This is long, sorry!
Daughter is almost 19, got pregnant at 17.5, had baby, month and half later moves in with new bf suddenly that she just started talking to a week or so prior after being "so in love" with someone else she chatted with on the phone a few weeks before that.
Not only suddenly quits job an hour after wrecking my vehicle she was borrowing, but ditches her apartment and all her stuff and even leaves her cat there. Becomes less communicative and then less than 2 months later my ex gets a call that grandson is in cps at the hospital. Daughters bf had broke both arms, femur and caused brain bleeding (shaken baby) - baby 4 months.
Daughter hadnt wanted us to find out. When cps wanted to place with me, she told them i was emotionally abusive. She then told ex that she said it cause she thought if they placed with me shed never get him back. (Again explained thats not how the process works.)
At this point she is still denying bf had done anything and that she loves him. That he only "spanked" the baby (4 months old). Says she has no idea how son got hurt. After weeks tries to blame it on her friend that watched baby a month prior to injuries. Then implied her dads family might have when she visited because she wasnt in the room the whole time (dont get me wrong, my exes family is toxic, talk behind your back, enable, etc but not physically violent least of all to a baby)
Ex and i agree she isnt to have contact with her siblings right now who are much younger and struggling with all this and her decisions. We explain to her that once she gets into therapy and away from this guy then we can talk about being a part of their lives - reiterating frequently (and still) that we want her to be but also have to keep them safe.
Fast forward, father of baby (not the bf) gets custody. She again suddenly claims he is a huge hard druggie, was borderline abusive because he got in her face during a few arguments they had when they were dating (though from previous convos with her other than a pot head, he was not at all a druggie. Not the impression i got either) either way, dshs cleared him and he got placement. He seems to not want her side of the family involved with baby at all, but also dont have a way to contact him directly.
Fast forward to now, she hasnt done anything in regards to her son, has gotten kicked out of multiple friends and family homes, sexually assaulted by a "friend", been "trying to get a job" for 5 months yet cant find any work despite everywhere hiring and she has experience, no therapy and "nothings wrong" and she "did nothing".
Before all this: after getting pregnant, she was doing well and getting things together. Gave her the steps and helped her ged her GED, she got a job that qorked with her hours, maternity leave, paid more than minimum. Less then a month before givign birth, helped her find an apartment nearby and she was able to pay the deposit and first month herself. Even had a daycare setup nearby.
First month with baby she was doing great and over at my place for dinner and hang out, as well as i babysat several ti es while she worked. It was the start of the following month she moved in with bf and it all went downhill.
A few months ago, we of course talked about the "emotional abuse" she claimed, it was very apparent it was lies, but i took it very seriously nonetheless. The couple instances she had claimed were out of context and not emotional abuse as far as i can tell even out of context.
One being that when at 15 she fell in with a bad crowd and 25/30 yr olds kept trying to "hang out" with her and her friends (that area had been full of sex offenders), i explained to her more on how someone that age doesnt have much in common etc. She said she would just "beat them up" if they tried anything. Which, of course, explained that a 15 yr old with no fighting experience is unlikely to fight off a 30 yr old adult male.
She claims this was emotionally abusive saying she wasnt as physically strong as a 30 yr old male at 15...
Some context, ex and i adopted her and three others. She was 5 when we adopted her and compulsive lying, adhd, trauma history were all huge preexisting issues. So the series of lying is not a new thing. She will always lie if she thinks the truth wont go with what she wants.
Im at a loss of what to do. Yes, i am hurt by her actions and words. Yes, i am hurt by not being able to see my grandson. Yes, i am hurt by watching her suffer. BUT, i am an adult with coping skills and will get thru this.
What i am at a loss at is how to help her. I dont do head in the sand mentality, but i also dont want to just constantly rub her face in it. But although we had always been close, our relationship is so strained now. Shell make commenta of missing her siblings or demanding to see them, but makes no effort to get self help. No therapy because "she is fine" and "coping in her own way" (yet keeps getting kicked out, a friend even left her in a park to get her out of their home)
And my not letting her see her siblings (one of which needed counseling over his anxiety and depression over this) and saying therapy or self help of some kind is necessary first is my controlling her.
Ive taken a step back. I do let her know weekly we love her, etc, and she also sends me random messages telling me she loves me and misses me.
I just dont know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.