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Originally Posted By RhondaWe are in the middle of adopting a lovely 17 month old little girl. We have had her since her 1st birthday. The adoption is an open one. The bithmother was a relative of my sisters husband.I had been praying for a little girl...and then discovered this child was about to be placed for adoption.Everything is going well but we are sort of playing htis by ear as far as our interaction with the birthmother and birthfather.I am so torn up inside all the time. I cannot stop thinking of the bmom or what she must be going through.She never shows any emotion...she is very sweet to her little girl adnwe always try to go get them for a visit at least once a month. But we have never really sat down and talked about boundries or her feelings or anything.I am afraid to intrude into her personal feelings. I just wish that if she were hurting that she would let me know. I want so bad just to hug her and let ehr know how much I care about her and how sorry I am for her hurt. She just has to be hurting.I don't know. I just don't know what to DO about her. I worry that if the visits are more often that it will be unhealthy for our daughter. I am not jealous of them loving each other. In fact I want them to love each other. I want the birth mother to have the oppertunity to love ehr daughter and have a special place in her life...to watch her grow and share special moments. I want my daughter to know she was not abandoned, that her bmom did love her and will always be there. Yet I worry that one day bmom will go away and leave her hurting. I worry that too much contact will hurt the bmom worse..I worry that my daughter will never fully bond with me. (this bonding issue is NOT my main worrY, because I know we will bond)I want to have lots of good visits with the bmom..I want to go to lunch together..our little girl adn the two ladies that love ehr..I want to go on shopping trips together...decorate her room together, pick out clothes together. I want o be a friend with the bmom..sometimes going out to lunch just the two of us without our daughter. I want a bond. I want trust.I also want boundries. I don't want her making me feel guilty if sometimes I cannot come and get her. I don't want her frowning at me like it is my fault if she skins her knee..I don't want her showing up at my house uninvited (at this point in our relationship).Also she has mentioned coming and getting her daughter and taking ehr places one day. I don't want that. I could not do that. I want I want I want. I feel so darned selfish. Yet I feel that I am offering so much. I feel I am offering her to be a part of our very lives!!! I am offering a friendship! Yet I feel selfish..as if I have no right to want.I am very torn apart inside. I don't know what to think or do or say.Everyone except my husband thinks I am crazy for wanting to have an open adoption. But they cannot know how my heartbreaks and how I cry mostly everytime I get off the phone with ehr bmom.I feel ashamed that I want her in my life (the bmom) yet I want to be the one to call the shots...to tell her how close she can be to us. Can someone help. I really don't need anyone angry at what I have said writing me. I had never even considered adoption before this little girl came along. I was only praying to get pregnant again. (we have two sons)I guess part of me still considered HER as the real mom and me just the babysitter...yet I feel as if my daughter has always been with me...she is a part of me...I love her the same as I do my sons.What am I searching for..what are the answers. Why am I so confused.I really need ot talk with someone.Rhonda
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Originally Posted By MichelleRhonda - Most couple who adopt get counseling either through an agency or with the social worker who does the homestudy - and with our agency we have the ability to recieve on-going counseling with them. It sounds like in this case, what you may need to do is contact a Family Therapist - and if you can find one that specializes in adoption that would be even better!I think what you are feeling is normal and you have the right answers in your heart, you just can't get them out. I think you need (and what I think therapists are good for) someone who knows what questions to ask you, to organize your feelings. Although I haven't adopted yet, I think that inter-family adoptions are much harder emotionally - at least for a while.Good luck to you and your family!
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Originally Posted By RhondaThanks Michelle. I am sure you are right. Her bmom came over today for a nice long visit. I enjoyed having her here very much. My daughter really showed out for her. It was very sweet. I re-read my letter I had posted earlier and noted that I said that I cry every time I get off the phone with the bmom. I do not cry because I am having to deal with her. I cry because I cannot imagine how much it must hurt her to have to ASK to visit with her own child.The other day I was really taken aback..I was telling my daughter how much I loved her..and then I heard myself saying, "I love your mother too." meaning her bmom.There is something in me that makes me want to reach out adn nurture her bmom..to help her heal inside..to help her get her life on track..to be a friend..a sister to her. I just don't know if in the real world this can happen. I don't know if it would be healthy for everyone. But in my heart it is what I want.Counciling is something I don't know if I can afford. And I wonder if they have the answers. I am sure many councelers already have their own set of beliefs about what is normal or abnormal in a open adoption. I don't know if I can trust their ideas when it comes to MY family. I do consider the bmom part of my family now, as well as her bgrandmother. My daughter had a life before me ..she is not a slate ot be wiped clean. I am just here to give this child love and stability and a good home and to be a mother to her. Loving ehr with all my heart does not mean she BELONGS to me.I guess I have a lot to work out.I know no matter what the bmom is going to hurt. That is what realy bothers me. It bothers me a whole lot.
Originally Posted By DJAfter reading your emails, it occured to me that you may be having feelings of guilt. Like here you have this wonderful little girl you always wanted and maybe you want the "entire" experience to be a happy one for everyone involved. Remember that the BMom carried this child for 9 months and she will have feelings other that happiness about the whole thing -- so the best thing is to "allow" for those feelings. Express to her this space of allowance -- deal with any fear you have about opening up to this space with her. Do it by yourself first. Have you really asked her how she feels? Get the facts instead of second guessing how she "must" feel. I am working on an open adoption right now. The BMom and I have a good friendship and I am not pushingf for the experience to be as I want it to be. So far, it is going very well. Best wishes to youDJ
Yes I am experiencing guilt. But I am not expecting everything to be perfect and happy. I am not trying to heal her so that I can be happy. I understand that the adoption experience takes care of the needs of all involved..but also hurts all involved. I want to help the bmom because I care about her as a person. I love my new daughter so much adn I feel guilty that I can experience so much joy when the bmom must be...could be hurting. You are right that I cannot assume what she must be feeling. I cannot know her heart. This is part of the problem. I want to reach out to her but am a little afraid to invade her personal self. Thank you for writing. I called the social worker who did the homestudy to see about getting some counciling for all of us. Rhonda
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Originally Posted By MichelleRhonda - I am glad the social worker is helping you - I generally feel the way you do about counselor - their job is to help you understand your feelings, not tell you how to feel. BUT sometimes they can pinpoint the issues you need to deal with so that you can make sure this beautiful little girl grows up secure with herself. And part of that, is having a secure Mommy - and that Mommy is YOU!!!Good Wishes!
Originally Posted By bm JamieDo more research on open adoption.There are allot of books out there that can help you. I try not to show my pain in front of my birthsons parents in person or in my letters.I guess that I feel that it isnt their responsioblity to help me heal.I also dont want them to feel guilt over my pain.She may be trying to protect you by holding back her hurt from you. I vent my pain with my birthmother support group. I just want the afamily to be happy.
Originally Posted By bmomRhonda,You are obviously a very caring person. There should be more of us in this world. It is wonderful that you are being so considerate of this young bmom. I have a suggestion or two. Since this bmom is not very open and able to share her feelings, let that be. Don't try to push the relationship between you and her and/or your daughter. Give it time. You are not crazy. You are thinking about your daughter and that is what is best. You do, however need to think about yourself alos. I suggest that you get some counselling regardng this issue. The fact that you have 2 biosons also may play into this issue of how sensitive you are. We know what bonds naturally and what takes time, and therefore you are more in tune with your maternal feelings. The bmom may walk away for a time whether it may be short or long term. We do that for survival. Denial feels no pain. You should leave the door open and when the time is right, she will come back. You owe it to your daughter to move on in your relationship and if that includes the bmom at this point thats great, if it does not, thats okay too. This bmom probably needs time to mature. She made a hard life defining decision and you are wonderful to be so caring. Write her a letter from you and let her know that you will always be available. Tell her that you will send her pictures and if she wants to get together she can call and arrange a time and date. Give her options, but don't give away your life. You are not a selfish person and neither is the bmom. You just need to relax and enjoy your daughter and the life you have given her. Her bmom will some day come around. As I said, she is most likely hurting and confused and in denial. It takes time. It took me 25 years to feel my pain about relinquishment, I cry everyday, although I am blessed with 4 beautiful daughters and a wonderful husband and now a caring loving birthson has re-entered my life, and yet, my pain is so deep, its hard to see the joy, but I will work thru this. By the way, of course it was a closed adoption and his parents are wonderful. elainebmom2david