Advice for aMoms/ Hospital

An Adoptive Mother-to-be writes to me: "Tabitha is due May 16th and will be having a girl. We have a wonderful relationship with Tabitha and to be honest we have become so close to her that upon deliver I will be there with her. My Husband and I want to give her something really special when the baby is born something she can always keep and I would love to get some suggestions from you. I know she will be hurting, her heart will be broken and at the same time I will be over filled with joy but on the same note, hurting for her. By no means do I feel Tabitha has done this for us, I know all she has done was for her child, and at the same time she has blessed us by selecting us to be her childs parents, but how do you tell someone thank you and you love them when you see them hurt so bad. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Thanks for any advice." - An Adoptive Mom to be My response.... One of the benifits of an open adoption is the blessing a Birthmother may give to the Adoptive Parents. When I placed my newly born daughter into her new Mother's arms, I was also giving my blessing to parent my daughter to her new parents. I believe that blessing is very important. In those times in which the adoptive parents may feel 'guilty' for the joy they have - and the grief the Birthparents have - because of their new child they can remember they have the Birthparents blessing. I am thankful for Beth's (My daughter's Mother) compassion towards my pain and grief, but at the same time, I did not want her to be plagued by it. I wanted her to enjoy my daughter and her new role as 'Mom'. I remember Beth visiting me in the hospital many times. She too was there for Emily's birth, though not in the actual delievery room. She presented me with a 'Circle of Love' necklace with Emily's birth stone on it. I was very touched by this gift. My suggestions for gifts at this stage of the relationship are such necklaces. Anything with the child's birth stone in it are nice as well. I loved anything that validated that I wasw indeed a mother. Yes, I was Emily's mother by birth; and I was not her parent, but I was Mother. Also, a nice journal would make a nice gift. Maybe with a snazzy new pen. That way she can write her emotions in the days to come and possibly present it to your child some day in the future. If the Birthmother is not able to pay for the baby's pictures in the hospital, getting her a package would be a great gift idea as well. Maybe before hand you can pick out a nice frame for the child's newborn pictures to go in to? Maybe a photo album for the Birthmother to fill at future visits? Keep in mind, that all Birthmothers are different - we each have different tastes! These are just suggestions. As far as those last moments before she leaves the baby in your arms, that will be tough no matter what is done or said. In my case, few words were uttered, but many tears were shed by Beth and I. In her silence and with her tears I was able to see her love for our child and also for me. The best way to tell a Birthmother thank you for the child you are now or will be raising is simple: Love that child. Each time I see my daughter well loved, happy and healthy, it is a gift to myself straight from God and her Parents. You cannot buy such a gift as this. To embrace the Birthmother in your lives and your hearts is a gift that keeps on giving. Open adoption is not easy, by no means, it takes trust, love, , committment, respect, communication and honesty. But it is worth it! Remember during the tough times, that it is all for the sake of the child you both love so dearly. I can see in your words your love for Tabitha. Not merely for the child that is within her, but a true sensitivity to Tabitha's feelings. Your compassion is very refreshing. When you love a child, you love all of that child. The Birthmother of that child is a part of that child and that child is part of her. There is nothing that can be done to sever this. My personal belief is that your daughter will respect you more one day because of your willingness to embrace her Birthmother. God bless you and your family!