"Dumped" info for adoptive parents?

Originally Posted By LinnyWell, Jessie: I appreciate your concern about my post. I have posted this on....(I believe)on the ABC forum under 'What I wish'. What surprises me about this board, is that I think in some posts, the initial question isn't addressed. I'm not doubting that sensitive information needs to be 'sensitive' until the child is grown; but my concern is 'whether this info should be given to adoptive parents in the first place'? Why is it our responsibility to dump this on a child? Some people from the other board have said that they would insist to know everything surrounding the birth of their child. Again, though, they address the 'when should I tell them' aspect. One person said that they should know every detail, because someone else would know, and therefore, they, as the parent, should be the one to inform their child at the right time. (However, if the child chooses to 'not search'...will this matter? And, if the birthparent is silly enough to discuss this info with everyone on the street, then this should tell us more about her/his character, I think.) I'm not saying there is a 'right or wrong'; my wonderment comes from whether ANYONE needs to know the information I listed??? It just seems to me that there are many people who walk this planet very well without knowing that they were the product of rape, their parents went to jail, their parents really 'didn't want them', etc. Yet----because a child is adopted, it's like suddenly their every detail must 'be on display'....just because they're adopted. And......when it comes to the 'listed info'......why is it that we, as adoptive parents, must suffer the consequences of someone else's behaviors? Maybe I come from the 'this was your life then....this is your life now' syndrome; and the thought that if someone wishes to have a new start and 'not look back'(and not search)....then they should have that complete right. Much of my thinking comes from my grown children who think 'searching' is not necessary. It was my oldest daughter who believes that 'having a clean slate' is a benefit of 'not knowing' all the gritty details. In this way, she can be her own person w/o the burden of someone else's choices.Sincerely,Linny

Originally Posted By JenniferI totally agree with you---I believe that a lot of the info should shared with the child by the birthparents. A lot of the times, the agencies only tell the bad stuff so that it will make the child realize that yes, they were better being placed when in fact it was all a cover up--so yes, if there is info for the child--please let the bparents do the explaining--afterall it was a choice that they made for a reason.

Just because the mom knows this info is not really a reason to tell the child...UNLESS they ask.It is a lot like other things a parent knows that doesn't get told to the child.. Aunt Tootie's first husband beat her up, Uncle Whosis had an affair.. lots of information is know by adults that love a child, that doesNOT mean the child has to know everything. Siblings should be told about, though, if they want to find the sibs and not the birth parents, find it in your heart to help them do it.

Originally Posted By TammyYour right I didn't address your original question. When a birth parent gives a child up the social workers, etc. try to obtian as much information as possible and some bmoms I feel don't realize the ramifications of what they say. I don't think they realize this is information will be on the child's record for life. As far as the adoptive parent getting this information, it seems that it is just a "covering our butts" type of thing. If you are given all of the information there is not much you can do if there are problems later. Maybe adoptive parents can ask for just medical records and let the agency they are using that they don't want to know anything else. Wow this was long!!!

Originally Posted By TammyYour right I didn't address your original question. When a birth parent gives a child up the social workers, etc. try to obtian as much information as possible and some bmoms I feel don't realize the ramifications of what they say. I don't think they realize this is information will be on the child's record for life. As far as the adoptive parent getting this information, it seems that it is just a "covering our butts" type of thing. If you are given all of the information there is not much you can do if there are problems later. Maybe adoptive parents can ask for just medical records and let the agency they are using that they don't want to know anything else. Wow this was long!!!

Originally Posted By TammyYour right I didn't address your original question. When a birth parent gives a child up the social workers, etc. try to obtian as much information as possible and some bmoms I feel don't realize the ramifications of what they say. I don't think they realize this is information will be on the child's record for life. As far as the adoptive parent getting this information, it seems that it is just a "covering our butts" type of thing. If you are given all of the information there is not much you can do if there are problems later. Maybe adoptive parents can ask for just medical records and let the agency they are using that they don't want to know anything else. Wow this was long!!!

Originally Posted By TammyYour right I didn't address your original question. When a birth parent gives a child up the social workers, etc. try to obtian as much information as possible and some bmoms I feel don't realize the ramifications of what they say. I don't think they realize this is information will be on the child's record for life. As far as the adoptive parent getting this information, it seems that it is just a "covering our butts" type of thing. If you are given all of the information there is not much you can do if there are problems later. Maybe adoptive parents can ask for just medical records and let the agency they are using that they don't want to know anything else. Wow this was long!!!

Originally Posted By ShannonToday we had a class dealing with this very subject at my adoption agency and the speaker (well-known lecturer and social worker) stated that it is important to tell all the information (including all the bad stuff)you have on the BM and/or BF by the time the turn 18yrs old and leave home. The reason being is that this provides closure for them and their past history. There are no secrets left untold.

Originally Posted By EllenSome of that information I wouldn't want to know about my own parents! I agree that when the child is an adult, and if they ask, then this can be shared. Preferably the bparent will share it. I see you point, it is too much for anyone to digest especialyy at a young age.

Originally Posted By NeilWell, yes, if birth parents discuss this with everyone on the street (I'm thinking of someone in my family who WOULD), that tell us something about them. But it may then still get back to the children we care about. Are we interested in being "right," or in what's best for our kids?Some of these things may be relevant for the adoptive parents whether they are shared with the children or not: Parent in jail (not likely to be coming around and making trouble anytime soon), conceived by incest (may be significant for health concerns), maternal drug use, etc.

Originally Posted By LinnyShannon: Thanks for your reply. I read with interest what your class instructor suggested. In our class, we were told the best way to say anything to the child about sensitive info is to tell them before age 11yrs. If not....wait through the teen years and tell them after age 18. While I would never advocate secrecy....and I've mentioned this a couple of times.....my question is whether this info should be shared by the agency to the adoptive parents in the first place. Is it really necessary for us, as adoptive parents, to be the ones discussing how and what and why a birthparent did what they did...when we weren't there and really cannot speak for someone else's actions? Just our family's thoughts.....Linny

Originally Posted By ChadHelloYou will find that many ages are talked about at best times of disclosure. Age 11 is questionable since full cognitive functioning may not yet be reached as well as maturity level. However, I personally feel that very young ages (3-6) are best to discloses adoption due to socialization of what it means to be adopted and integration into a child understanding. This certainly does not mean going too far into the rabbit hole of all the ills of the life of the biological family especially due to cognitive levels. Should the agency disseminate this information? Yes, to the point of the adoptee finding closure and each individual will find closure with varying amounts of info so a good deal of info is needed. This may also facilitate a rewarding open relationship if a reunion occurs. Further, we must not relinquish all info to the point of breaching what the biological parents may find offensive, in breach of confidentiality, or beyond their comfort levels. In truth some adoptees may need more info than can be give unless a reunion is possible and that is definitively up to the biological parent/s This choice makes it even more crucial the we give out information to the adoptive parents and adoptee. This places a great amount of responsibility on the biological parents for being objective and accepting of faults as well as accurate portrayals of biological parents. This should also be advocated for when rationing out such information to adoptive parents. I hope you find this helpful.Chad

Unfortunately, we are the dumpees, while our children are the adoptees. However, I think that the information is relevant. Not necessarily for our children but for the sake of knowing should problems arrive. For instance, my daughters bmom was drinking and on crack cocaine while she was carrying my daughter. So far I haven't seen any problems with this as far as psychological but should they arise, It could take some of the guess work out for doctors. Same with incest...could possibly mess them up. Or what if our child was abducted??? If we knew a bdad or bmom was in jail and for what we might be able to rule them in or out as abductors but certainly shows character. Whether or not I will tell my daughter that her bmom was a drug addict or was in jail or anything I don't know. It may be that I will if I feel that her search could lead her to danger, which is another GOOD reason to know. Hope this contributes .

I think these same questions should be treated the same as divorce or dysfuntional families would. I am 27 and I am still learning about my paremts life and how I was raised and their relationship...I used to wish I was adopted...That maybe someone out there was looking for me, and this these crazy people weren't the answer to who I was. Now I understand my parents as people and I love seeing things from this adult perspective. Should a friend of mine not know the reason her husband left her and her children or should she be glad to know that he is a homosexual so that when those inevitable conversations arise, she can explain and teach as is her right and responsibilty as a parent. I always wanted to know WHY growing up and still now as an adult. I am looking forward to getting every detail about my future achilds birthparents, so I can be fully prepared for the WHY's. Discrection should definatley be used, but it drives me crazy not to know WHY things are and HOW COME and if I were adopted, then I believe I would have been twice as curious and twice as frustrated without answers. Besides, if you have the opportunity to talk about rape and incest and prison and are able to portray it as the sins of only the people commiting them, then when a child is grown and happens across their birth stories by any means, they will be able to adjust easier and quicker, and it will be less damaging because you have aleady laid the foundation for their understanding.

I think that if as an adoptive parent you have information about birth family you have a responsibility to pass it on to the child, of course at the appropriate time. You will know when the right time is. e.g. I would wait until the child is an adult before telling them they were conceived as a result of rape. that's going to be a hard one to deal with. Imagine how your child would feel if they found out these things some other way and knew you knew all along. It's better coming from a parent I think.