Not my husband's baby... He will take me back if I give him up! Help!

You have received lots of information to try to take in. Perhaps it might be an idea to speak to your family physician or a counsellor. The responses you have received in regards to your posting all have merit, but it is what is in your heart and your mind that will decide the final outcome of your situation. It is very true that you will most likely regret giving up your baby for the rest of your life, however, will you also regret giving up your family. I doubt the fact that your husband will ever let you forget that you bore another man's child and I also doubt the fact that he will want you to have contact with this child due to the fact that it will take time away from you being with your family the two of you have together. Your counsellor or even an adoption agency or physician will help you document the pros and cons of both scenarios. Either way it will be a tough road, but have faith in God to give you the strength to make your decision and stick by it. There is alot of help out there. Many people have trained for years to counsel you on situations like this, find one and sit down and decide. Christmas is coming and I would think you might want to be a little more stable by that time for your other children. Best wishes and prayers are here for you during your difficult time. Please feel free to email me if you wish to chat about this at all: scltbiro@execulink.com LOL:)

What a horrible dilema. I will pray for you and all those involved. I had to stop reading the posts because of some of the assumptions. Like those that cast your husband as a horrible person. I don't know your situation intimately. So many people will swear that they know what they would do....but how could they. It's easy to analyse the situation "on paper." You were separated at the time of conception. But there must still be somehthing there to salvage if you are trying to get back together. I don't know your husband or the circumstances that you separated. But he must be very hurt and confused himself right now. You have an enormous responsibility to consider all those lives involved, yours, your husband, your children, your unborn child, and the birthfather. Most seem to forget there is a birth father that deserves consideration. Forget the comparisons to Susan Smith. I can't believe someone would feel that it would be helpful to post that. Don't count on this forum alone. Please seek counceling from those you trust. Seek advice from those who you can tell the whole story to. Feel free to email me if you'd like. Best of luck to you and everyone involved.

Who needs you most your baby or your estranged husband? It is time to face up to your choices, you chose to be with another man. You chose to keep the other mans child. Be a woman and face your choices. Live with your mistakes and make the most of them. I agree with the person above who asked if you really have worked out the problems you had with your EH or are you denying there ever where problems? SOMETHING made you break from that relationship. Is it just easier to go back and not try and make it on your own? Your new baby is innocent and a product of your rebellion. Tell you ex to take it or leave it. You are responsible for the life you brought into this world. Get some counseling. The child will be emotionally scared for life (read Primal Wound) is that another choice you are willing to make? Your ex will get over it your child won't. Sorry to sound so harsh but we all know what makes babies and THEY are the innocents in all of this. You can't wash them away.

We can only go by what is written here. If she doesn't give all the details, we don't know that. If you don't want someone to try to help, don't post. That's what these forums are for. I am not saying NOT to give the baby up. I was saying not to do it JUST for her husband. The reference to Susan Smith was just *shock factor*, to kind of say WAKE UP. We do not live our lives for our husbands/significant others. We are strong women, and we should never forget that. If she decides that it's best for HER to give the baby up for adoption, that's different. The feeling I got from the original post was that she was thinking about giving the baby up JUST to get her husband back. That's not right. It seems to be difficult enough to give a baby up for adoption when you are completely aware of the issues. Don't compound the grief with feeling it was the wrong decision. I am now going to edit my post, as after reading it, I do realize that paragraph is a lot harsher than I intended. Hopefully, here, I have kind of clarified what I was trying to say in my original post.

33 years ago I faced the same decision you are now facing. I had a 5 year old daughter and had gotten pregnant by my childhood sweetheart while my husband was overseas in the service. I was told by my husband that the only way our marriage had a chance to survive was if I put my baby up for adoption. And so I did as he said as my heart broke. After many unhappy years together, we divorced. Meanwhile I had to spend the rest of my life knowing that I had given my son away. A little over a year ago, my son found me and I am finally beginning to get to know him. I am one of the lucky ones. Living with the guilt, pain and loss of a child is anguish that is almost unimaginable if you haven't been there. Since my reunion with my son, I have been in touch with many birth mothers and trust me, if you choose to surrender your child to adoption, you will most likely be letting yourself in for a lifetime of pain and heartbreak. Surrendering a child to adoption is an irrevocable decision that will change your life in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. It is an unnatural act which goes against our most basic human instincts. Losing a husband pales tremendously in comparision to losing a child. Adoption may be a perfect solution for women who want to adopt, but for birth mothers and their children, it is anything but. I urge you to find another solution than surrendering your baby.

keep your baby - you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't, trust me, i'm a birthmother searching for my son - not one day has passed in the last 18 years that I have not grieved for him. The unknowing is the worst - if i had it to do all over again - i would have made the better decison and kept my precious little boy. Your husband won't forget either - the child being gone from your life will not make him forget nor forgive - keep your baby - he/she is innocent...

HI To give advice to you would be so intrusive at a time like this. There are so many options that you have as a women. What I would do in a case like this is seek the advice of a professional. Putting up a baby for adoption is a life altering decision but so is losing your family. I also would speak candidly to my husband and see if this is the only option you have. I have been childless for a long time and wish nothing more than to be a parent. Please take your time to make the right decision. I might consider open adoption if your husband would agree to take you back under those circumstances. Take care and I will pray for you to make the right decision

Hi... I was in the same position in 1948 - except I was the baby! I was adopted by a wonderful family, and have turned out well, but now I would like to find my Mother to let her know everything turned out OK. However, her family was told I was born dead, so I expect to have a hard time finding anyone... You have to go with your heart on this one, but know this - any decision you make will be out of love, and will surely turn out OK. My prayers are with you!

Oh thank you for saying you had a wonderful adopted life. We are trying so hard to adopt at it breaks my heart to hear the birthmothers cries and the children looking for their creators. I cannot even write a birthmother letter for our adoption. How can I tell someone that I am better than they are for their blessing. I pray I will be a great momma to our future adoption children and I will thank God each day that God's plan let me love and share a mother's greatest blessing.

I was reading through this thread and WOW,alot of different experiences and alot of advice from all prospectives, as a Mom to two daughters one that I placed in 1983 and am searching for I can say that children are forever they don't just go away, whether we place them for adoption or not, they are always in your heart, in your thoughts and dreams. I can't replace my girls however after their Dad died my life went on and after nine years The good Lord put a wonderful, kind loving man in my life that accepted me and my daughter that grew up without ever having to share Mom(lots of jealousy problems incurred) and he also accepts the fact that I spend my spare moments searching for the daughter that I had to relinquish. Have faith in God and do what your heart tells you is the right thing and you'll have no regrets. God Bless you and you are in my prayers

you shouldnt have to do what he wants you to do, do what you want to do with your child, we gave our baby up as a mutual agreement, we knew it was the right thing to do, now, we never seperated, were not married yet, but will be and if we were, i dont think he would tell me that i have to give up my baby because its another mans child, i have a great fiance and wouldnt cheat on him or anything, he has a four year old that he struggles to pay child support for, now hes a firefighter/paramedic and does electrical work,so he makes pretty good money, but he also has a house and a car payment and insurance to pay, and i have alot going on also, so thats why we did what we did with our son bryan michael, its a painful thing to do and we swore that we'll never do it again, no matter how bad we are finacially or with our relationship, i wish you all the luck and remember do what YOU want to do, not him

I have been married for 25 years this last April. My husband and I have 4 Children of our own. I think if he loves you as much as you think he does. That Baby is part of you. As for giving up a child of mine for a man he is not worth having in the first place. He loves you he must love your child. Give him some time and remind him that is your child and his children's sibling. God Bless your family.

my advice to the original first post..... leave your husband, raise your child. If he's not willing to raise your baby, your flesh and blood, then you and your baby can be a happy family together. A marriage isn't worth the loss of a child, especially when you don't want to part with him or her. Listen to your baby, listen to your heart.

I respectfully disagree. A marriage is totally worth saving over losing a child. The child will grow up one day and leave you, as he should. Your husband should be your life partner, and the reason for the child being created in the first place. Try to convince your husband that your love together as a couple will overcome the difficulty of your mistake of concieving another man's child. Your marriage could become stronger if he is able to accept the challenge. He could come to love the child as his own. This is only possible if you both agree to the sacrifice it will take to support each other. But, I don't agree that a child is more important than either marriage partner. Adoption could be a viable answer, if you both agree to it.

I'm not sure what the op decided, but she posted back in 2002...