New to process and a little nervous (m)

We have a very open adoption with our daughters bmom. It was difficult at first to get them to understand that our motives were not of someone just "saying what they wanted to hear" to get their baby. While visiting with them, they did accuse us of just saying anything to get the baby. We gathered our things and said if after all this time, that is how you feel, then we are not the parents for this baby. They changed their tune real quick and apologized for doubting our word. We had a paper drawn up that was called a Gentleman's agreement. It is not a legal document and cannot be held up in court. It does give the bparents the comfort they need. It is just a paper stating what is being agreed upon (visits, pics etc.) and all of you sign it. That really gave our bmom piece of mind. Like I said, it doesn't legally mean anything, but it does show your intent. Hope this helps.

I definitely can remember having those feelings of doubt and wondering how much I really could trust my son's aparents. I made my adoption plan very late in my pregnancy, and only met them 2 days before I gave birth so I really did not have the time to get to know them and build that trust. The agency that I worked with had a similar type of agreement as blittle mentioned called a communication agreement that all of us signed when we met. It outlined what we agreed on in terms of openness and communication and once my son was born I realized that I needed more than I thought I would want before he was born. Luckily his parents agreed to add more communication to the original agreement, and we all signed the new one when they came to the hospital to pick Cole up. I know that it is hard to trust strangers in today's society, and people still go back on their word sometimes even after they sign documents like that. I think that you will be able to help build that trust by taking the time to really get to know the birthparents during the pregnancy, and also by being honest in your words and actions. I doubt that any plan always works out exactly as hoped, so if there ever is an instance that you have to change something or do things differently than agreed on be sure to explain why. I feel that the thing that most birthparents want the most is honesty and respect. I know that before I met K & S that they worried about the impression they would make on me when we met, and if I would be too critical of them. Once Cole was born and went home with them there was a complete role reversal and I wondered if they judged me or thought badly of me. It is really hard to be a birthmother and feel respected. To me trust, honesty, and respect go hand in hand in hand ;) I am sure that you already do this, but it might help you the most to talk to other couples who have the kind of relationship with their birthparents that you want and see what has worked for them. I think that the more you know about adoption and the ways that people make openness work, the easier it will be for you to make your experience a positive, successful one. hugs, Lisa

Hello - What a great question! Thanks bLittle and Lisa for great responses! I too suggest getting it down on paper. Although it is not legally enforcalbe, it may help down the road to have written words to reflect upon. The agency I used called it a "contract of the heart". It is good to think ahead. Sometimes, things change when babies are born. We don't really know how we will think after we are holding the little bundle. I also suggest finding support with other aMoms with positive open adoptions. If you surround yourself with others who do not have open adoptions, but more closed adoptions ...they may not be able to offer you the support you may need. Or even possibly downplay your open adoption choice. Read some books about open adoptions like "The Children of Open Adoption" by Kathleen Silber, and "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter. Maybe write down your own personal reasons for wanting an open adoption with your child's bParents. Keep it in a private journal ...and when/if things get bumpy, you can always go back and read what you have written. Asking questions is the first step! Feel free to come back anytime to get more feedback. Skye

We also wanted open adoption. Only you know why you want open adoption and then tell the birth mother why. I think it would reassure her that you really want to have the bmom in the babies life. I'll tell you why we wanted open adoption. I didn't want our son to wonder for most of his life who is his bparents or who do he looks like and where he comes from. That is the main reason we wanted open adoption. I must admit I was a little scared of having her over. I thought maybe she will try and be the mommy of the baby but she fell into the role of our daughter. I am glad to say our open adoption is going very, very well. What I would tell you is make sure you talk with your bmom and talk out how you both want the relationship to work out. Also talk about what the baby will call the birth mother. Good luck