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I was hoping to get some of your opinions. Our church is a very big United Methodist church. It is fairly diverse, but the majority race is cauc. Much of the diversity is because of adoption. But we do have families of other races there.
Anyway, they called me today and asked if they could have an older child hold the 5 mo. baby who is AA for a Christmas lesson. They are doing a thing for the kids about what Jesus looks like to children in other parts of the world. Now, he is not the only AA child in the church. But we are probably more involved than any other AA or transracial families in the church. So, I explained to the person that if the baby was going to be on the stage that our 3 year old would want to be there with his brother. And she said, "but he isn't black is he?" I said "no, but he is very bonded with his brother and is going to want to be with him" She said that we could have an older child hold him, but the 3 year old couldn't be a part. they are going to have a little girl who is Asian and was adopted recently, a girl who is a teen and is Indian, and she said they were also going to have a Caucasian child. (note, the older kids holding the babies will be white and there will be another child representing white children). So I said I would have to talk to my husband before I said yes or no.
To be honest I was a little upset that they wanted him because he was black. I was also am worried that the 3 year old will be upset that the baby is being singled out. I know for a fact that the 3 year old will be jealous. But of course when they grow up they will be doing things differently. So there will be times of jealousy. And I am worried that our older son will see the baby as being different. Right now, as far as our 3 year old is concerned there is nothing different about our family. Not that I think it is bad for him to see that. But at 3 I want him to believe that Black and White are as everyday as blue and green. (I hope I am making sense). He understands different races and cultures to the best of his ability. But we don't want him to think that his brother doesn't fit in our family just as much as he does. Its just that in everything we do people point out that the baby is different. We get questions like "who's baby is he" and personal questions about his adoption. I love my son, and I am proud of him and that we adopted him. It's just that sometimes I wish people didn't always stare and look at us twice, wisper after we have pasted. I just don't want to encourage that. Especially at our church, where we have felt we were accepted and never felt singled out.
So what do you guys think? Am I being over sensitive? What should I do?
A.
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Well......
I think I would want to know what the 'lesson' was more about. I think I'd have a problem with the lesson if it is simply to show 'what other children think Jesus looked like'. I've heard about this type of thing in other churches, in that, it's like
'well, the people of that country see Jesus as the same race as them.......and therefore Jesus appears so many different ways'
If this is what the lesson is about,.....this is the first problem I'd have. We don't portray Abraham Lincoln as being many different colors; we don't portray Martin Luther King as being different colors in different countries.......so why is it acceptable that Jesus.....a person who actually lived on this earth------be portrayed as different colors???????
I've never, ever understood this?!?!?!
Okay.......I'll put the soapbox away.
As far as allowing your three year old to be up there........I wouldn't. If your three year old is 'jealous'......this is something the child will have to deal with anyway. I think I'd be more concerned that I might feel that the baby was being 'exploited'?
Only you can answer the last part of my sentence above, as it's more how you feel about your church and what their meaning is; but as far as worrying about a three year old thinking their sib is 'different'.......that's an issue to be discussed whenever it arises.
The issues of people whispering and 'looking twice'...are something that 'goes with the teritory'. Actually, I've ususally considered it a 'compliment to our family'. Rude comments can be addressed on the spot, or 'brushed off' and left to 'considering the source'!
Hope this helps....
Sincerely,
Linny
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Linny,
Thanks so much for your response. I think you are right that I just feel like my son is being "exploited". I don't have a problem so much with one child doing something and the other being left out. At first when I said the 3 year old would want to do it too I thought that they would have lots of kids of different races. But her response to me was so tough for me. She said that she only wanted the baby because he is black. But i think more than anything...something a friend helped me realize is the root of it all. We are having enough challenge just settling in with our new family. We are trying to come closer and closer. Our older son has had a particularly hard time with this. I wouldn't want to have him think that there may be something that sets our newest son appart from the rest of us. I see that this may bring that about. So I think we are going to just decline. I hope they understand why. It is hard explaining the fine details of a Transracial family to someone. But I hope that someone understands.
Stormy:
I read your post below (other board) as well. I am sooo sorry that you are going through all the pressures you are now! And yes, I would feel like the people w/in my church family weren't realizing what we were 'all about'.......or that they weren't being supportive.
I have posted before that our first two children were adopted overseas. They were born in Korea and Japan. I have known for a long time what it is like to have people 'think you are one thing, and have no clue what your family is really about' (I hope you know what I mean). I guess I just sort of 'gave up' somewhere along the way. I know that when we adopted special needs.... three older boys (two separate adoptions)....two of these kids were quite 'caucasian looking'. It was hard for ME to get used to people saying and implying that we had 'exchange students' and gave birth to the caucasian boys!!!!! It was at that point, I think that I started telling people, when they asked, that 'ALL my kids are adopted'. I couldn't stand that idea that because we had caucasian kids, everyone assumed how 'wonderful we were' to have 'taken in children of a different race'. Something about that really gets under my skin!
Now that we have adopted our wee one, we only have two caucasian boys at home....and the wee one is AA. Again, I run across the comments that our baby is 'a foster kid/ward of the state' and 'how wonderful we are'....etc. Nope, I guess I'm just too immature.....but I can't let that one (statements like that) 'go'.
In the past months, I've decided I need to come up with some line/s to say whenever I get comments like this. I'm NOT a quick thinker, so I have to had one (or several) ready to keep in my mental rolodex!
I know I'm rambling...........suffice to say that "I understand ya, kid!"
Most sincerely,
Linny
I figured it out. certainly our children will have times where they are exclusively in the spot light. ANd I want that. I don't want them to feel they have to share everything. But I NEVER want the spotlight to be about their skin. THere, that's it. That's what it is all about. If it were about ethnicity or origin in the world it would have been just as right for my older son to represent England. But that isn't it. It is almost a parade of the diverse children we have in our church. Like they aren't singled out enough.
And you are right. I am tired of people assuming that one of my children is with me and one isn't. Certainly we knew that was the deal going into it. But I just want people to think that my baby is my baby!
We are currently in the process of awaiting to be approved to adopt our little baby boy who is AA while they do a search for two months to find him an AA home. He is special needs because of exposures, and he might have kidney problems. We are thinking they will not find him a home because of the sad fact of so few AA homes. Our daughter whom we adopted as well is white. We get many looks, sometimes stares, but you learn to ignore it, and have an attitude of "get over it," We live in the Pacific Northwest with many different cultures, and we probably dont face as many problems, as most people.
However, as a family we developed a cultural plan for our son. What we needed to accept, and understand is that we will be looked at and talked about by many people. But we will prepare our daughter, son, and other children with words of wisdom, to combat someones harmful words or actions. I am sure people look at my husband and I, and wonder if I cheated on him or something. Our church is at least 1/2 AA and a good number of the members are adoptive families. Our children look at our church as a home and refuge where they are accepted for who we are as a multicultural family. If someone had asked to use my son in a pagent at our church I would not be ashamed of him, nor them using him for his race if it was done in a loving manner, not one to "show off" that they arent predjudice. Our son will know he is different, our three year old already knows he is, but when we follow up comments to her that her skin is so soft and white, and beautiful, and our son's is dark and so beautiful, she has learned to see the difference and appreciate it. I think sometimes, and I know this as a mom, we dont look at our babies as colors or numbers, but sad enough, the world does. To prepare both your children, not just the AA baby, you could start introducing differences to the 3 year old about his brother's beautiful curly hair, or his dark brown eyes, and brown skin. This might make the transition into noticing the differences easier, and allow your 3 yr old to appreciate his little brother for who he is and who all of you are as a family.
If you do not feel that you can support your churches reasoning for wanting your infant son in the play, then say no! The 3 year old can have fun seeing his little brother on stage, as I am sure he will be too someday.
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