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Hi Everyone,
My name is Brianne and my husband was adopted in 1981 as an infant. We found out that his birth mother passed away in 2005. His parents were still friends with the lawyer that assisted in his adoption, he informed them of her passing bag after seeing her obituary. They had since moved out of state. He slowly began talking to her family member, primarily her brother (his maternal uncle). She had always refused to tell anyone the name of his biological father. However, we were told that he could have been a lot old and had a family. She was 19 when she had my husband. My husband submitted an ancestry dna test last year with no close matches leading to his biological father, until last month. He matched with a first cousin that we know is a paternal first cousin. We now know his biological father is 77 year old. He was married and had a family when my husband was conceived, and he is still married to the same woman. They have 4 children and grandchildren. We don’t know what to do. Should we call and confront him? We want answers, and this man clearly was in the wrong. He got an 18 year old girl pregnant when he was nearly 40. What if he doesn’t know she had a baby by him? What if he tries to deny it? Is it worth hurting innocent people such as his wife, kids, and grandchildren? Then we think, time is of the essence here. He isn’t young and his birth mom is already gone. DNA doesn’t lie and we have Facebooked his family, there is no denying it. My husband and kids look like this man and his family. Please help guide us in what to do. This is the hardest position to be in. Thank you in advance and God Bless you all!
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Hi Brianne,I do not think you should call your husband’s birth father. It does not sound like you are in a healthy mindset to reach out right now. Your motivation should not be to get and take something from the birth father, but to give to him. Give him the gift of your husband. Family relationships are some of the strongest bonds we can have. Your husband could have a really beautiful relationship with his birth father. Of course, there is pain and discomfort that comes with any adoption, but that is not a good reason to lash out at anyone else and hurt others. Try to have empathy for the birth father. No one is perfect. He made some bad choices, but out of that came your husband. It is possible that when you are in a healthy mindset to reach out to the birth father, he will not be in a healthy place. He may deny it. He might also react out of pain. No one likes being called out, especially for a bad decision.The first thing you and your husband need to do is find healing on your own without bringing the birth father and his family into it. Come to peace with who he is and release the anger for your own sakes. Anger and pain do not make life comfortable. Instead of feeling like you are on a time crunch because of the birth father’s age, be more concerned about you and your husband’s timeline. It will take you all some time to find healing and be ready to move forward. Then, when you feel ready, that is when you can reach out to the birth father.I hope you and your husband find healing, and I would love to know how things go!
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