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Hello All. I'm new to the forum and landed here while seeking support and ideas. Ten years ago we adopted a 5 year old boy. He came with HUGE baggage. Born addicted, beaten, abused, starved, kidnapped by a biological father and taken to a far-away country to live, only to be dumped onto their DHS system. He lived in several foster homes where he was further abused before being shipped back to the U.S. to live with his maternal grandmother and 2 of his siblings. (He was one of six kids under the age of 9 yrs.) As many adoptive parents start out, we thought that if we just loved him enough, all would be great. Over the years, we have dealt with every behavioral issue possible. We have been in counseling both for him and for us as parents for years. We have given him every chance possible, trying sports (no go) martial arts, clubs, church, etc....but his behaviors have only escalated. He has been to several schools as he gets suspended and ultimately kicked out of each one. Currently he is in military school...but is on his last warning and will be suspended permanently with one more incident. We have been screaming for help with him for years, but the help available for disturbed kids in our State is almost zero. We get bounced around from place to place by well-intentioned people, but it never goes anywhere. The answer that I always end up with is, "Have him adjudicated. Then we can help him." HELLO!!! We WANT him to succeed in life, not go to jail! So , he lies and steals and causes constant and immediate angst among everyone that he meets. He has no sense of personal space (No matter how many times he is taught to give it to people.) and he is socially about a 10 year old. (With the hormones of a 15 year old.) Lately, he is constantly in trouble for inappropriate touching and sexual harassment. We have had talk after talk after talk...NOTHING works. He always goes right to school the next day and does it again. He gets kicked off the bus. We live 50 miles from his school! We have to have cameras in our home and he can't be left alone with the family pets. He is cruel and taunts or hurts them. He is the same way with small children. Our other kids are grown and out of the house, but my husband I don't get ANY time together because we cannot let him out of our sight. He has to have a babysitter of some sort 24/7. This kid has been on several cruises with us, traveling the world and having his every need met. He has become a spoiled, entitled brat, thinking that he is better than others. He doesn't care if he has friends. (He doesn't. He prefers to hang out with us.) At school, he tries to "get in good" with the staff by tattling on the kids for EVERYthing. So...everyone hates him and he becomes a target. We love this kid....but I have gotten to the point where I simply cannot stand him. I feel beyond guilty that I feel this way. I feel like a failure. :( He will be 16 in May. This year, we are contemplating sending him to a military boarding school where he will live away from us for 5 1/2 months. It will give US a break...but it will likely only warehouse him temporarily. He'll start out with a bang, but he can only maintain good behavior for so long. Currently, we are waiting for a first appointment with a new counselor, hopefully to teach him HOW to interact with girls in a positive way rather than trying and getting angry when they rebuff him. (He reacts VERY badly when this happens.) So...as you can tell, we have our hands full. We are overwhelmed and frustrated....and scared...and angry....and lost...and desperate. We simply don't know what to do anymore.:worried::worried::worried::worried: Any help or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Dear LisanneI am moved to write to you because many of the things that you have described have parallels in our family's adoption experience of our son (now 13) more than ten years ago. Similar social/emotional/behavioural/educational "events" and outcomes and well meaning but ineffective support.I will list some of the things that we have tried that have worked for us in the hope that they may be of use to you. But first I want to say how much I respect your strength and values in wanting to do your best for your son even when it is so very hard and soul destroying. I do know how lonely and totally exhausting that can be.Ok so to some thoughts and ideas, in no particular order:1. you are not a failure. Try not to think of things as success or failure. Everyone's lives are a mix of the two. You are doing your best. And probably, most likely, so is your son2. please do some more self care. Right now that might be tag team with your husband to get a break for an hour or two. But you have to do it for your own sanity. You can't wait until things get better. Schedule it into the day3. if you haven't investigated the neurobiological effects of trauma, I suggest that you do. This might help shift the mindset from my kid isn't behaving to my kid can't behave yet. His brain has adapted for survival not socialisation or "proper" behaviour. There are lots of books -Bruce Perry is a good start. He is doing his best considering his adaptation4. Find something that your son likes or is good at and try and use that as means of building self esteem and relationships. What does your son like to do. Replace the dopamine hit he gets from his poor behaviour with a little hit from doing something he likes5. His relational templates may mean he needs close attention (eyes on) in activities but movement is good as it releases brain derived neurotrophic factor that helps with neuroplasticity to change neural networks.6. find a trauma aware therapist or psychotherapist. Your son will likely need a mix of talking therapy and bottom up therapy like movement or deep pressure inputs7. talk to the school about the effects of trauma and how they should handle him in class8. understand that his reward circuit is now ie he can't put off behaviour now for a reward in the future. It has to be one cookie now not two in half an hour. Threats of taking something away or giving something in the future will probably not work9. check out therapeutic parenting. This saved our family from those everyday stresses that can blow up into big things10. think about other things that might help him regulate: music (listening or playing), singing, dancing, humour is a great one. I once resolved an argument with my son with a dance off - he won but he was smiling at the end and the anger was broken. Crazy stuff jumps the neural pathways and forces attention Lame jokes are good.11. regulate- relate-reason in that order aka connection before correction12. praise him sincerely and genuinely when he does something right, even if it seems over the top for his chronological age13. you did not mention medication. While it does not solve anything it can give everyone a break from him boiling over while you work on other stuff. My son was on medication for 12 months and it really gave us all some breathing space14. how is his sleep? Sleep is critical. help him sleep if he is struggling. This could be with melatonin or something else. I discovered that my son did not respond to stories and baths and milk and cookies. Instead, he had sensory integration issues so I wrestled with him before bed and he slept like a baby. I did this very night for two years before he grew out of it.15 do some more self care16. you are making a difference. It is a long road and progress is not linear or forward. Take care of yourselfMy very best and heartful wishesRob
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