Prostitution - to tell or not to tell?

I think the fact that you have the level of compassion and understanding that you do will be an example to your daughter. She will learn from your example, and it sounds like a good one. My advice would be to give her the info she requests and seems ready for at the time. Best wishes,

I am an adoptee who recently found my birthfamily. Most of the stories that my baunt told me were not good. Bmom hasn't been seen in 10 years. But no matter how hard it was to hear the truth, I needed it to answer all of those questions that an adoptee has. My advise would be to tell her everything, but be sure to brace her for it. However she takes the news, in the longrun, at least she will know the truth and not have false expectations or disappointments later.

Shirleyville - your words made ALOT of sense. I'm printing your advice and filing it away so that I can refresh my mind over the years to come. Thank you so very very much. Lucy Joy - you were right, the truth is ugly but lies would indeed be uglier still. Thank you. Holiday - I admire your courage and honesty. I pray everything goes well for you. HappyTwinsMom - thanks for the encouragement!! Koon 38 - your experience was an important one to share. Thank you. If anyone else has been in a similar sitution or would like to share advice please go ahead. I'll be very grateful. God bless you

I would tell her when she is old enough to understand like say 14 or 15 years old. If she finds out before hand she will wonder why you never told her. she will wonder why you kept the secret for so long if you wait to tell her at 18 or older than that.

I would not tell her this information while she is a child/youth. Once she is an adult, she can make an adult decision about how much information she wants to know. I certainly wouldn't lie to her if she asks a direct question, but I wouldn't "dump" adult issues onto a child/youth, either. I just don't see any value in a 14-year-old knowing that her birthmother was a prostitute. A good friend of mine is an adult adoptee. She advised me to always let my son set the pace about what he wants to know about his birth family and when. Then, she advised to only answer the questions asked rather than throwing in the kitchen sink. He can always ask more questions, but you can't "undo" telling him more information than he was ready to hear at that moment. She also stressed to never, ever lie about anything (not that I would). Her Amom told her that she didn't know her birth name, but then my friend found her original birth certificate in her mother's dresser drawer. This betrayal of trust threw her into a tailspin. Bottom line -- trust your motherly instincts about what information your daughter is ready to hear. - Faith

Its wrong to keep secrets from a child about their birthparents. I know if I was adopted I wouldnt want my family to keep stuff away from me about my birthfamily.

I have to say, after staying away from this website for a while to take a break, after coming back and reading your thread it does just stir thoughts and emotions and possible situations all around my mind again.... reminding me just how challenging adopting can be and how strong we have to be, for the sake of our child..... I would just like to say first of all how you, the adoptive mother and father are to be commended for being loving, caring, open-minded christian individuals in even being strong enough to go through what we all over here on the adoptive waiting side are waiting to go through. Your particular situation does show me just how much love and compassion and concern you have as an adoptive mother and father....because, I think, it's hard enough for families to raise their own "biological" children and deal with our own families and our own crazy family problems, but to be so willing and loving to take on the additional care and the role that's NECESSARY to be a mother to another child that would not have had these issues in their own life if you yourself were the biological mother, I feel you are to be commended and respected for being strong enough to KNOW that this scenario and the birthmother's situation was going to be a part of your live's FOREVER and still choose to adopt this precious little girl and give her a better life....I can honestly say, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to handle what the possibilities of that particular situation may present....just like your thread is now asking....so much is at stake there, the future of your daughter's life basically....her mental health, her self-esteem, her reality of her lineage...could I have handled it properly? You know, maybe total, brutal honesty is too much, like the birthmother revealing all that she did in her history....sometimes, maybe not knowing is easier.....for you know your daughter could never be hurt by it, if it had never been disclosed in the mother's history.... But it was, at the choice of the birthmother and I commend her for being forthright and feeling it was necessary to reveal these things about herself which she has a right to do, maybe, quite possibly to show her daughter what not to do with her own life when she gets older.... I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is, was the adoption process semi-open or open? I guess if it was open, completely, the biological mother would have the ability to be a part of your daughter's life now right? and maybe choosing not to be? or was it a case that the birthmother wanted no contact after the adoption? Because that would matter... I have to say, I'm totally understanding your husband's position on this issue in being concerned and afraid and I also totally understand your position in that you feel your daughter should know the truth if she so desires to hear it, completely.... I think, if it were me, thinking of this if it were my daughter (which may very well be the case for us someday as waiting hopeful adoptive parents) it would all have to depend on my daughter's maturity level AND any issues that we would be discussing.... Nowadays, parents need to talk about sex to their child at a much earlier age and maybe the opportunity would present itself to discuss the realities of unprotected sex outside marriage which could lead to the same situation that her birthmother faced....an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy.... Coupled with the fact that her mother needed financial help and sought after the only profession she obviously felt she could do....alot could be learned and taught to your daughter to empower her on so many levels....being strong in knowing what she does and does NOT want to do with her own life.... teaching her the power of seeking a higher education so she doesn't feel forced to do something that may be illegal and make her a little more money than what she was originally only trained or school to do.... I think, seeking professional, christian counseling for you, the parents first should be highly considered and then for your daughter even before it's discussed with her...for as you've said, as the others, this is extremely delicate and could spiral your daughter downward if she's not ready to hear it or even if she feels like she's ready to hear it, it's got to have some kind of challenge in living with this knowledge forever, like they said, once your say it, you can never take it back.... Also, this is a wonderful opportunity though to show your daughter that even through her mother's adversity, her mother still is a wonderful, caring, loving person who sought the BEST for her daughter....and chose life for her daughter and to know, that even out of bad circumstances, something wonderful can happen and that was her! Your daughter, today!!! and how her mother broke the cycle of despair and destruction by allowing her daughter the chance to live a better life through you, the loving adoptive parents... So again, on so many angles, if and only if your daughter is ever ready to know this (maybe, maybe not and only YOU will know what's best) there is a wonderful story to share that again, as I said, can empower her on so many levels if it's presented correctly and only if, she's emotionally stable and ready to receive it.... Her birthmother is no worse than anyone else...for as we Christian adoptive parents know, all sins are the same in the eyes of God and like Mary Magdalene at the well...Jesus loves everyone.... I know this has to be stressful for both you and your husband to try to figure out what's best for your daughter.... Prayer is most important for you and your husband and your daughter now...God will reveal to you which path to take at what time....God's peace is the utmost, important thing you can have in your life right now...this is a big issue and I believe both you and your husband need to be in agreement with your choice because your daughter needs to see two people, married, in love, happy and trusting God in all things in their life....you don't want something this big dividing you and your husband and your marriage... Blessings to you and your family and daughter. We will keep you all in our prayers! God bless! Melody

Agree with the others that honesty and truth are important BUT, one does not have to go into unnecessary details in the name of honesty and truth. I would ask whether this knowledge would more than likely have a positive benefit or a negative affect on your daughter. Especially agree with faith_amom I grew up always knowing I was adopted. It was not denied or ignored but neither was it made out to be a big deal. My aparents explained to me that my bio-parents wanted me to have a life that bio-parents were unable to give to me at that time in their lives. You could use a similar explanation. It is honest and the truth. I share the concerns of your husband. To me, the negative possible affects out weigh any positive value in your daughter learning ALL the truth - especially at a young age - and even 18 is still young. Your daughter's self esteem and self worth will be affected by how she is raised by you, her life experiences, her relationships with people, her education etc. It has nothing to do with the lifestyle of the woman that gave her birth and placed her for adoption - - or at least it shouldn't and won't if it is not given unnecessary importance before she has established a good sense of self. I recently received my non id information and learned some things that I'm glad I did not find out when I was younger. If I had learned these things when I was a teenager, the knowledge of bio-parents behavior could have affected my own opinion of myself. It also would have affected my opinion of bio-parents when I would have been to young to understand how certain situations could lead people to do things out of the ordinary. I have no way of knowing if aparents were aware of this information as they are both deceased. If they were aware and kept it to themselves, they made a correct decision. There is more of a chance though, that they were simply not told. Another factor to consider is who is aware of this information and what is the risk that your daughter would find out "accidently"? If there is even a remote chance of this, if you have shared this information with anyone, then the decision is no longer a question. She would need to learn it from you as soon as she is able to understand. Also, if your daughter someday decides to search, you would need to prepare her before she discovers these things on her own.

Not to condone a lifestyle of drug use, prostitution, and petty crime, but when you do eventually reveal the truth to your daughter (especially since she is being raised in an entirely different lifestyle and will have no personal experience with such things) you might want to explain to her that the crimes her birthmother is guilty of are victimless crimes...in other words, the person she's truly doing harm to is herself. These crimes do not put her in the same league as a rapist or a murderer. In some states, or at least in Nevada, prostitution is legal. In many other countries, prostitution AND drug use are legal. Of course, these are breaches of ethics and morality. They are nothing you or I would ever be involved in, and certainly nothing we would want our children involved in. But please, when you explain to your daughter, help her to understand that these things do not necessarily mean her birthmother is bad or evil; simply that she is self-destructive, and possibly there are things in her past, in her own upbringing, that have led her to make the choices she has made. If nothing else, she gave birth to your daughter, and she entrusted her to you to raise...so she did at least one thing right. And who knows, perhaps by the time your daughter meets her, the birthmother will have gotten some help and turned her life around. Stranger things have been known to happen. Best of luck to you all. Sincerely, Sharon :)

I completely agree with your perspective. When I posted "It also would have affected my opinion of bio-parents when I would have been to young to understand how certain situations could lead people to do things out of the ordinary" I was alluding to the very thing you mentioned. As a young person, many have not experienced enough to be understanding of the situations in which some people find themselves caught. Your post, "when you explain to your daughter, help her to understand that these things do not necessarily mean her birthmother is bad or evil; simply that she is self-destructive, and possibly there are things in her past, in her own upbringing, that have led her to make the choices she has made" is an excellent suggestion.

Dear bslgirl, You didn't say how old your daughter is now, unless I missed it? My son is 3.5. His bmom has very similiar problems as yours does! In fact, we learned a few weeks ago from her mom(who we maintain contact with and see about twice a year) that bmom is in jail at this very moment! Didn't say why but, we assume drugs as she has been in in the past for that. I wouldn't be surprised by anything else she may be into/doing! She is a lost soul! We've always basically understood that she can't/doesn't keep a job and just drifts from one guy to the next, whoever will take care of her. My son has a bio-sister being raised by her grandparents(the paternal bgrands). Bmom claimed the same bdad for my son as for his sister, who is 3 years older. We're not sure???? My son does not favor bdad but, he claimed and signed.?? Anyway, we have an open relationship with the sister and grandparents so, we talk of them all the time to our son. Sister's picture is all over, etc. He knows he was adopted, you can ask "Were you adopted?" and he'll say 'yes' but, he doesn't understand what that means yet. Tonight, out of thin air, he asked, "Where is Jamie?" That's bmom. We just said, "We're not sure. She lives in such and such city, I guess she's there." That is all he needed at 3.5!!!!! He said "Is she my birthmom?" We said "she sure is". Again, he doesn't know yet what that means. He is just learning his story and the language and that's all he needs for now. I guess telling all of this to say, remeber what is appropriate and needed at each age and stage. "The truth shall set you free" so, honesty is the only way. But, we all know as parents what our children need to know and when. Pray for wisdom and guidance and God will give it to you! He will be faithful to supply all you need to accomplish what He has called you to do in your daughter! I pray He will bless and guide all of us as we help our children understand the awesome, miraculous, incredible way that God brought us together as a family and the wonderful plans that He has for thier lives!! He will use even the very bitter truth of their bmom's lives to craft and mold them into the people they are to be. AND, lest I forget, I will note here: we should be praying for these bmoms!!!!! God can pull them out of the depths they are in! He can save them and completely restore them and turn thier lives around!!!! We should be lifting them all the time!!!! They gave life to our precious angels and thank God did what was best for them after that!!!! They need us to be prayer warriors for them!!!!! God's richest blessings to you and your family! J's Mom........and so proud to be!!!

As some of the other posters have suggested, it is most important that your daughter be able to trust you, her mother, to be truthful with her, and you will know when and how to handle that as she grows up. Secondly, I believe that it is very important to separate the act from the individual and I would suggest that you not label her birthmom as a prostitute but as one who engaged in prostitution at a difficult point in her life. Good luck as you travel the parenting pathways--your children teach you what you most need to learn, a wise old soul once told me.

If I had a child i would give them the freedom to choose their own path .As long as you have a ‘goal’ for what you will do when your escorting or dancing job is over. Honestly I don’t see the shame in it, If you want to use your body for profit then go for it. I don’t see it as any different than a laborer breaking his back for his money or a landscaper working in the sun all day. Sex work is still work.I do however, worry if my Daughter would ever work in the USA where a cop can legally rape her in order to get a prostitution charge on her. I would worry my daughter would not have health care to access contraceptives or to access std screening if she was not lucky enough to have her parents health insurance. I worry about things like if my child was depressed or had mental health issues but could not get access because their country does not see mental health as a necessity but a luxury.If anything, I would want my daughter to use the cards she was dealt to live a life she enjoyed. If that meant exchanging companionship and sex for money, then fine. If she wanted to dance and flirt for money, fine. But she would never feel the need to hide it, to be ashamed or be alone. We all need a loving and supporting family and when nobody is being hurt, I’m not going to chastise her for making money off of her beauty. There have been concubines, mistresses and prostitution for centuries. It is not wrong, it is not bad or dirty. It is simply a profession that varies in class, wages and value. There were whores who lived in as mistresses for kings, there are women from New York on the street who need a job that has quick turn around. And there are women in between. Let people live their lives according to their own rules, not yours.

A lot of birth mothers have hard stories and as adoptive parents we are there to support them. They are giving us a great gift and taking on a lot. Must be open to a lot and sometimes the things are hard to take on. Just stay strong and communication always helps.

I know this is a very late reply. But I really do hope that eventually you will tell your child that part of het bm. As a 20 year old adoptee, who found out that my mum was a criminal and prostitute and therefore will never be accepted by my birth country, by reading the reason of adoption. I read that today. My parents did not tell me. Nor do I feel that they are planning to. Although it may be hard and difficult to discuss, please do because if she founds out before you tell her, it is more difficult for her to trust you again. Discuss it when you feel she is ready. And saying to your daughter that" her bm has a rough time and is currently trying to find her way. And she did not want her child to have a rough time, but wanted to give her child what she deserved and therefore decided to give her to a loving family." will probably be enough for a pretty long time. And indeed as others in the thread said, that listening to your instincts will help you know when she is ready.Be careful how you choose your words, be truthfull and honest. Goodluck and lots of love.