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I am a full-time stepmother of two, and our adoption hearing has been set for next month.
My children's bio mom killed herself two years ago. I married their bio father just this last March. I've been with the kids (7 & 3) for about a year and a half acting as their mom. I love my kids so tremendously. Their birth mom was a total wreck... from physical abuse (not sure of the kids but definitely to my husband), drug abuse and distribution, bi-polar... I struggle every time I have to hear about her. My family found her dead, hanging on the porch. Yes, our oldest remembers but he seems to have only positive memories of her right now.
Their bio mothers family is still very active in the kids' lives. They are very loving and have good relationships with the kids. Yet, with everything, I can't help but feel like we need space. We are still a very new family and I am overly exhausted hearing about their bio mom every other day... I completely understand for our oldest to want to talk about her. He does. He does all the time. He has many memories of her, some true and others distorted. Our youngest has no living memory of her. I am growing thick skin to listen to it and be supportive. My youngest, however, is also starting to talk about her because her family is constantly showing her photos of her. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. But I still can't help but feel like she is my daughter. Why should she grow to love her dead mother who left her here?.. I've loved my little girl for nearly about the same time her bio was around. I care for both of them like they were my own... how I wish they were my own....I've dedicated my life to them. And I just want to move forward and stop reflecting on the past all the time.
Writing this all down makes me feel pathetic for complaining.. I am just struggling trying to be a full time mom and to love my kids all the same while they are lamenting their loss of their birth mom all the time.... someone who I despised and someone I have little respect for. I feel like it shouldn't bother me. But at the same time, all I really want is room to grow as a family without looking back on our dark history.
I don't have anyone who understands what I'm going through and I am starting to go crazy and I'm starting to feel like a bad mom. :(
Is there anyone out there who can relate? I'm in desperate need of support.
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Wow...Ok well I am too going through a step parent adoption, way different than yours of course... see my childs father was into drugs and left him and hasnt bothered with him for years. But to comment on your post I must be honest... and I am so sorry if this sounds harsh..but their mother is dead... it doesn't matter how she died at the end of the day she was their mother and the heart break those children are going through must be terrible. You have only been in their lives for 1.5 years... why do you feel the need to erase her memory and feel the deserving role of "mommy" to the youngest? Should the youngest not know who her BMOM was because she killed herself? Should the BMOMS family have to loose their grandchildren on top of loosing their daughter as well because you feel like YOU need space? I'm sorry but you sound extremely insecure and incredibly insensitive about a dead mother. It isnt what's right for you or what makes you feel better... its about the kids. I hope you can see that.My husband has been a father to my child for over 6 years (not trying to compare ) but for the past 6 years he has been there because Bio Dad has not... he made choices in life and made the decision to not have a relationship with his child.. I dont punish the grandparents because of the bio dads stupidity and they have a relationship with my child. With that being said... he is not in the picture because he doesnt want to be..not because he is dead. Dispite how she died..its not your place to feel the need to alienate her memory to her children. It's not right that your feel that the entire family needs space from BMOMS family because of your insecurities.Remember this.. the more people to love your children..the better. I apologize if this came off harsh.Good luck and I hope you see my response was not meant to hurt you.. just maybe open up your eyes and your heart a little more.
I am a full-time stepmother of two, and our adoption hearing has been set for next month. My children's bio mom killed herself two years ago. I married their bio father just this last March. I've been with the kids (7 & 3) for about a year and a half acting as their mom. I love my kids so tremendously. Their birth mom was a total wreck... from physical abuse (not sure of the kids but definitely to my husband), drug abuse and distribution, bi-polar... I struggle every time I have to hear about her. My family found her dead, hanging on the porch. Yes, our oldest remembers but he seems to have only positive memories of her right now. Their bio mothers family is still very active in the kids' lives. They are very loving and have good relationships with the kids. Yet, with everything, I can't help but feel like we need space. We are still a very new family and I am overly exhausted hearing about their bio mom every other day... I completely understand for our oldest to want to talk about her. He does. He does all the time. He has many memories of her, some true and others distorted. Our youngest has no living memory of her. I am growing thick skin to listen to it and be supportive. My youngest, however, is also starting to talk about her because her family is constantly showing her photos of her. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. But I still can't help but feel like she is my daughter. Why should she grow to love her dead mother who left her here?.. I've loved my little girl for nearly about the same time her bio was around. I care for both of them like they were my own... how I wish they were my own....I've dedicated my life to them. And I just want to move forward and stop reflecting on the past all the time. Writing this all down makes me feel pathetic for complaining.. I am just struggling trying to be a full time mom and to love my kids all the same while they are lamenting their loss of their birth mom all the time.... someone who I despised and someone I have little respect for. I feel like it shouldn't bother me. But at the same time, all I really want is room to grow as a family without looking back on our dark history. I don't have anyone who understands what I'm going through and I am starting to go crazy and I'm starting to feel like a bad mom. :(Is there anyone out there who can relate? I'm in desperate need of support.
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