Your Open Adoption Advice?

What an excellent and refreshing post. Thanks for sharing your input. I agree, respect is key in an open adoption. A aMom on my online support group said something awesome when refering to hopeful aParents and open adoption: "Don't let your emotions make promises for you." It is easy to promise the world away before the baby is born. But when the baby become a reality - things get tough. You have to remember that it isn't about you ...it isn't about them ...but it is about the child. There were times when I thought it would be easier to back out of the open adoption agreement - but, I remembered that I made a commitment to my daughter. That my sacrifice didn't end the day that I placed her in her new Mother's arms ...but even when things get tough, I push on through - for her. You said: <<Because if you fail to keep your committment one day you will have to look into the eyes of your child and explain why. And there are very few justifiable excuses.>> Amen! I think *some* aParents forget this very important truth - Sure, if you cut the bMom out of your lives, you can avoid her eyes for some time, but the day will come when you will have to face your chid's eyes. And I loved what you said here: <<Even as our kids go through a stage where they would prefer no contact I simply inform them that THEIR contact is their choice but I have made a promise and I will stick with it.>> If there was an award for "statement of the week" here on the forums, you'd get the award! :) Thanks for your input - I'd love to see more of you around the forums. Skye

These are topics I feel very strongly about and Adoption Education is MY PASSION! Acutally I haunt these boards alot ...I am concerned I may be addicted :) Mostly just reading, sometimes posting but I still feel like I know you all! Skye I have read all your articles, as well as Courtney's, and use them extensively. So although you dont know me, I honestly feel like we are old friends :) I can never know or feel your journey but you are so descriptive and open that you have enriched my understanding too of the intimate inner workings of a birth mother's heart. I recommend those articles, no matter how painful to read, to all pre-adoptive mothers. It helps their hearts connect to their brains regarding the adoption of their children. My mom was a birth mother 11 years before I was born. Watching her pain through reunion and the years before and after also greatly contributed to my outlook. So, hopefully I am an open minded, honest adoption advocate. In my own little circle, trying to expel those myths one by one. Has anyone ever suggested that all of us "regulars" in here all get together on day for a face to face chat ... you know like "The Vegas Adoption Forum Extravaganza". It would be fun and probably eye-opening! So Skye, THANK YOU for all you do and how you have opened up your life and life story to public viewing. It has challanged and changed me. Jen

Well thank you for all your kind words! :) Often as a writer, once I send off my work, only the Lord knows who it touches or who reads it ...there are even times when I think I am reaching no one. So, thanks for your comments! Actually, I am getting a collection of my work, plus my adoption story, published - maybe you'd be interested in getting it once it is ready for the public. Sometime next year, maybe by late spring? Well keep on educating! I am glad to hear you are out there spreading the word - and it is so important that our brains are connected to our hearts. "Disconnection" is a dangerous state to be in. Would a get together be awesome! lol, I could just see that now! Who knows ...maybe a few of us will one day. I know I plan on meeting a few ladies some day. I don't know about Vegas though ...lol, I owe enough money! Talk soon! Keep in touch - lifemother@earthlink.net Skye

I'm a B/mom and adoptee and am planning on adpoting my hubby's daughter. My adoption was closed sealed reacord the whole nine and I hate it. I have been searching 6 years and nothing. At 16 I was forced to place my daughter and was pushed in to semi which now I don't regret placing her but I wish it was more open. The agency didn't even give me a choice. I haven't seen a pic of my daughter since she was 6months old now she 6. I don't know if it was the Aparents choice to not have it open but I do hate it. I never wanted to interfere in her life or really be involed. She's thier daughter and they raise her but I would like to know how she is and see pictures of her. And now that I'm adopting my hubby's daughter ofcourse that if completely open with his x. Although she has chosen to move on and doesn't contact us. Which I feel bad for his daughter not his x. It's always the kids that get hurt. I'd rather see alot more open adoptions because I know in my case that if my adoption would have been atleast semi that I could meet my b/mom.

When considering adoption, my advice to someone would be take it slow! Dont let any prosective aparents brag about what they have- money, cars, jobs, etc. Not only does that make you jealous it also makes you feel like you aren't good enough to parent because you dont have all of those wonderful things. I remember the acouples I spoke to when I was considering adoption. The first words out of their mouths were "We have a beautiful home in the country, " or my favorite... "My husband makes enough money to support us all and we can live very comfortable." My daughter's amom didn't once brag about everything she had. She sent me pictures of their house, their family and even their dogs. That showed me that yes, they were a nice family and had a nice home without bragging. Other suggestions would be visiting their home, seeing where your baby will live helped me alot. And my baby's amom even visited ME, which she didnt have to do. And yes, respect is the key. It goes both ways. Honesty. Ask about the aparents childhood and family members, whether or not they are supportive of adoption. Ask about how they feel about open adoption. Is this something they are willing to follow through with? Most of all, trust your heart. If you know in your heart that adoption is the way to go, and you truly feel this is the family for you and your baby.......may you have the strengh Carla First Mom to Natalie

Carla - What great advice! I too was put off by "bragging" - I think you are right, pictures do the talking! I remember one couple had a picture of them eating peanut butter on toast ..with the caption, "The Breakfast of Champions" - that really touched me ..cause it was so real. I too liked being able to visit my daughter's future home. I remember one day Beth and I went to look at wallpaper for the nursery. I know some would not be too comfy doing that, and that's okay, but for me - I was thrilled to be invited along, and asked for my input. You brought up a good topic - asking the hopeful aCouple about their extended families view on open adoption. So often I talk to aMoms who would like a more open adoption, but the extended family isn't too keen on the idea, which is sad. I also know of bMoms who visit their children, but know they aren't welcomed to family functions where their child's extended adoptive family will be ...becaues they haven't accepted the bMom. Great advice - thanks for your feedback! Love ya, Skye

I have a semi-open adoption with my son's family. When I was making the adoption plan I thought that any amount of contact would be too painful and so initially only asked for a letter one time a year. It is so hard to know what you are asking for or making commitments to before your child is actually born. My advice to anyone considering any kind of adoption is to always make sure that there is room for change. If you feel that pictures and letters would be enough, atleast discuss the possibility of meetings, phone calls, whatever so that if your feelings change that there will always be the possibility to change the agreement. If these things are discussed before they happen I think that every one involved will feel more comfortable bringing them up if feelings do change. Nothing will be lost if what is originally agreed upon never changes either. lisa

I LOVE having an open adoption. There are so many things in life that I don't think I could handle if I wasn't able to visit my son. He is the most beautiful child. Today He came to my Brothers Photography studio to get his pics taken. WOW is he cute. I don't think I would have been able to heal the way I did if I had a closed adoption. Everyone is different though. SOme deal with it better if they don't see the child. I think all around it is more healthy to have an open adoption; for the baby and the bmom. I think that the A moms can bennifit a lot from open adoptions as well. THere are so many things about me that the a parents wouldn't know if I didn't get the chance to call and visit. My nephew is adopted and because my sister has such an open adoption with him, we are able to look into his bmoms medical history, not only that but see thier personalities and compare. It's just so much fun! lyra

An open adoption is an awesome choice, but I feel it all depends on who you are, and whether you will be emotionally able to handle it. I for one found very loving, wonderful adoptive parents for my twin girls. I think what also helped is that the mother had been adopted herself. So there was an unspoken understanding. I think what helps an open adoption is a lot of reassurance from both parties. Personally I gave them all the reassurance in the world that I was ok with things emotionally. I also spent a lot of time with them, and they came with me to the hospital for my 4 days a week check-ups. But most of all, we really tried to get to know each other, and become good friends. It has definately paid off. And one other thing, when the children were born, we had a form that we filled out and signed...before the birth...that would allow for me to receive photos and some contact within the first three years. It has been wonderful. I however, choose to visit the adoptive mom once a year. I feel that seeing the children after they were 3 might be confusing to them. But she tells me of there functions, and I go an watch, but don't intrude. I know that I need to give her space to raise them....afterall...I gave them to her. And wonderful parents they are!!!!

I placed my daughter in a very open adoption last summer, and so far, the relationship with her aparents is great. We talked very openly and honestly before I considered us "officially matched" about what we both wanted. I think it's important for both the aparents and the birthparents to understand that a true open adoption involves an on-going relationship between the adoptive and biological families. We both have committments to each other and to our daughter, Emilie. IMO, getting off on the right start is important. My daughter's aparents were extremely respectful of our wishes in terms of how the birth should go, what the hospital plan was, and how things would be handled while they were waiting for the adoption to be finalized. I was able to spend a lot of time with Emilie before the adoption was finalized and even breastfed her. I would recommend that adoptive parents talk to their extended families about open adoption and try to educate them on it. I met the aparents extended family several months after placement, and they'd done a really good job of talking to them about how important they felt my involvement was in Emilie's life. So instead of being greeted by hostile relatives who treated me like an intruder, I was greeted by people who treated me like I was part of the family. That made such a huge difference to me. I think in an ideal open adoption, the birthparents and the adoptive parents are very friendly with each other. I call them to tell them how I'm doing in law school, and they call to tell me what's going on in their lives and how Em is doing. Oh, and I totally agree with the posts about having honesty in the relationship and respecting each other's roles in the child's life. :D

Welcome to the forum Emma - I am the first mom to an Emily too! :) And like you, I also breastfed my daughter too. Great open adoption advice - thanks for sharing! Skye - host

Thank you for the welcome, Skye. I've found that Emily/Emilie is a REALLY common girl's name. LOL. Actually, her aparents picked it. My first name is Emma, and her birthdad's middle name is Lee. So they named her Emilie for us. Her middle name is a name common in the aparents' families. That's so cool that you were able to breastfeed your Emily too. That was probably the hardest thing I did, after signing the adoption papers. What did her aparents think about it? I told Emilie's aparents I was going to breastfeed in the hospital, and they asked if I'd consider continuing it until the adoption was finalized and they returned home. From what I've read on here, it sounds like your adoption is very open. How often do you get to see your daughter? Any problems you've had with the aparents? Or is it all going smoothly? Emilie is so young... things are going really well now, but I worry about how they'll continue as she gets older. Thanks again for the welcome, Emma

I am still not sure how I feel about open adoption. Ihad a demi open adoption but could not handle contact for various reasons. I think one was closure. I needed to let go, it was the hardest thing Ihad to do was to stop contact. Another was to keep my family from ever getting a hold of info. I could not trust my family, as a result all info was through their attourny. I nver even new their last name. 14years later I now wish I could have the strength to keep in touch. Thier attorny is trying to forward a letter from me to them. It has been while plus all those years with no contact. I have no idea if their will be. My advice to both Birthmoms and parents is to take time to decide. Talk on the phone at the very least in the begining. And play it by ear. Open adoption is not for all, but all adoptions should be handl;e as open adoptions so the all the parents involved can decide which is best.

Well, she's most likely just as nervous, scared, and excited as you are! She may be afraid of being rejected by your child. Often for birthmoms ...if a child is shy around them or doesn't want to talk to them or what not ...even though that may be very normal behavior for the child ..the birthmom may be hurt by it. When my daughter was going through her stranger anxiety, even though I knew it was just a phase, and nothing personal ....I kind of stayed away from her during those few months just because I was afraid of her running away from me in front of everyone. She may or may not be thinking that herself - just thought I'd throw that one out there. :) So, things may be a bit weird for the first few moments ..what you need is a good icebreaker or a good laugh. That usually gets everyone more comfy. Prepare a few non-threatening questions to ask her when she gets there - just in case their is an ackward silence. Let us know how it goes! Skye

Hello - Actually, breastfeeding Emily wasn't really hard on me. I had spent months educating myself about breastfeeding, and I knew it was the best for Emily. No one else could offer her colostrum but me. I'm glad I did it. The aParents were very supportive as well, which was great. Yes, my adoption is very open. I see her anywhere from 8-12 times a year. No, I haven't had any problems with the aParents. I mean, they are human and therefore are not perfect - but I love them flaws and all, and know they feel the same for me. They've also kept all their promises to me and Emily. I hope things continue to go well for you! And I love how they chose the name Emilie ...with your name and the birth dad's name - how cool! I chose Emily's name, and her one middle name ..and the aMom chose her other middle name. Take care - Skye