could use some advice

Dear jj, There is a lot that can be happening with a newly placed child. While her behavior may seem extreme, it's really hard to make judgements so soon. Grief can be an incredible force in young children. Your daughter has had a lot of ups and downs, and many significant losses in her little 5 years. Given the behaviors you are seeing, I would encourage you to touch base with a therapist specializing in adoption. I learned the hard way, typical child psychologists just do not seem to understand the issues unique to adoption (especially the grief/loss/attachment issues). Maybe just a phone call would be all you need. Again, it is so soon that it's hard to interpret these behaviors. But since they are extreme, the sooner you reach out for help and turn things around, the better. In the meanwhile, being non-reactive is great. For now I would recommend working very hard at keeping your emotions in check. She needs to learn that you accept her 100% and anger on your part may just make things worse. That doesn't mean act chipper as she is spitting all over you. Just matter of fact help her identify her emotions and have her sit with you till calm. I would encourage you to throw in lots of extra love and nurturing, especially when she is acting out. She really needs to know consistency and love. See if she will let you cuddle her like a baby. Actually hold her in your lap, craddled in your arms. Sing to her, rock her - do all the things you would do with a raging 1 year old. But do it all the time, not just when she needs calmed. As much as possible , try to give her the world of a baby/toddler. Keep her close, nurture her a lot, play toddler games, make her choices for her (even choosing what to drink can be very stressful for a child not use to making choices). Keep her world small and reduce unnecessary stimuli. I would even encourage you to bottle feed her a few times a day. Don't laugh at this idea, it was part of my then 8 year olds therapy, and he loved it. We started with milk, per his choice, then graduated to hot chocolate. Some kids prefer pop or juice in the bottle. I would encourage you to not use time outs with her. The first 5 years of her life were a major time out, so it's not likely to work. Instead try time in. Have her sit with you, so that your presence can help her come back under control. I would tell my son, Looks like your having trouble with bad feelings. You need to stop ____, now come and sit with me. After he calms and is ready to cuddle, we talk out his feelings, and how to better handle bad feelings. I wish you luck. Keep posting. I found other parents to be a wonderful source of support and encouragement during my son's most difficult times. DimasMom

I agree with DimasMom completely. Up your cuddle time: lots of rocking, laughing, singing, swimming, eye contact, spoon feeding, etc. Read about grief in children just to help you be more aware of how it shows itself in children, as well as how to help her with it. And, put a call into a therapist. To my mind, it's best to ask for help too soon rather than waiting. If you don't speak French (is that the right language?), try to find someone to come in a couple times a week to help translate. If you don't speak French, AND they didn't prepare her very well in Haiti, she may be in a complete state of chaos and not even be sure what's going on. At any point, someone to translate will provide you with a chance to share things with her, and to answer her questions. Best wishes! Older child adoption is filled with challenges and many, many joys!

Thanks for the ideas. Today we had an awesome morning. We watched Sesame Street together and Barney. She started to sing the first few lines to the song. It was a riot. After lunch she had a spell where I knew she was getting tired, but she wouldn't even consider laying down to take a nap. This was her trigger for a bad spell. She told me to get away, but I just sat there with her and told her "No, I love you and I'm not going away". She pinched, pushed, peed, and still I told her I love her. Then she stripped, got caught up in her clothes, so I helped her out of them all the while telling her that it was OK to be mad and that Mama loved her. I kept attempting to lovingly touch her. Sometimes she let me, sometimes she didn't. This lasted for about 1 hour. Finally, as we were sitting on the floor in her room, she held her arms out to me and let me take her into my arms. We cuddled like that for a long while and then she got dressed. This afternoon, she was a pleasant, affectionate, little girl. I know it's tough for her. I speak a fair amount of French, so I know she is understanding what I say. She is starting to use English phrases now- appropriately- which after 1 week, I think shows she's pretty smart. I guess I just have to keep the course and pray that God gives me all the patience I need to help her through this. There is a wonderful little girl in there just waiting to shine. I can see her. Thanks again.

Hi Jackie: Thank you for your special update of your dear little one. I think you are right she is quite smart. My girl friend's daughter is quite bright too. She has a determined spirit which can be difficult to parent at times. She pulled her hair out in large clumps. Her doctor diagnosed her with Torrent (sp?) syndrome. This little lady thrives on challenges. She is a very special girl. I am so happy that you speak French and that you have the patience and strong LOVE that it takes. Stay at it, girl. Perhaps, Dr. Art will be on and can comment if Torrent (sp?) syndrome shows up at this young of an age. Also, Dr. Art or Susan Ward may have some wonderful cuddling techniques to recommend. There are three locations to check for articles that may be quite a bit of help. 1) [url]http://www.adoptionlibrary.com[/url] 2) [url]http://adopting.org/dr_art.php[/url] 3) [url]http://www.olderchildadoptions.com/[/url] You are in my prayers, dear one. Warm regards,

Dear Jackie, I agree with Dimasmom, so find a competant therapist who is expereinced and well trained in attachment and adoption. Getting a good evaluation now would be helpful. You can identify any areas that may require additional support and also put you mind at rest if there are few or no areas to worry about. One other area to look at is Sensory integration. Many children who have spent time in orphanages have sensory-integration difficulties. You will need to find a PT who is certified in Sensory Integration. If you go to my website and go to the links page you can find some helpful links to sensory-integration info. Sabra, Toretts(sp?) Syndrome can show up at a young age, but I did not read anything in Jackie's description to make me think of that. No, I was thinking more of sensory-integration difficulties and attachment difficulties. The hair pulling could be a symptom of either SI or attachment difficulties. Given the history...five years old, 2.5 yrs in institutions and who knows what earlier experiences before that...I think that is a good bet. Lots of regressive parenting would be a good start...holding, cuddling, feeding her, bathing her...treating her like a young toddler would all help and also give you a good idea of what she is able to tolerate. If she cannot tolerate these things, that would be more concerning. Please keep us posted. I'd like to hear more.

Since posting the question, we have had alot of things develop or come to light. Probably the one of the most significant is that a bone age test has shown that she is closer to 4 years than 5.5 years. Now we know this is not 100% accurate and we have to watch how she grows over the next year to see how things progress, but it certainly sheds a little more light on her behavior. Her time in the orphanage was actually 18 months with about 6 months in the hospital prior to placement. We have definitely decided to treat her like a toddler in most respects of her life. It seems to be something she needs and is responding to. The hair eating has not happened since the last post. I question if it was more for shock value than anything else. I think she wonders if we will still love her even if she does "ugly" things. We are making it clear that we love her- especially during the tantrums. We have made a huge amount progress these last few weeks. I'm not saying it's roses, but it is better. She is defiant but she is starting it understand and accept that no, in terms of setting and enforcing parental limits, means no. Her tantrums are shorter and we can go a couple of days as opposed to a couple of hours without one- especially if she takes her nap. She is a very loving and affectionate child, quick to smile and she loves to play. She is starting to play by herself and if I tell her I'm leaving the room to fold laundry or do whatever, she is OK. She loves Barney and Sesame Street and we are learning to count and sing the ABC song. I'm amazed every day by how much she is soaking up. Her moods do turn quickly, but if she doesn't get the response she is looking for, she turns herself back around and the "Boo Lip" goes away. For example: At supper, she was offered ice water (we were out of milk) and she refused the whole meal. She pushed her fork and plate to the middle of the table. I know she was waiting for us to play up and make a fuss to beg her to eat or take the food away or do something. Well, we left it where it was, the family ate and had a normal dinner conversation. Just as the last plate was being cleared, she decided it was time for her to eat. She cleared the whole plate, got down from her chair, and life went on. She does save somethings just for her father- she knows he's a softer sell than Mom, but Dad is starting to see this manipulation and is not playing along. I guess we will watch how things progress over the next few weeks. Though it feels like it's been longer (sleep deprivation will do that to you), it has only been three weeks since we've been home. I do appreciate all the advice and recommendations. We are certainly leaving all our options open and will seek the help for areas where we know we are way out of our league. I'm thankful for a forum like this. It helps me so much to know that we are not alone in our experiences. Thank you!!

i am very interesting to find out the progression in your little girl? there is a french site you might been interested in, fr.groupsyahoo.com/group/fleurdelotus/ . i realized, that brighter they are , more challenges we have to over come!

Man- I read those posts and cannot believe how far we have come in a few months. Our daughter is doing much much much much better! The tantrums are almost nonexistant, and we did get her into play therapy with a great social worker (glad I took that advice) which has made a big difference. She is even starting to act out some of her "stuff" by herself here at home. It can be a little difficult to watch sometimes because she does seem pretty agressive with the "imaginary" kids, but she uses specific names when she is doing this, so I know she's clearing up some pretty serious feelings. She can still be alittle clingy, but that's slowly improving and her sleep patterns are also improving. She has a fear of the dark but we are lighting the path from her room to ours overnight, so that has helped her feel much more comfortable. We are coming together as a family now. My sons accept her as their sister and we see some really great interaction between them. My hubby still hates to hear her cry, but at least he's not letting her control every situation now. It is amazing, when I look back over these last 3 months, how the transformation has happened. Thank you for caring enough to ask. God bless! Jackie