Recently things have been alot harder between my mother and I. She tells her sisters that I am being rebellious, but I am 27yrs old no where near the rebellious phase. I see her as my one and only mother, but there is alot I can not tell her. She is one who can throw someone away if she feels they are completely against her. I fear because I am not true blood I am easily disposable (to all family which was proven recently). This may unfortunately be long but I feel like I need to give the whole thing so i can be told if it's me or the whole situation.
I was adopted at birth; hell I was known as her baby even before coming out of my biological mother. To everyone I was her baby. I grew up seeing everyone as my family. Even parts of my biological because she was always upfront about it. But I always tried to stay to myself because I was scared that I was never fully accepted. I hardly ever acted out, rarely ever talked back, and would run back to her every call.
A few years back my grandmother passed away while I was still in high school, in which I was named co executor if the main executors did not do their duty. It was 7rs later when my mom decided to take action cause nothing was done. The first executor was her own sister whom she basically raised. It was a whole ordeal that I didn't wish to be apart of. It cause a rift between her entire family and even had some of them messaging me telling me I wasn't family because I was not blood. Our relationship started to deteriorate between this whole situation, especially when I was living away from her.
Well alot of things happened and I chose to live with her again. I paid the house payments thinking it meant we would have some separation with in the house. This is where I started to be rebellious. I felt like I shouldn't have to be obligated to tell her everything. Nor should I feel guilty for not doing things how she wanted. I personally started feeling attacked throughout my life because whatever I did was never exactly right. Even recently if I kept the house cleaned better than she did, the first thing she would do was complain about how I didnt keep meat in the freezer (trying to go vegan with much ridicule). It has made me not beat around the Bush about how I feel about things. It has also made me want to stay in my room and drink while she is in the house. (Quarantine has been terrible since I cant work constantly)
It makes me feel like I am only here to help pay for things. I am getting anger towards me for accepting a settlement agreement that would cover my medical bills. She consistently mentions how she was hoping for her to get her stuff paid off and for what I was hoping to use my settlement for.
Am I just viewing everything in a difference light because I feel like I dont fully belong? Or am I just being a selfish person like she is telling me and her sisters that I am being.
Thank you for reading this long story, and I appreciate any advice or insight y'all give.
Hi Dani,
Relationships with your mom can be especially hard because you may be projecting some of the pain that you have from your birth mother giving you up onto her. At least I think I do that to my mom. I totally relate to not being able to tell my mom a lot of things. My mom doesn’t react well to my pain with being adopted. She doesn’t understand it, so it is hard to talk to her about it. And it makes it worse that you have seen your mom “dispose” of people. It’s that fear of being abandoned for sure and it sounds like it is coming true. Just consider, are you trying to make it true so that you can prove to yourself that you are unlovable? That is what I do. It is a sad and terrible rut to be in.
I totally relate to keeping to yourself because you don’t think you will ever be fully accepted. Always being the perfect child. It is exhausting. And not fulfilling.
I hurt for you that people actually told you that you aren’t family because you are not blood related. I can’t imagine any of my relatives telling me that. I would be so heartbroken.
It sounds like you were trying to maintain autonomy by paying for the house. Then, you don’t have to feel guilty when you don’t tell her everything. I live at home too. I’ve had my share of disagreements with my mom about how to keep the house. I always feel like I have to earn her love. If I don’t do the dishes, she will sigh loudly to “no one” that she has to do the dishes again. Things like that. Through these disagreements, I have learned how human my mom is. She’s not perfect. She still has some growing to do. And it sounds like your mom does too. The problem is when you both can’t acknowledge your part in the problem. People react out of pain. Just remember that you both are in pain, and try to give you and your mom some grace. And maybe let her know you are willing to talk through it when she wants to. If you are willing. Conflict is hard, and I feel like we are never really taught how to do conflict well, but every relationship is going to have conflict unless you run from a relationship when conflict arises. Which is what I do. I think being aware of that and hopefully catching myself more often when I am doing that will make my relationships better. And then when you are not feeling as hurt, reaching out to that person again could worthwhile. Or at least I hope it is. Both people have to feel comfortable sharing their feelings with the other person and not feel the need to be defensive. So try to meet your mom where she is and ask her to meet you where you are.
Let me know how the situation has been going since your last post, and I hope this is helpful!