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These past few yrs. since my birthdaughter turned thirteen I've been very emotionaly distressed. It's like I suddenly woke up and realized-Wow! She's
a teenager now, in five yrs. (now three yrs. ) we can legally search for each other! In three yrs. she's an "adult", well almost.
All this time she's been a little girl, a bigger girl, I haven't even looked for her
birthfather, even thought she would even want to know who he was. So all the sudden I find myself frantic about searching out who her birthfather was
so I would have something/some information about him. But my husband doesn't want me to search for him, he says he doesn't want me to get wrapped up in that, or distracted.
I tried looking for her birthfather, but my husband made me stop. He asked me not to look for him to begin with, that *if* he needed to be found I could do it later, after my birthdaughter contacted me. But I didn't listen to him, and I had to have it my way.
So I started searching for her birthfather, so I would have some info. to give her about him when we make contact. Soon I was getting more and more
upset and emotionaly distressed to the point that I was living in the past, I couldn't function in today, and acting crazy and just plain getting myself depressed over my failures/failed relationships of the past. I also became
enfatuated with this man, her birthfather who didn't care about me when I then, this man I didn't even know, and who didn't even care enough about me to wait until I'm at least half sober to ask me out. What did I expect him to do for me now? after fifteen yrs.? ....But this was for her, my birthdaughter whom he probably wouldn't even admit was his.
Well, we had a humdinger of a fight the other day and like I said I've been sort of out-of-it since I started searching
for her birthfather, and because of the isolation, but was getting better. But he has lost all patience with me. He doesn't understand that I'm human and I need
a social life, that it's hard being an isolationist in a travel trailer with four kids, trying to homeschool. Add that to the fact that I'm 2,000 miles from home living in WA state (but I'm from Texas) and all my relatives are from Texas.
He called the police on me over our last fight. The policemen didn't even want to talk to me. I guess because my husband called, but you know they don't want to arrest another man anymore over a domestic case. I think the fight was both of our faults, but maybe if I would have listened to him and not try to look up her birthfather, all this wouldn't have happened.
They took me to jail, I went to court, and they told me to plead
innocent because this was my first offence and the attorney said, "Look, I've been doing this for a long time. " I wanted to plead guilty because I thought I would have no chance. The attorney and judge would neither let me plead guilty, but
insisted I plead innocent. I have another court date in about two weeks. This is the final one. There will be a jury.
I'm just so nervous. I feel so mistreated, so betrayed, so hated. I feel like I'm going to lose all my children all over again.
I have been living in this travel trailer for two years with two rowdy boys, two girls, homeschooling, not allowed to see family or have any friends, not allowed to even have a church.
I'm writing here because I really need some support right now as I prepare for the case.
In the meantime, I recently started attending a church and they helped us get a house. We can finaly park this travel trailer again be a real family (or can we?). But I still have the court date looming over me. If I get prosecuted I have to
spend a year in jail. I don't think I deserve this! I feel like I've been in jail already for two-three yrs. , isolated from friends, family, church.
What do you think? I need some advice.
** Texas
:confused:
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wow - that sounds inssescantly difficult. My suggestion is that once you have dealt with the leagl issues, LEAVE HIM. He isnot treating you with respect or love (it sounds like). You do not want this as an example for your children to grow up and reproduce.
In the meanwhile I suggest you call nay and every womans shelter and hotline for help on how to do this. They could probably help you legally with your current situation as well as helping you get away from this man who seems to be isolating you.
And remember that we, the adoption forums, are always here for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world
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Well, hello to all. It seems this turned out to be a pretty popular message to say the least. I didn't write it for that reason, though.
Anyway, to all who are wondering, I'm doing fine. My husband and I are working things out O.K., but I can't leave him yet because I have to stay in WA state and attend anger management classes for at least six months. I'm allowed to live (with him and the children) during this time as long as I abide by the "no violent contact" order provided by the court.
This means I can't hardly raise my voice above a whisper or show any anger whatsoever, or he threatens to call the police. The case will be dismissed after 18 months of continued "no violence"
which includes not being emotional or angry during that time or expressing one's anger. I don't know if I can leave after 6 mos., or if I have to wait until the full 18 mos. is up. The counseling sessions are for "at least six months".
We're living in the trailer again (the church and house situation did not work out). I don't know if I can handle the trailer again for
another six or more months. But I have to stay there that long because of the anger management counseling and the court order.
I'm not sapposed to be on this website because he (my husband)
has asked me to stay off all birthmother/adoption related websites. But I received an e-mail about private messages etc...
Sometimes when I phocus too much on my birthdaughter/the adoption and/or read other birthmother stories I get angry. Our last fight happened right after I spent a couple of hours on this and related bmother sights. So I have to stay off or ask him from now on.
Thanx to all,
BM Texas
I hope that this does not sound redundant. But you really really need to get out of the situation that you are in.
No one should put his/her hands on you, try to make you feel less than human and try to run your life. YOu have a right to a social life and happiness.
You are in my prayers.
Six months have come and gone since the court order. I still have one year to fulfill my court obligations of anger management counseling. After that *my case will be dismissed*. If I leave any time before the total 18 months is up
since my first court date, I could face jail time and/or have my children taken away or found guilty. If I take my kids and disapear there will be an investigation and I will be found and have to go to jail for breaking the court agreement. So he sort of has me in a pickle for now. We were planning on moving back to Texas this fall, but all that is ruined since the arrest.
I've just had another baby too. Just this past Aug. 22. How I would love to just disappear one day without a trace and start my life over, or find myself-whoever I was twelve yrs. ago. But five children and eleven yrs. of marriage does something to change a person.
It's not just him that has abused. It's me too. I guess he has a right to be
mad at me, since I haven't always been what I should be. Well, I've rarely been what I've should be, but I'm working on that.
What I've learned through this whole arrest situation is that I have to control
my anger too. I can't just do and say whatever I want and expect the man
to always be in control over his emotions. If it were all his fault and he was just purposely trying to be cruel, I think I would leave. But I'm the type who
fights back. I have to control myself too. We've both been wrong, only I'm the one who got caught.
Rhonda
I cannot add more to what previous strings have mentioned insofar as removing yourself from the source of emtional and physical abuse. As a male, a spouse, a father and an adoptee searching for his own heritage I would hasten to add additional food for thought:
1. You are not chopped liver - since no compromise seems available and the only course of action seems to be additional suffering and abuse at the hands of a tyrant - to surrender on this point (being treated as both an equal and a human being) would be a significant and pointless sacrifice on your part.
2. If you did give in, the offender would only be emboldened the next time you disagreed on principle or a course action, except this time he knows precisely how far he can go to push his point.
3. Anyone else telling to to make things right and let go of your deepest emotional longings is not living your life, walking in your shoes and certainly not the one who is living with, waking up next to, being hauled of to jail by and betrayed by the individual you are experiencing. There frame of reference is not equal.
4. Assuming for a moment that your wish comes true and you find and reunite with your missing loved one, she is at an impressionable age. What example, what message and what image do you want her to see, feel and believe is the right thing to do? Certainly her adoptive parents can provide this, but it is still not the same.
Even having made a rational arguement, I am fully aware that acting on what is rational and what is emotional sometimes becomes a very heavy burden. Until frankenstein settles down and acts like someone who is approachable and willing to appreciate and accomodate your deepest concerns and feelings, I would think that he has some work ahead of him. When rationality and productive diaglogue fade away, it is time to withdraw until two "warring" parties can be brought together again.
I hope you find you daughter and peace.
john
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I know your posts were done quite some time ago. I am new to using the posts, but registered myself on the site a couple of years ago to locate my son and daughter. I too was in an abusive relationship for 7 yrs and got out of it in 1997. Please if you are still in that relationship and things are still the same you HAVE to get out. Not just for your safety but your children as well. No matter what you do or have done you do NOT deserve to be abused in any form (physical,emotional, verbal or sexually)!! When he leaves for work or wherever he goes, then you need to leave then. Also if you ever get into an arguement w/ him then you MUST be the 1st to call 911!! Otherwise you will be the one they take. Noone has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do!! If you are still in WA please contact the # I am posting for you. It is for DAWN - Domestic Abuse Women's Network. There are locations all over WA as well as in other states. 866-286-DAWN (3296) They are an excellent organization to work with and they are part of the United Way which I work next door to. I work for the Boys & Girls Clubs of SPS. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE RUN, DON'T WALK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!.
Just an update: The man that I was married to then put me in the mental hospital as soon as we parked that travel trailer in the driveway of our new house. The neighbors told me he was having affairs while we were still in the travel trailer. I did NOT get a trial by jury but was forced to accept a plea bargain or be found guilty at the hearing. We finaly moved back to Texas, found a house and almost as soon as we got moved in he started wanting a divorce. I had a mental breakdown twice and on the second occation he sent me divorce papers while I was still in the mental hospital and packed up all my belongings and put them in my mother's house. I am not allowed to be alone with my children since the day of my divorce. They made me out to be an unfit mother or crazy in court. I am just soooo angry about this. I can't even take my children to Mc Donald's. I can not be alone with them period!
I have reunited with my birthdaughter but not in person. We are talking on facebook now, but not as friends.
Rhonda
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JORDANMODE
I know leaving seems hard .. but staying will (if it is not already) become harder ... I have been in the abusive isolated relationship ... was hit in the head repeatedly (cause you can't see the bruises there) when I finally left I had lost many things but the most important and most "felt" loss was that of "self" I had lost me .. and had no idea where to find me ....... the isolation the removal of any outlet .. the control ......... the physical nature GET OUT ....... and do not look back ... plan ahead though ... ask your church or better yet have them refer a church in another state ... go to a shelter ..... are the kids his ?? whats that situation ... also realize this he probably will not leave you alone until he finds someone else to take your place or until he is in jail .. do not go back to him if you leave no matter how hard it is ......... trust me ......... been there done that .. if you need me email me directly at jordanmode@aol.com .......... ill keep you close in prayer :)
They belittled the abuse and said it wasn't really abuse because no one was dead yet. They had a woman in their church kill her husband (after he shot her the first time) and they were comparing my situation to their and came to the conclusion that it wasn't domestic violence because no one was dead yet!!!! That's as far as the church wanted to go with this. To hell with them churches!!!!
Rhonda:rolleyes:
Did he hit you, because I never heard you mention that. But everyone talks about him hitting you. I must of missed something. Anyways I glad you got away from him. If he's abusive or your in a bad marrige.I hope you can get more time with your kids.The sad thing about abusive men, they know how to make you look crazy, while they look good. If you can make sure you go to school or get a job, incase he screws up.You need to make your self strong for your kids.
HI "Crazy Woman"
He has hit me multiple times. We actualy got into a fist fight once. He would sometimes provoke me like cornering me in the bedroom and yell until I was death saying "hit me, hit me, hit me" and would not move until I did. Then he would punch me and I would punch him back. The last time he did this to me he didn't punch me when I slapped him only so he could tell the police I hit him. I did have a bruise on my arm, though that the police saw at jail. I had to go to anger management classes for about six months when he would make me angry this way. And this was the way our whole marriage was. It lasted for 14 horrible years....this hateful painful sickening abuse. Then after I had our last baby he filed for divorce. But really, even though I lost the children I am glad I am not this man's wife anymore. I am so glad it is over and I still have much to look forward to. I wonder because I missed the day of the trial that determined if I were sane enough to take care of the children if there is any group out there that can help me get more rights with my children. The divorce was final 5 years ago and I am remarried to a wonderful man now, but I would just like the opportunity to teach my girls how to cook, sew, I still would like to tuck them in at night. I miss being their Mommy and reading the Bible and other books to them. He took all that away from me and just used me to have his children. I suspect that's all he ever wanted.
Rhonda
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This whole thing ended in divorce. As soon as we finaly got back to Texas and finaly bought a house he put me in the mental hospital after I went through a nervous breakdown. I have been in and out of hospitals 4 times now. He filed for divorce and I received my divorce papers during the 2nd hospitalization. He has sole custody of the children and I am only allowed supervised visistation. I have to stay on medication. I am remarried now to a wonderful man but I can only see my children with supervised visitation about once every 3 months. We live on seperate sides of Texas (children in W. Texas and I in E. Texas). But it's not over. I'm going to seek an atorney for help .
I've gone through beauty school and will be taking my 1st state board test tomorrow, actualy. My new husband has built us a small house on about 2 acres. We have a little dog called little guy.
I have talked to birthdaughter on the phone and on facebook and through letters. She does not want a meeting at this time. I miss all my children very much and am hopeful that the Lord will bring us together again.
R.