Hi there,
My name is Sascha. I’m a 28-year old transgender woman of colour from South Africa.
I am reaching out for help online as a last resort.
I am in desperate need of a loving family that can support my healing journey and allow me to be myself. My mom committed suicide when I was 11 due to untreated Bipolar I Disorder, my father was abusive, and I grew up living with my gran who has lupus and my grandfather who was an alcoholic.
I am the first person in my immediate family to obtain an undergraduate degree, which I achieved Cum Laude whilst working 4 part time jobs across 3 timezones. However, my relentless pursuit of taking care of myself has resulted in burnout, cognitive and physical decline.
I have been suicidal to varying degrees since high school, but last year it reached a peak. I suffered a debilitating meltdown which caused me to lose my romantic relationship, and eventually my job. I lost the ability to take care of myself and currently I am being looked after by my current partner and two close friends. I asked the three of them if they could please reach out to friends and family on my behalf, to get me the support that I need - I understand that they are not able to provide the support on their own. It has been equally heart-wrenching to hear that most people (even from my own extended family) did not respond.
My debilitating nervous system dysregulation (due to trauma) is preventing me from living a normal, healthy life, and I am not in a position to take care of myself, nor can I depend on my friends and biological family for help. My childhood has made it difficult to ask for help - how can one expect help from others when it is unsafe to ask one’s own family for help?
Despite that, I know that I am worthy of love and support - I just haven’t known where to find it.
I want to be able to feel safe in my own body. I want to be able to feel safe in my own home. I want to be able to feel safe asking for help and support. I want to be able to enjoy life.
Please feel free to reach out. Any support is welcome and needed <3
Hi Sascha - you wrote this quite a long time ago, I hope that you have found support. I am heart broken by your story, I hear such a beautiful strong powerful soul who was dealt a life so difficult that it would be unimaginable to most. You are right, you ARE worthy of love and support. And as much as we seek to find it externally as that is the easiest form of validaation - while I can only speak for myself and my own adoption journey, the search for me was to come to the realization that I am not seeking validation from others and the world, but that I am seeking validation from me, not that others see me as worthy, but that I see myself as worthy.
Trauma in my experience can cause a seperation of the mind and body, creating deep grooves in the mind of lack of worth, shame, and fear.. those can manifest as disfunction in our body. A helpful place to start for me was mediation - it allowed me to feel a greater sence of embodiment, to breath deeper, and to begin to feel good again in my own skin.. There is a teacher who has free mediations on his instagram @kevincourtney . You may want to try it out! Feel free to message me if you have further questions. You are worthy :)