doing for others . . . for cripes sake, we made the front page of the local newspaper when we adopted . . . so what kid is going to feel like they can voice ANYTHING negative or utter any misgivings? In reality, my whole world was turned upside down and my mother, who'd spent every waking minute prior to this making me the center of her universe, was instantly consumed by a houseful of little people she couldn't even speak to. I get it. I respect that. But to say I took a back burner overnight is an understatement. The remainder of my adolescent life was polar opposite of what it had been. And while I get that nobody's life is ever the same after the addition of siblings, adopted or not, the "instant family" feeling I thought I'd get to make up for it never manifested.
2) my mother's relentless drive to make sure no one could ever say we're not loved equally. Mostly because she usually accomplishes this by making sure never to point out anything special about me. If she did, that would (by default), mean she didn't love them as much as me and, God forbid, what would people think? What kind of adoptive mother would she be if she appeared to favor her own flesh and blood, if only for a second? This has also manifested itself in a weird reluctance she has to acknowledge anything dealing with genetics. Once, when my great-grandmother was still alive and we were all together, I asked someone to take a picture of our hands lined up next to each other (I was fascinated that they looked identical). My mother absolutely FORBID anything of the sort because it might make my siblings feel bad. Okay to deny me a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity though because it meant she wasn't showing favoritism.
3) there's absolutely NO chance of addressing this with the people that matter. I got brave enough (or was full of enough wine) to broach the subject ONCE with three of them several years ago and, at the time, felt some hope that things would be different going forward, but they weren't. Additionally, I would NEVER reveal my feelings to my parents. They're in their 80's. They did a good thing. They need to go to their graves feeling like they did a good thing. Hurting them (which knowledge of this would) is not an option.
Where does that leave me? Thankfully I get some support from my husband and girls but generally I feel like they're tired of hearing about it and think I should move on. So that leads me here - looking for support from strangers. And creating a loooooong, albeit cathartic, post to ask the question - is there anyone out there like me? any only children whose parents adopted and you felt like you were never part of the club? always outside looking in? your identity never really separated from your parents?
Bueller? Bueller? Sigh.
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 likes this.
I know I'm about a year late to this, but your headline did indeed grab me because as a mother of an only child who is interested in adopting, it is one of my biggest concerns - that our biological child will feel left out and be resentful of our adopted children.
Currently she is my everything and for medical reasons I wasn't able to have more children although I feel like I have more love to give. We were recently looking at a sibling group who needed a home and (I know this might/will draw criticism) we decided it wasn't a good fit for our family because I was worried about the long term consequences of them being a bonded group and having her feel left out. It's been keeping me up at night, but I think your post has helped me come to terms with the fact that it probably was the best decision for our family and we should continue to look for single children who need a loving home.
People might not write about it online but they are thinking about it and you are very brave for starting a potentially controversial conversation. In terms of your own family and siblings, you deserve to be happy so take the steps to make sure you are happy and if that means only seeing your siblings at holidays with your parents, then maybe that's best? Sending you my best wishes and thank you for helping me too.
Kelly,
I completely understand where you're coming from... The only thing is, in the adoptive parent and not a sibling. I can understand what you're saying because I have 5 of my own children and then adopted 3 siblings. Though they knew the children before the adoption happened, they struggled with the changes that came along and I think I took on their struggle more than any struggle my adopted children might have been having and I believe it has caused me to go into a somewhat of a depression. I am not the same person, I feel like, anymore. Even my closest friends have told me that.
I know you don't want to mention to your parents what you want through, but I think you should have. I understand the struggle your parents must have dealt with, internally... It hurts like hell to see my birth child/children hurting and to not want to show too much "favortism". My birth youngest is 14 and I feel like I'm explaining to her, more often than not, that I'm sorry for being angry and yelling a lot now... All this has caused this side of me to come out and I dont like it one bit. Please share with me any advice, coming from your perspective, on what and how I should go about things. I'm desperate. And my heart goes out to you so much. My 14 yr old was my baby and most would argue, my favorite child. Lol. (I spoiled her all her life until now).
I just dont want to screw up any of my children, birth or adopted.
I am so thankful you shared your story. ߙϢݤ
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Kelly, you are not alone! That headline did grab me - for all the same reasons you posted this. kindred spirits we may be. I am on your side and empathise completely.
A bit of background: my parents couldn’t have children (so they thought) and adopted my sister. Then I came along. My whole life I was ‘trained’ to treat my sister as ‘one of our own’. She had been with my parents since she was a newborn, after her 14-year-old mother had a one night stand with some guy whose name she didn’t even know down the local pub and chose to give the baby up for adoption. Her choice - no one else’s. Anyway...
Growing up, I never saw my sister as adopted, just as my sister. We looked nothing alike - she had the olive skin I could only dream about, whilst I was fair. I was tall, she was short. She had dark hair, mine was light. Polar opposites, really. In teenagehood, I was always the good girl, she was always the rebel. We were very different people but were still reasonably close. We loved each other as family. When she had kids in her early twenties, I was rapt to be an aunt and never looked at my nieces as anything other than my nieces.
That all changed when my ‘sister’ went behind our backs to find her birth family. My whole life, my parents had told my sister that if she ever wanted to find her birth mother they would help her, support her. But she didn’t ask for our help, instead choosing to enlist the help of a pushy new friend she’d made. I’ll never forget the hurt in my parents’ eyes when she sat us down to share her ‘happy news’ (which we thought was going to be another baby, but was in fact that she had found the woman who birthed then abandoned her). In my view, my parents had always treated her more favourably, and they still do now even though she’s in her forties. They continue to make excuses for her and to claim they understand why she has made the decisions she’s made. They might understand, but I don’t.
I get it that she would have been curious, trying to join the puzzle pieces that make her who she is. I understand that she wanted to meet this woman and ask her questions. I don’t know if she ever found the answers from the birth mother she was seeking, as she never told us. She also found out that she has biological half-siblings (twins), who now also have their own children. My ‘sister’ has embraced this other ‘family’ and now treats them as her own. She regularly travels 3-4 hours to see them, and far more often than she sees me and my son, whom she claims to love but never sees. We live closer (about half an hour away) and our town is actually on the way to the biological people’s town. On Facebook, she has her biological half-sister listed as her actual sister, the birth mother listed as her actual mother, and they have the same for her. Worst of all, my nieces have them listed under family. None of them have my parents or I listed as family. It’s incredibly hurtful. My youngest niece (now 17) has also in the past told us that ‘you’re not my real aunt/grandmother/grandfather’ etc. My sister keeps in touch with these other people constantly and I am so very, very disappointed in her. I can understand having questions she needed answered, but I don’t understand why she keeps the birth mother and her extended family in her life when they abandoned her as the dirty by-product of a one night stand.
To all the people telling you to have empathy for your adopted siblings, they need to consider it from our perspective - the non-adopted child perspective. Our PARENTS decided to adopt. Our PARENTS went in fully aware of what could happen when the apple of their eye decided to find their biological relatives. WE DIDN’T HAVE THAT LUXURY, and are expected to simply, blindly and happily accept the repercussions of having a sibling who is adopted and all the BS that goes with it.
I totally resent my ‘sister’. I now use that word with mirth, as no true sister of mine would ever have betrayed our family. If my parents were no longer living I wouldn’t care if I never saw her again. I completely empathise with you, and thank you for posting this as I have searched for a long time to try to find someone who simply gets it - and you do.
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I’m over a year late to this forum, but I wanna share my experience with you too and let you know you’re not alone.
First off, I absolutely agree that biological children are not given the chance to express their feelings, specifically negative feelings, regarding any adoptee. It’s shut down by extended family, strangers tell them off and say they will eventually come to love their new siblings, etc. It’s all very infuriating and dismissive of the bio child’s feelings. That resentment builds up and yet no one can see it because it’s automatically labeled as bad, which taken a step farther could then change into a bad and ungrateful child.
I was that child and I’m speaking from a very deep place of anger and resentment. My parents adopted my sister (who is ethnically the same as us, Chinese) when I was 7. That’s a seven year age gap. Worse of all is that they did nothing to prepare me for the new baby. They simply asked one christmas if I would like a younger sister. I don’t remember what I said, but that was the first and last I got a say in it when suddenly the next year we were flying to China to adopt a baby (that I’m sure some parents threw away because it was a female and not a male to carry on their surname).
Before all that, I was a preemie and also a cancer survivor child. So I was showered with love and attention 24/7, my parents were always kind and soothing to me. Then the new baby came. My parents changed and they weren’t the same as before. Any time I wanted to spend quality time with them, it MUST be shared with the new baby as well. I cannot recall one moment when I actually spent one-on-one playtime with either my parents after I was 7 because they literally would bring my new sister to participate too.
Of course, that led to lots of tantrums and fits from an 8 year old after a year of being dismissed. The solution? Tell their bio child to behave with the new sister or else they’ll call the police. In my heart, I knew I was irrevocably replaced by this ungrateful, screaming creature. This would lead to a lot of physical fights as we grew up, such as pushing her down stairs, hitting and slapping each other, biting, screaming, etc. We couldn’t be left alone with each other. My parents’ new solution? Bemoan loudly in front of us and ask why we cannot get along like the good neighbors across the streets. Or, telling me I’m a grown up at 12 year old and that I should act like one and be nice to my sister.
But anyway going back to you, I absolutely raged when I read your post because your mom in her ignorant attempt to be “fair” harmed you and your self-esteem beyond imaginable. I’d say let them know! They should be confronted with their mistakes as parents because I wish mine had the conscience to regret how poorly they did as parents.
What you and I both needed were parents who would stop and take a moment to reassure us that they still loved us. And not just words of assurance but also actions. They should have carved out time to spend with their own children WITHOUT the others—which I honestly don’t understand why they couldn’t have. It would have been exactly like this with spending bonding time with an only child.
I can only hope your parents will look back and regret horribly that they lost their chance to cultivate a bond with you as you were growing up.
Last update on August 20, 11:17 pm by Emily Fox.
I come from a family, 2x adopted 2x bio of which the 2 youngest are adopted.
Yes I feel I can't express how I feel if it's at all negative, I feel guilty and unkind, and very much in the wrong for even thinking that there would be a difference between myself and my brothers and sisters. I can totally relate to your drowning kittens analogy.
I'm never 100% sure whether my unrest is because of normal sibling feelings or because of adoption.
I felt completely pushed to one side when my brother was adopted (3yrs younger) but accepted the arrival of my adopted sister (6yrs younger)
Our father died prematurely. My mum formed a very tight bond with my adopted sister, she had treated her in a much more preferable way than me and my adopted brother who has always received more emotional attention because he 'needed' it because he was adopted.
I just feel I have slipped through somehow, because I've not 'needed' attention.
Both my sister and myself are single parents having had failed relationships both having two boys. My sister (never left home her partner originally moved in) lives with my mum with her children. Where as I have always been made to be independent.
As our children have got older it has been progressively difficult for me and my children to visit as there 'is not enough room' where as my sister does not cook, pays an unrealistic contribution to housekeeping, my mother has been with her throughout both her labour's, chosen her children's schools, looks after her children to enable her to work, takes her on holiday three times a year (of which we are invited to come with them both for one, i am not ungrateful, but always feel a bit of a spare part) when I speak to my mother on the phone I hear her in the background quite often pottering nearby, our calls have been interrupted many times over the years by my sisters kids.
My sister and her children have better material and emotional support, I always used to think 'oh well, lucky them that they have eachother'. In all honesty this explain is just the half of it. In contrast I was told to stand on my own two feet, man up, take responsibility, if its hard get harder, all of this and my life has been so hard I eventually crashed with exhaustion, twice.
I just think mum has over compensated at my expense. My kids are now in their 20's mum has had a good job so has often given us handouts, but it's got to the point where we are saying no thank you because the relationship just isn't there, and it's feels like payment in exchange.
Regretfully unlike you, who has so considerately chosen to not say anything to your parents, I have, firstly my son did. This is so sad as I shouldn't have because I don't think this can now be repaired.
Unfortunately although over the years I have tried to be objective about adoption being the issue, I think it is.
Mum overcompensates and has made considerably more effort to bond with my younger siblings, sadly for me, my older brother had the bonding that a first child has and when our dad died it was him mum wanted for comfort although I tried.
This makes me pretty miserable. And very lonely. I really feel rejected and not needed as mum has my sisters family at home.
Believe me I do want to see children looked after as part of a family and know adoption to be correct, but parents need to be fair, and loving all round. They should be very aware of over compensating, I am sure that all the while my mum has assumed I am ok because I know I'm hers biologically. Not always so.
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OMG Is it too late to reply? I totally get what you are saying, I am an only child, my mother had no intention of her child coming to find her, yet here she came, totally disrupted our lives, and well there's not enough energy tonight to even write about it. You are dead on, and no matter what Oprah type moment people want to give it, it's just not there for me. How can we connect? You have saved me from thinking I am this horrible terrible person who is not on the rainbow and sunshine road. Thank you. No disrespect to adoptees. my situation, as is each of yours, deserves to be looked at within it's own light and judged by it's own merits.
Last update on May 10, 11:38 pm by Wanda Guidry.