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I always felt out of place. The only memories of me as a "baby" was when I was in a crib and crying. I don't remember being soothed or comforted. Only now do I realize I was not a baby but a toddler. Pictures of me only date back when I was two or three. I would always ask for baby pictures but the common excuse was that they burned in a house fire. As a kid I grew intensely attached to my dad. However, that quickly ended when I knew there was something more sinister to his relationship to me. I again was all alone in this world. I never felt that mother hug that everything would be okay. I later in life proceeded to seek self validation by my appearance and trying to be perfect while feeling stupid at the same time. I always wanted to be the first and best at everything because I truly believed I had a learning disability while growing up (I think I was just too controlled and messed up). My first confirmation of my suspicion was from a friend who was friends with a girl I disliked because I felt she was fake (I am very in tune with people) she had told my friend that I was adopted and the reason how she knew was because her parents were friends with mine. I took this to my mom semi serious but more so wanting to confirm this gut feeling. She laughed it off and that was that. Mind you, whenever I got drunk with my cousins I would ask them if I was adopted (Why keep this secret from me?) Long story short, I had gone to visit a family friend that had lived with us when he was a teenager. I don't know what triggered me to ask but I asked him if I was adopted. Long silence.... are you ready for this? I of course had always known or maybe wished that it was true. I felt like I got a part of me back but not completely. The only information he could give me was that he was living at the house and he remembered a random toddler show up and that I was adopted from an orphanage in Tijuana. He said his parents know more but that it was not their place to give me more information. How would it feel to live in a lie your whole life? How can one say it's not in their place!! Now I am left wondering who do I look like, who Lupe is, why me?
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