Hi I don't know where to put this, sorry if I posted in the wrong place.
I'm 18 years old, still living with my mum who adopted me. However our relationship has been bad. It's gotten worse over the years. I have a hard time controlling my emotions, and have terrorised her from age 10-17. I stopped now since I'm on anti depressants. My Amum has always threated to kick me out of the house or put me up for adoption for as long as I can remember. She would say that every time I act out. However tonight I asked her if it was okay if I can go off my antidepressants as it is making me sweat so much to the point that my bed sheets are damp, I also smell to the point that not even deodorant and constant showering helps and my hands are shaking a lot and I'm noticing weight gain. I've always struggled with obesity throughout my childhood and now being 18 almost being healthy weight for my height. I'm scared to gain it all back. However my mum doesn't see it as a good enough problem for me to quit. She basically got angry at me, saying I wont have anything to do with you any longer, if you quit I'll leave you very quickly, you're not allowed to stay under my roof if you quit these anti depressants.
I honestly feel guilty for my behaviour and how I've made her feel and I always apologise for it. She says she was trying to be a good person by adopting me and all I gave her in return was shit. She then blames me for the fact her career is going down, that I have ruined personal relationships. She also makes me feel bad about being in her house as she has guilt tripped me for eating food that she bought, or that I'm living under her roof and saying she has given me clothes. I buy my own now but when I was 16 she would say the same things.
She has threatens to call the police on me many times throughout the years for my anger, she would record me having my panic attacks after we got into an argument saying I'm crazy.
I always tell her that I'm greatful that she has given me a good life, and when she we get a pet I always say to her I can pay it for myself or we can split it. She says no to my offers, then when we get into an argument she says I have bought you these 2 kittens for you, do you know how much they cost? I do and I said I can pay her back and then she just shakes her head no and tells me that she wants me out of the house by tomorrow.
Anyway idk what to do. I just feel bad for being me. I feel bad that I wasn't the adopted child she hoped for. I owe her everything. The money especially. All the money she spent on me from a little child till now.