Temperament

hi Nancy: Do you have any suggestions for parenting a stroing willed child through the adolesent years? How can I help our child to not be so forceful? Any ideas? Thank you. I am very open to even hearing the hard stuff.

Hi Tapestry, Being an adolescent means being strong willed ... wanting to be independent (but still needing parents and now liking to admit it!) Here's a list of what adolescents need: 1. Set clear limits, define what is acceptable and what is not. Consequences for behavior should be determined ahead of time and followed through. 2. Discipline should be: reasonable, respectful and related to the behavior. Natural and logical consequences work best. 3. Be a positive role model. 4. Find opportunities for honest communication of thoughts and feelings. Driving in the car at night always seems to work - it's dark, there's no eye contact, and you're both moving in the same direction~ 5. Allow failure and let your adolescent know that learning from mistakes is valuable. 6. Take every opportunity to laugh. 7. Offer opportunities for success in activities and communicating. 8. Be consistent in what the rules are and following through ... and also be flexible and apologize when appropriate. 9. Trust your adolescent and show him/her your commitment. 10. Encourage responsibility. 11. Express your love verbally and with lots of hugs. These are general guidelines ... if you are dealing with specific behaviors that you would like feedback on ... let us know. NancyNic

We are older adoptive parents. We have 4 adopted children. Our oldest is 15 and is an advanced child. She is a startight A student, on the honor roll and active in all kinds of things, forensics, dance team, student council, etc. She is a fine girl, but she is so demanding its pathetic. She stays in bed until late afternoon and then on instant messanger until after 1 AM. She will not do any chores around the house, will not fix her meals or even let us know what she wants to eat, which we have to fix. She wants all the goodies without any work to get it. She is very argumentative. Most of the time she is Ok, but don't do anything to cross her path. She says we don't care for her etc. Our other children are 14 yr. old boy with frontal lobe damage, 11 yr old girl with RAD, and an 10 yr old girl with detached retinas and virtually blind. We also care for a 14 month old foster child. We are quite busy and it seems to me that a 15 yr old girl thats as bright as out daughter could at least wash her clothers and fix her meals. This is my first post here and I like the web site. Thanks

Hi, Thanks so much for your post and welcome to the web site! Sounds like you have a full house with lots to do to take care of your children. It is people like you who make the world a better place by caring for children. I know you are very busy and expect your daughter to help out ... which is certainly reasonable. Perhaps your daughter is feeling like she is not getting any attention and her siblings are getting lots of attention. That might be the reason she is reluctant to help out at home. If she felt like she was getting her 'share' of attention, she might be more likely to pitch in. Perhaps you could spend a little one-on-one time with her to let her know how much you love her. And let her know that the family works like a team and each person's contribution is valuable and important. Let her know how much you love her and would appreciate her contribution. Sibling rivalry is very strong for all kids ... and each child always things the other kids are getting more than they get. In a home where some kids need more due to disabilities, the other kids may feel some jealousy because they get less attention. We all need to feel loved. Hope this is helpful. Keep in touch with us to let us know how it works out. Best wishes, NancyNic Parent Forums Moderator

Thanks for the encouragement. My wife spends a lot of her free(?) time with her. She takes her places, etc and she does a lot with the church group.