New here and really need advice

You know what's best for your child and if these visits are interfering with your bonding and parenting, arrange them so they're on your terms. spread them out farther. If that doesn't work, then stop them. If it's unhealthy for you and your child, it's no good.

I understand that a major factor in an open adoption working effectively is TRUST. By delving into your private matters, she is breaching trust. However, if you aren't honest with her and just completely cut her off, she will feel that you violated trust as well. Then things get ugly and bitter really fast. Is there someone you can refer her to for counseling? The birthmother we're working with is getting extensive counseling and from research and talking with various people involved in different aspects of adoption, it makes a GREAT difference the adoption process. I referred to the baby as "ours"- making sure she knew that I meant hers, mine, and my husbands. She was quick to correct me. She stated, "That's really sweet but I want you to know that I'm giving up any and all rights as a parent to this baby. This is YOUR child. And I'm okay with that." I can tell you, she continues to affirm and strengthen the trust-level in our relationship. We also have a very close relationship with the extended birthfamily. But I wouldn't allow anyone to undermine my relationship with my children, spouse, or make me feel like they were second guessing everything I said or did. This is UNHEALTHY. Would you or your husband permit your own family or in-laws to do this? It's not an easy situation but I vote for counseling if it's an option. I wish all of you the best.

I understand that a major factor in an open adoption working effectively is TRUST. By delving into your private matters, she is breaching trust. However, if you aren't honest with her and just completely cut her off, she will feel that you violated trust as well. Then things get ugly and bitter really fast. Is there someone you can refer her to for counseling? The birthmother we're working with is getting extensive counseling and from research and talking with various people involved in different aspects of adoption, it makes a GREAT difference the adoption process. I referred to the baby as "ours"- making sure she knew that I meant hers, mine, and my husbands. She was quick to correct me. She stated, "That's really sweet but I want you to know that I'm giving up any and all rights as a parent to this baby. This is YOUR child. And I'm okay with that." I can tell you, she continues to affirm and strengthen the trust-level in our relationship. We also have a very close relationship with the extended birthfamily. But I wouldn't allow anyone to undermine my relationship with my children, spouse, or make me feel like they were second guessing everything I said or did. This is UNHEALTHY. Would you or your husband permit your own family or in-laws to do this? It's not an easy situation but I vote for counseling if it's an option. I wish all of you the best.

There is always the chance that the "line" will be crossed between bparents and aparents. I am an aparent and we have an open relationshipt with our daughters amom. She would never think to tell us how to raise our daughter and understands that once she relinquished she was still our daughter's mother, but not her mom. I am the mom and we will raise our daughter as we think should be done. If your bmom is getting past the comfort zone of you and your husband, then you need to calmly bring it to her attention and let her know that there are things that are bothering you and that you need to talk about them. I wouldn't stop the visits, but I would make sure the ground rules for the visits were well understood. (for the possible bmom: don't let internet forums and such effect the way you think about adoption. Not all situations become difficult like this one. Yours, if you chose to place, may not have any problems especially if you and the family you choose are open and honest with each other and know where the boundaries are between the two of you.)

You obviously have a lot of contempt for adoption and adoptive parents. why would you consider placing your child in a situation you consider so terrible?

I think that you should be honest with the birth mother and tell her that your personal business is yours and her only involvment is with the child, and let her know that it is causing problems. I am a birthmother of a closed adoption, and I would respect you more if you just told me the truth. I would also talk to the adoptiion agency about your problem, maybe they could help. I hope all goes well for you, tiffany

May be this birthmother is just concerned about her child. Just because she gave her kid up doesn't mean she doesn't care. What does dh stand for? How personal are person matters? Hey, who knows, may be she was just trying to make conversation. My daughter is almost 2 years old now. I gave her up for anopen adoption. I'm never quite sure what to say to her adoptive parents. I don't tell them all the STUPID things I see them doing. I really do wish there were a way I could offer them advice without being afraid they will keep my daughter from me or something. They need it, badly. If I'd known what kind of parents they would have been, I would have choosen some one else, or done it myself. They were supposed to have classes and all to help them out but they act like they know nothing about raising a child! I'm not saying you have such problems. I'm sure you are doing just fine. I had a point there. Oh, yes. Perhaps you just need to look at why she is doing what she is doing. Making small talk? Concerned about how her daughter is being raised? May be she just doesn't realise she seems to have over stepped (what you want to be) the line.

undejulie, Why don't you mosey on over to the Unplanned Pregnancy/Birthmother forums and leave these people alone. You've been out here all day in other people's business just bashing them for no apparent reason. What do you do, jump from one subject to the other just to get your two cents worth in. You are the reason bmoms get a bad rap. You are sick. You most certainly should consider adoption; for you don't have enough sense to raise a child. Furthermore, your attitude is going to cause you a closed adoption. slcone:mad:

I'm not an a parent, I'm the mother of a soon to be bmom. Face the facts, I'm not the only one that has told you today to stay out of people's business. You need Anger Management classes. You are filled with a lot of anger towards people you don't even know. Furthermore, if your aparents are so great, then I applaud you, but leave these other folks alone. You have no business out here speaking to them in the manner you do. Their here to find comfort, not to listen to your negative opinions. Yes, you are right, I'm out here, too but for other reasons. Then I read your crap and it makes me sick to my stomach. GROW UP! slcone

My point exactly. If you want to continue the nasty attitude, why don't you take it offline. In the meantime, I have reported you.

This thread started out with someone asking for some advice and turned into a really ugly shouting match. B-moms and adoptive mothers, in the case of infant adoptions both need each other. there are different kinds of adoptions because there are different kinds of people. Arguing over who loves a child more isn't really helpful. People should be able to ask questions without being slammed. There are also ways to respectfully disagree. I have to admit, I've been pretty angry about some of the things I've read here today. There's this really great button called ignore that wil allow people to ignore someones posts if people find them non productive. All this bickering is not helping the original poster or encouraging people to support each other. That's my sermon for the day.

I think maybe its more the way people express their opinions then what they actually say. I know I occasionally come off in a judgemental manner that offends people. when I feel passionately about something, I sometimes approach it in too strong a manner. I think that's what bothers people about opinions.

Don't take away her visitation rights... I mean, she may be driving you absolutely insane and at times making you very angry... but by changing the agreement you would just be breaking her heart. She obviously loves this child VERY much, and she chose to place this child to do what was right for it and she wants to make sure that you do right by it. You should have a talk with her (or write her a letter if you have a temper like mine)- don't make ultimatiums or anything.... No one should use a baby as a bargaining tool- not her and not you two. (actually no one should use a human being as a bargaining tool) and explain what is bothering you in the most sensative way and come up with some compromises. (sorry for the impersonal "it" but after reading this chain I don't remember if you said it was a boy or a girl... and currently about to become a bmom I don't know how to state ownership of the child... I don't like to call the baby inside of me "mine" because I am giving him up for adoption and I can't say that he's their's because he's still in my tummy... so confused... I know that once he goes home with them he's "their's" but for now... so confused) Take it easy on underjulie, yall... I haven't placed yet either... but it's scary... when you look at the bmom/ unplanned pregnancy area there are a lot of horror stories about aparents making promises and then once they get the child and realize this or that then they pull out ofthe promises they made... so we all head over to the aparent area wanting to hear something *anything* happy about the adoption process and you do hear a lot of complaints and insults towards bmoms (but I didn't really see any on this thread) and you do get defensive and you start to feel like you are in a lose-lose situation. But the facts are- no one group has more "goodness" in them, we're all special because we have to go through things that no one else has to and a lot of what is on here is negative because we usually come here when we're upset about something, to vent, want advice or because we're *extreamly* happy bursting at the seems to telleveryone in the world... and if you're upset, or need to vent or need advice- those are usually not happy places to be coming from. underjulie might be very angry at me for saying this (although she sounds angry at eveyone... which is actually one of kubler ross's stages of grief) but she sounds very young. I think that adoption is a scary process at any age... I'm 20 and I am terrified at what is going on in my life... there are so many what ifs and that game is so hard to stop playing... if I were younger... I think I would be even more afraid. I don't think she has realizes that she is scared, or that a lot of what you read on here is written emotionally charged... it takes a while. slcone... your daughter is very lucky... I wish so feverently that my Mom was with me... I haven't even been able to tell her. She would disown me- disown me for being pregnant and unmarried and for placing her first grandson... You being here in general gives me such hope... Lynnreturns... good point also... Whenever I talk to the aparents of the baby in my tummy I have NO IDEA what to say. I am so lost- and they don't even have the baby yet! It's such a personal gift to give and then... where are the boundaries? I mean... the adoption I chose was semi open... so I'm not even supposed to know their last name! So that's off limits.... what's within limits- what do I talk to them about? It's also really not an everyday situation- so it's not like you can ask for advice from your best girlfriend... it's really not like what to wear on your first date with so-n-so... Anyways, thanks for listening to me ramble... maybe I even said something worthwhile, eh? eh? (always wished I was from Canada) Jen p.s. what does dh mean? that was a good question... jeni the future bmom lost in space. p.p.s. almost done... hit 9 months this last Saturday! I love this baby inside of me but... I do miss some of the aspects of my non pregnant body... I miss not having to pee this much (I always peed a lot but since the baby dropped... dude... I've had to pee through out most of the writing of this thread!) (and I went to the bthroom rigt before I got here) I miss getting a full nights sleep (when the aparents take the baby home then they start missing sleep... kinda funny when you think about it) I miss laying on my back and on my tummy... I used to sleep on my tummy... I miss not having insane heartburn. I miss dancing. I miss going to the gym. I want to have a beer- or some sort of alcoholic drink and I want to smoke a ciggerette. (wasn't into that previously so much but not being able to for so long... now I just want to have one of each... *sigh*) I miss clothes shopping... I want to wear that shirt I bought just before I started to show (I got to wear it once and then ka-boom!) sorry... I know I will be depressed for a while.... a long while... but it would be nice to feel comfy in my own skin again.

I have posted the following post on another board of this forum: I have posted on a few of the sites listed here. I also post (like a lot of you) on other sites too. In the year that I have chosen to practically 'post daily'......I have learned that some persons find it 'entertaining' to post situations and comments.....just to 'see what will happen'. Sometimes these types of posts have conflicting information from board to board too....... I'm sure there are few people who would do such a thing......but, indeed, I have read where this does exist.......... Hope this helps......... Additionally, my best to the original poster of this thread.....