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Hi Sascha - you wrote this quite a long time ago, I hope that you have found support. I am heart broken by your story, I hear such a beautiful strong powerful soul who was dealt a life so difficult that it would be unimaginable to most. You are right, you ARE worthy of love and support. And as much as we seek to find it externally as that is the easiest form of validaation - while I can only speak for myself and my own adoption journey, the search for me was to come to the realization that I am not seeking validation from others and the world, but that I am seeking validation from me, not that others see me as worthy, but that I see myself as worthy.Trauma in my experience can cause a seperation of the mind and body, creating deep grooves in the mind of lack of worth, shame, and fear.. those can manifest as disfunction in our body. A helpful place to start for me was mediation - it allowed me to feel a greater sence of embodiment, to breath deeper, and to begin to feel good again in my own skin.. There is a teacher who has free mediations on his instagram @kevincourtney . You may want to try it out! Feel free to message me if you have further questions. You are worthy :)
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