Is validation from birthparents important to you?

You wrote: "If you want to thank them for visits go for it but don't think that they probably give two hoots about your opinion of them." How hurtful is that? Telling a birthmother that in her hopes of offering validation to her bchild's parents - they probably don't give two hoots?? wow. "gratitude towards two people who got naked and then spent the next 14 months doing their best to screw up a child?" While you're talking about your child's bparents ... that's a major throat cut. It implies a sarcastic underlying. After all .. how do you think all of us got pregnant? Fully clothed? ouch. And I beg to differ. YOu most certainly are bitter and angry - at the birthparents of your bouncing daughter .. and man it's coming through like a hurricane in Alabama on a mid- August night. Not sugar-coating onces opinion is one thing in itself ... but telling a wonderfully exceptional birthmother whose THOUGHTFUL enough to want to encourage and validate the adoptive parents of her birthchild that they 'don't give two hoots" is way over the line. No one implied that YOU needed validation from the birthparents of your child - she just wanted to know if others thought that it would be something productive to do. I think that says a lot about her as a birthmother. As for myself - I'd rather confront my birthsons adoptive parents on why they got on a plane and never looked back .. but then again .... I'd better get DRESSED first. courtney

Just another take on this whole "discussion" (and I use the phrase loosely) THEONLYMOM and EMMASPOP ... I too know the pain of having your children abused/hurt/damaged by birth parents. Our boys were abused by their firstmom and first father (and I use those phrases because they did in fact parent the children each for several months). I can totally UNDERSTAND the initial reaction to be angry at that abuse ... to be furious that someone could harm so obviously a perfect and innocent child, all in the name of love or parenting. I too have sat down and cried as I read the reports and looked at the pictures of my beautiful sons covered in burns and bruises. So I understand the motivation behind your feelings and words. Saying that however ... I had to move past those emotions because it got me, nor my kids, nowhere. When I accepted that their birthmom did THE BEST SHE COULD GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES (even though her choices were incredibly poor) and that possibly I (although I would like to think not) might of reacted in the same way, given the same life experiences and same lack of support she received ... I was able to forgive her. I choose (and love is a choice!) to LOVE her. I LOVE her because she is a part of who my sons are. Yes, they are being given every opportunity in the world that their birth family couldnt/wouldnt give them YES they will have totally different skills and life adventures and grow up to be totally differnt "types" of people than their birth family HOWEVER ... my sons beautiful brown eyes ... you know what they come from his birthmom ... my other sons perky personality - TOTALLY his birth mom ... The parts of my kids that I love are also in their birthmom and those are the parts of her that I love too. Would I change her choices if I could? YOU BET!!! Would I hope she chooses a different life path? YOU BET!!! Do I wish my kids didnt have to endure such AWFUL awful stuff just so that I could be blessed to be their mom -- FOR SURE!!! Remember, your children's birthparents have paid the absolute highest price for the abuse they committed - they lost their kids. I dont know about you both but I know for sure that I would rather be tortured and murdered than lose my kids involuntarily. Sometimes we adoptive parents forget that we are on the EASY side of the triad. We get all the benefits - I get to tuck in my sons everynight ... their birthmom is a women they know only through pictures and infrequent letters. I am their mommy, the woman they run to for bandaids ... their first mom is teh woman they have bad dreams about. A little forgiveness, sympathy and understanding go a very long way. I dont ever want my kids to think that I judged their birth mom more harshly than I judged myself. Letters, visits and phone calls are a very small cost when compared with the absolute blessing of being a parenting-parent. I hope my comments havent offended anyone -- They are referencing birthparents who abuse/neglect and lose their children involuntarily. On the comment about non-visiting birthparents being strangers. Although my opinion may be controversial I thought I would add it ... I agree that to small children and even adolescents birthparents who arent frequent visitors are strangers to them. That doesnt mean that the children are strangers to the parents just that the children dont have the cognitive ability to understand the complex relationships that they hold with birth parents. I think that the "cosmic" connection that some adoptees and birthparents feel upon meeting or reuniting in adulthood CAN and DOES exist ... but that is based a an ability to comprehend emotional issues as they relate to interactions. In the cases of abuse or neglect I beleive that the bond can be altered/damaged to the point of non-reversal -- but that is an awful loss for the child and should be agknowledged! Thanks for reading ... blast me if you think I am out in left field okay?

Thank you so much Jensboys for that amazing, insightful, and endearingly honest post! Although I could never and would never even imagine the pain and heartbreak of nurturing a child back from abuse and neglect, I have watched it first hand. As the big sister to an adopted little brother who was taken from his birthmother by the state .... drug addicted, neglected, and only knowing a few spanish words ... my stepmother spent the first year 100% committed to simply helping him feel safe. Still, two years later, he struggles with speech impetetaments, nightmares, and cannot help having extreme temper tantrums triggered by seemingly nothing. As a birthmother ... I watched in horror at what he had to go through. But I also had the opportunity to watch my stepmother as she went through it ... and the love that she had for him, the adoration, the sacrifices she made and the respect I gained for her for never once giving in to hate towards his birthmother. (Not to say she didn't cry and get upset!) I asked about his birthmother one day ... she pulled out a picture for me to see and told me the story ... I won't go into it here, but I will say that our actions are always environment induced .... emmaspop is grateful for the environment he produces ... but some parents did not or were not able to provide that and the result of that is traumatic. I so appreciate your being honest ... and I just wanted to tell you how wonderful it is to hear that there are parents out there who know what matters most. We all make sacrifices. But we can't forget who we made them for. Again, thank you. Courtney

You wrote, "That would have made it less pointed. I only intended to let the o.p. know that some aparents don't really care what the bios think of the situation. " I can't deny that some aparents don't care about the birthmothers of their children. Some don't. (Obviously) But that's not the point. Triad's that DO have open adoptions are, or at least should be, committed to ensuring that their relationship is one of compassion, commitment, and communication. An open adoption relationship grows and changes with time. In order to ensure that all parties are confident in their roles and feel respected, it's important to SHARE feelings. The bmom just wanted to do that. To make sure that the adoptive parents knew what it meant to her that they were such great parents! To encourage them, to provide them with the sanctity of knowing that she was grateful for their parenting, for their love. There's something wrong with this how? You simply stated that they probably don't give a hoot. That's productive how? YOU may not give a hoot but believe it or not there really are aparents out there with the ability to see beyond certain things to the greater, long term, outcome. Do I want to be told that my childs parents are grateful? No. Do they care how I feel? Heck no. But that doesn't mean that that's a universal truth, just because it's my situation. Do I want my sons parents to respect me so that my son doesn't grow up with false-impressions of me? Yes. Do I want them to honor my decision which was made in order to provide him with the absolute best opportunities? Yes. And that means ... being at peace with who I am and who they are and how we all came to be joined in this situation. Not resenting one another, not harboring ill will against one another. Children, as I'm sure you know as you're a father, pick up on emotions. So do I care if they tell me they're grateful? No .. but I sure as heck hope that they act like it as they raise their son. And you're comment about my being an adoption expert so I must already know all of this? Ouch. You really go at the jugular don't you? Courtney

Onlymum, first I want to say I NEVER gave up my child. And I NEVER felt during any moment of my pregnancy that I didn't want my child. I wanted to keep so badly that I would have sold my soul. But the PLACEMENT was for her benefit. I feel for what your child was subjected to. I was abused in my very young years by my father. But I doubt what your son experienced is enough for you to pass judgement on everyone else who PLACES. You don't have to love her or even like her. But you should show some respect for the fact she didn't abort your child. Things may be painful for you, but they are even more painful for her. You should be hoping that she does rise above her past instead of labeling her for life. I am defending her poorly made choices. But you seem very closed minded here, and that may damage your child more than she can now. I hope you let him form his own opinion of her. Tell him the truth but leave your feelings out of it. We love our children, if we truly didn't want them we would have aborted them. Think about it, I expect to get blasted for this so go right ahead. Allison

I don't think that political correctness is what we are striving for. However, compassion, understanding and respect are a given. There is a HUGE difference between sugar coating opinions and finding a tactful way to state your thoughts. In a perfect world pregant women would receive proper prenatal care from day one and discontinue using drugs and alcohol. In a perfect world people wouldn't feel the need to put others down in order to justify their behavior. In a perfect world every one would wait to have sexual relationships until they were married and had a college education and a good paying job. In this world there would be an awful lot of people who wouldn't have families because there would be no birthparents. lisa

holy macaronis!!!!!!!!! firstly bmlisa - your post seems to have gotten lost in all this negativity and I, as a fellow birthmother, would like to apologize for that! you came here for "advice" and somehow it got turned into one womans forum to express her anger (oh emma you are a very very angry woman indeed sorry) and that just wasn't right. sooooooooo to YOU bmLisa- I just wrote an article on this and it is being published in Adoptive Families Magazine (so I must had said something right huh? lol) Listen - it doesn't matter if the aparents WANT validation. It the validation within yourself that matters. Ask yourself - "Do I want my birthchild to know how much I love him?" If your adoption experience is an open one and letters ARE welcomed then by all means the aparents will appreciate anything you have to say. It doesn't matter what you say or how you say it - just as long as it comes from your heart. What seems so simple to you in the long run will mean the world to your birthchild. my birthdaughters aparents send me 4-5 pages each time they write (from EACH parent too not together). my letters back to them (after rewriting them 3 or 4 times) is usually 1 - 2 pages. You are where I was - "They give so much to my birthchild - how can I give that much back in mere words?" it is good to start out simple... tell them how YOU are... what you are doing with your life then lead into how you feel about them. it is OK to tell them thank you for giving your birthchild everything you knew you couldn't at the time of the relinquinshment. it is OK to say how much you appreciate them - it is OK to say you see the happiness they are instilling in your birthchild. it is OK to say whatever you want hon! just let the words flow through that pen straight from your heart and you won't go wrong - promise. now in response to emma - i don't and never needed validation from my birthchildren's aparents - because i made my decision based on my birthchildren's needs and knew that i couldn't give them all that i wanted. the people who raise my birthchildren are giving them everything i couldn't and more. i am so sorry that your experience was so bad and that you don't care about the bparents - but that kind of negativity is just as bad in the long run for your achild as it would have been to let the "system" take over. when your child comes to you later in life and says "who were my birthparents" are you gonna say "they were s**t you don't wanna know". you need to realize that those 2 people are human - and though there choices and decisions were bad ones the outcome was that child you are raising now. you say you are thankful for your child - well you don't show it by bashing the hell out of the bparents.... let go.... forgive..... get beyond the past.... or your child will suffer in long run.

I understand they are unhealthy, I am also not saying to sugar coat things, none of us are. I hope you don't refer to them as bhosts or donors to your daughter. A host carries something that is not genetically theirs. And your daughter's FIRSTmother didn't carry her especially for you, so she is not a donor. She is a BIRTHMOTHER, and your brother is her BIRTHFATHER. The title is the same no matter how involved, or the kind of people they are. (not everyone agrees with that) I want to be understanding of you, but you make it hard. Allison

Yes, I did emmaspop, what's your point? From another you post you did on another thread is sounds like your child's BIRTHPARENTS were somewhat voluntary as well in handing over the child. Even if someone has their child taken by the state doesn't mean they don't have some hurt over losing the child. And you shouldn't judge your child's bmom when she does visit and bring a camera. It's not for proving she had a child, it's because yes even in her unheathly state she misses the child. So why be so judgemental, if it weren't for her you wouldn't have your precious daughter. Allison

Your question about pictures sounds condescending. Why are you so bitter? No, you don't have to win a "prize" we put them there ourselves. You just have to be somewhat computer savvy. Allison

Just so everyone knows .. Lisa - would you please copy and save your post in wordpad and re-post it in my forum, where you're less likely to get this kind of crap? Also - I'm Reporting emmaspop and theonlymum. Dumber than most? A donor/host? Got naked? Don't give two hoots? Then get off the board. Alli, Deb, Lisa, Skye, and Sharon ... your posts are great - but none of us remotely deserve this nor should we be wasting our time with it. HOpe I don't piss you guys off. :) COurt

The ONLY mum...uhmmmm...... Hi there! :-) I am a reunited birthmother=firstmother and mother of 2 raised gorgeous children!! You say u r the onlymum!?? Why is your screen name that one? Why did u choose it? I do hope u realize that u are not the only mum to the child you adopted. Genetically speaking, take away the signature on the apapers, we are also another mother figure to OUR child whom we loved so dearly and still do enough to go thru the pain of wanting them to have a better life than what we were prepared to give them at the time of reqlinshment. We share OUR child...did u know that? Oh yes, we do! One day, hopefully you will realize it so when the first mom comes knocking, seeking peace and love from the family who raised her child will be honoured and considered a respectful person who basically cared enough not to abort but to give you a child because you couldn't conceive on your own. I recommend you read Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, she describes the primal connection the child has with her biological mother. Doesn't matter what you say, your screen name says it all. As for only having one fellow...well good for you girl...who cares tho?! As for the bouncing baby girl dad....uhmmmm....you should also read up!!! It'll help your perspective alot! Make you less bitter that u couldn't bear your OWN child. Your comment about some birthmoms' being stupid more than others is so imature!!! I can't believe your wrote that. There are alot of people on this planet that have issues, problems to sort out...our life is our path to figure it all out. I hope one day, sorrow doesn't come to you, I doubt u could handle it! ~felix~

Court, Not offended at all, If my posts get deleted after you report them that is ok. As you can see I was upset by their posts, but I did really hold back. LOL Allison

To reuse an over used cliche~ these posts are like the scene of a bad accident - can't help but watch even though they make us sick to our stomachs! I actually posted this thread a very long time ago on more than one forum. I got many good reponses from lots of wonderful supportive people. I already had my mind made up and the negetivity that came later didn't bother me at all. It just made me even more thankful for my situation. lisa

I suppose you can continue to post, perhaps the pain and backlash is what you use to amuse yourself. I have dear friends who are a-parents, and you are a disgrace. Your daughter got away from a bad situstion, just to land in another bad situation. There are many kinds of abuse. I personally hate your kind, the passive/aggresive kind that you will continue to INSIST isn't happening. And when it shows up in your daughter, you will then INSIST it is from her earlier abuse by her b-parents. I doubt you will ever take the time to truly learn what good parenting is about. You are the same people who have messed with the minds of so many of us adult adoptees, with no thought but your own ego. Being cruel as a person makes you a bad parent. You can't seperate your behavior in the world from your parenting. You are what you do. please, for your daughters sake, try to be better people! Debi