My Journey

Last year, at this time, i took the 23andme test. I was adopted as an infant and knew nothing of my story, medical history, heritage or anything else! I was adopted by wonderful parents and i am now in my late 40’s and needed to do this for myself! I needed it to fill a whole in my heart! Not because i had a bad life, but because it was something i needed at this point in my life! I had no idea of all the emotions, feelings or personal hurdles that i would face when i started my journey! Upon receiving my 23andme test results i was nervous but also excited! The heritage and medical information didn’t really make much sense stating you might have this much percentage for this or that. Then i looked at my 23andme family tree connections. I found a list of my 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins. I wrote to my two 1st cousins that had the most dna to me. Stating i was adopted as an infant, i am searching for answers and i see that we are 1st cousins - can you please help me understand how we are related. One of my 1st cousins wrote me back within a day and said absolutely i will help you! All of a sudden this became really real! I was scared! I was excited! I was unsure if this could be real! Things i had wondered about my whole life could be answered! Did i want those answers… yes, no, unsure… too late now… here we go! Within 2 days my 1st cousin had the answers i had wondered about since i was probably 13 years old! It was a lot of information all at once! It was scary and overwhelming to say the least! I felt alone all of a sudden. Like I’m going to get all the answers I’ve wondered about my entire life but no one really understands how i am feeling about all of this! My 1st cousin, could this really be my true biological 1st cousin! And just like that she was my cousin and all of a sudden my cousin knew who i was before i knew who i was! My cousin knew more about me than i knew about me my entire life! Now i feel vulnerable! My cousin’s mom is my Aunt on my birth-dad’s side! Oh my God! My birth-dad’s family is very big! My birth-dad has five other brothers and two sisters. My birth-dad was very young when he got the girl, my birth-mom, pregnant. My birth-mom was very young! My Aunt also kept in touch with my birth-mom’s sister for all these years just in-case i ever came back looking for them! My birth-mom’s family lived across the street from my birth-dad’s family! My birth-mom has five sisters. Holy moly! Talk about real! A flood of emotions! So many emotions it’s hard to put it all into words! Now part of me is also feeling guilty, thinking that i am betraying my parents. My parents that I’ve known my whole life, my family that has been my rock, my everything! I also feel scared wondering are these good people, can i trust them, what am i about to get myself into, i am also revealing myself… my adoption that I’ve kept a secret my whole life! A secret because i didn’t want to feel different from my friends. A secret that I’ve kept because i didn’t want people to think that i don’t love my parents and family like they love theirs! My secret because i didn’t want to feel vulnerable and share how i feel! How i feel about myself! A secret that i am now revealing to the world! WOW, this is a lot!More of my journey to come in future posts! I am writing this so if anyone else is going through this… they don’t feel as alone as i have felt through this whole journey! So they know that these emotions and feelings are okay to have and that they are not alone! So they know that they are worthy, that they are worth it and that they have the ability to get through this journey!