What do bmom's look for?

I think that by reading and posting on this site that you will learn a lot of different answers to that question. It is as hard of a question as 'how many shades of blue exist?' I think that every woman wants something different. And no matter how prepared you are to release your child you never know how it feels until you have done it. Same for the adoptive parents. I believe that there is a bm out there for almost every kind of scenario imaginable, the trick is figuring out what you want from your adoption experience and then finding the birthmom who best fits you. It would probably be easier to make a list of things that birthmoms do not want ;) I think some things that both birthparents and adoptive parents want are compassion and honesty, understanding and to be understood, to trust and to be trusted. A great post by a birthmom can be found by going to the birthparents after adoption group, then to birthfamily post relinquishment: healing recovery and success. The original post is entitled "Thank-you to the birthmoms at this site - the thread I would recommend is the eighth one, it was written by schatz and titled "What i wish I could tell my daughter's mother". It is beautifully written and about as from the heart as you can get. I hope this helps a little Lisa

Hello Care, I think Lisa hit the nail on the head when she stated that all potential bParents are looking for different things. Some are looking for two parent homes with a mother who will stay at home. Some are looking for a strong Christian family. Some are looking for a family who is artistic. Some are looking for a family who is like their own. I think it is safe to say, however, that most potential bParents are looking for an adoptive family is who real. Someone who is geniune in their "Dear bMom letter". You can usually spot someone who fills their letter with things they think the potential bParents will want to hear. Though tempting, this is very unfair to the adoptive couple, to the bParents, and especially to the child. I remember looking through profile after profile of families showing off their large homes. Then, I came to one profile of a family whose home wasn't that large ...and what really got me was a photo of them eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and smiling. I did meet this couple, and although I knew they weren't right for my child ...I still know there were wonderful, genuine folks. I know they will be a great match for another. Most bParents also look for things like stability, honesty and truth, someone who will keep their word and honor their promises. I can recall a comment from a waiting adoptive mother: "It's a shame that a pbMom will pass up the perfect couple just because they weren't as open as she wished" My response: Well, if they weren't what she was looking for in openness, then they were not the perfect couple. Choosing possible parents for our children is not something we take lightly, and it is not something in which we should settle for second best. If you think a pbMom is asking for a lot from you ...just think what you are asking of her. Thank you for asking such a great question! God bless! Skye

I am going to be a birthmother. I am looking for how long they been married, how long they were together before they got married, any pets, hobbies that they have in common with me, jobs, home, college educated, how close are they to their family and things like that.

I looked for the same kind of things longgreengrass said she is looking for. Randa bmom to Matthew mom Aja, Nick, Eli, & Emily

IMHO, I think a lot of potential birthmothers are looking for a family who can provide what they, the birthmothers, cannot. That doesn't mean a big house full of expensive toys. I know that I looked for a couple who had certain qualities that I lacked: a stable marriage, a close and loving relationship with each other, an intense desire to be parents. Basically, I looked for a couple who would raise my daughter the way I would have raised her, if I were able to do so. I spent a lot of time, both own my own and with a counselor, deciding what I wanted for my daughter. While I wrote down a lot on paper, what really made the biggest impact on me were the mental pictures I had in my head of what she'd be doing with her family: splashing in puddles after a rainstorm, snuggled up in bed reading books with her mom, traveling to interesting places and trying new things... and then I looked for a family I could imagine doing those all of those things with my daughter. That's not to say that I didn't have basic requirements -- I wanted a married couple, protestant, under 35, college educated, etc. I had my own set of requirements, and those will differ from birthmom to birthmom. My best advice is to BE YOURSELF. I totally agree with Skye about not filling your Dear Birthmom letter with fluff you think a potential birthmom wants to hear. We want to know YOU. If we don't know the real you, how can we know if you're the right people for our baby? Be honest and open. Good luck. Emma

I just want to say thank you to the birthmoms that answered this thread. Your answers to this question will be forever valuable to me. I'm always thinking, what if my house isn't nice enough and what if I'm not the richest. Your answers here made me see that it's not material, it's whats in your heart that counts. I realize each birthmom has their own requirements but in the end it truly does come down to a connection. Thank You, Stacy

I think all you birthmoms had alot of great comments..:) We are adopting again and we wanted to just be ourselves in our profile for a expectant mom. I picked out fun things that we do with our daughter we adopted 14 months ago. I had pictures of me in her crib, playing in her pool with her and even riding her on her bike that her uncle got her. We were matched with a wonderful person. Her comments about us was that she could tell how much we loved our daughter and how much we loved each other. She said we were more than what she was looking for in a family!!! That was so cool of her to say that..I adore my hubby and daughter..We were matched in 1 month and 3 days and the baby is due in less than 5 weeks!!! I am so thankful that expectant parents take the time to look for the right family for their children. We will always be thankful for you all. I pray that God blesses each and every one of you!!! Hugs, Cathy..Soon mommy again!!!:D

Most bParents also look for things like stability, honesty and truth, someone who will keep their word and honor their promises. Skye hit it on the head straight on! That's exactly the key ingredients I was looking for when searching for a couple for my birthchild.

After all ...if someone cannot have enough integrity to follow through with their promises to their child's firstmother ... it makes one wonder if other areas in their life will lack integrity too. No one is perfect, of course, however, I wanted my daughter to be raised by parents who put truth, virture, and integrity at the top of the charts ~ furthermore, a promise to me, really, is a promise to the daughter we all love. Skye

I am very nervous no one will want us. We have a bit of a unique family. My husband did not go to college but has taken engineering courses (he is an Engineer) and makes a very good salary that allows me to stay home and be there for our two teenage daughters. I did attend college but never finished my degree (children happily always came first) . Both daughters will be going to college and are honor students. We have no set religion. My extended family is Christian, my husband's is Jewish and we tend to lean toward the Buddhist ways. We do however celebrate Christmas and Hannukah in our home and with our large extended families. I guess the last unique thing is that we are all vegetarian. So I guess my question is, do we have a chance ever or are we too unique??

Tracey, Potential birthmothers are as unique as potential adoptive parents. Your family's unique qualities may make you the PERFECT match for someone. As for your hubby not finishing college... neither has mine. Vegetarian? So was I when I got pregnant. (Had been for four years.) No set religion? Me neither...... So here is at least one birthmother who would have taken a good long look at your profile! :) I'll admit that education was kind of a criteria for me... but more because I wanted to make sure that education was a strong value in the home. If you're worried about you and hubby not having degrees, I'd do what you did here: mention that you have strongly encouraged your daughters to attend college, and you would do so for any other other child who came into your home. Good luck! Don't be too worried, I'm sure you'll be just the parents someone is searching for! N