When and How Much Contact?

Originally Posted By KSilberDear Anonymous,Those of us in the open adoption world are enthusiastic when we hear people say they have contact with birthfamilies. Because you have contact with so much of your son's birthfamily, it sounds as though you are comfortable with the fact that your son was adopted and you acknowledge his birthfamily as relatives (which they are!). This attitude will go a long way towards helping him feel comfortable with it, also.As a strong proponent of open adoption, I encourage people to maintain contact with their baby's birthparents. Even if the birthfamily is unstable, it is important for your son to have contact with them. Young children do not understand abstract concepts. The words "adoption" and "birthparents" are abstract. Anything parents can do to make these concepts "real" (concrete vs. abstract) helps. So, if the birthmother is someone who comes to visit a couple of times a year, she is a concrete presence in the child's life and, therefore, easier for him to understand. I feel it's okay for a child to know about a birthparent's problems; in fact, in situations where a birthparent has obvious barriers to parenting, it is simpler for the child to understand why they were placed for adoption. When your son witnesses dysfunction in his birthfamily, it is an opportunity for you to talk with him about the problems in his birthparents' lives that prevented them from raising him, while also affirming your love and warm feelings for his birthfamily. Of course, if the birthfamily's instability ever caused them to be a danger to your son, then it would be important to modify his contact with them accordingly.In determining the level or frequency of contact with the birthfamily, I would suggest you be guided by what is comfortable for them and for you. You can introduce your son's birthmother to him by her first name, calling her his birthmother, and explaining that he grew in her tummy. You may want to read age-appropriate books about birth, such as "Where Did I Come From?" by Carole Livingston, to help your son understand how he is connected with his birthmother.Other age-appropriate storybooks about adoption could also be helpful. "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born", by Jamie Lee Curtis, tells the story of a child coming to her family through adoption. My book, "My Special Family", is designed specifically for children of open adoption to document the story of their family. A free adoption book catalog is available at or you can click on the word SHOP anywhere on this web site and view some adoption titles as well.Best wishes as you solidify your open adoption.Regards,Kathleen

I was so pleased to see the information given by Ms. Silber here in regards o open adoption. The Lord has seen to it that my husband and I were blessed (10 year wait +) with 2 children by open adoption. We feel such a sense of gratitude and awe for the circle of love around our children by these amazing families... from b. mother and b. fathers to uncle, aunt, b. grandparents. I wish other adoptive parents could experience this special (as my daughter 4 yr old says "very very big family") . Thank you for confirming our belief in this important adoption plan.

Originally Posted By maryI was so pleased to see the information given by Ms. Silber here in regards o open adoption. The Lord has seen to it that my husband and I were blessed (10 year wait +) with 2 children by open adoption. We feel such a sense of gratitude and awe for the circle of love around our children by these amazing families... from b. mother and b. fathers to uncle, aunt, b. grandparents. I wish other adoptive parents could experience this special (as my daughter 4 yr old says "very very big family") . Thank you for confirming our belief in this important adoption plan.