Need some encouragement

So, I've never posted here before, mostly just read, but I am really having a difficult time. We have 3 foster and I've grown so attached to them. We are approaching decision time, December is when. TPR will happen or not.. but I'm struggling badly here. We don't have our own kids, and I had a child of my own who passed away at 11 months old many years ago.. I can't bare to lose these kids. Kids. Just a little background on the parents - Mom tested positive for drugs in July and has 6 other kids that were removed and have been adopted. Dad, hes back in rehab and does not have stable housing, he also did inappropriate things to his sister when he was a teenager. Dad still hasnt done all of his mental health required counseling, hasn't taken his required polygraph test ( he did inappropriate things to his sister when he was a teen) the state wants to make sure he won't do it again. Dad also refused a drug test recently. The state also seems rk be so difficult and pulling for the dad, to the point of almost seems unfair Bottom line, I'm scared of losing these kids, being a father is what I dreamed of doing in my life, I've experienced a lot of loss and not sure I can bare more. Truely, I love these kids like my own.. but the prospect of losing them feels like a ton of bricks kn my chest. These kids bring me so much happiness.. but lately all I can think about is what if dad gets on track, improves his life.. selfishly, I want him to relapse again. I'm just beyond sad and I guess hope for some encouragement or hear from others who have had success.