Questions about adopting older children

My son was almost 4 when we adopted him. THere were a lot of adjustments and a lot of issues due to neglect. BUt with a lot of work, the right therapies he is doing quite well. But I am also only parenting 1 child. It gets harder with more children, although many do it. My son had a sunny profile, and looked great initially. He was later diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder (successfully treated), bipolar disorder (successfully medicated), sensory integration disorder (getting OT now for this) and Central auditory processing disorder (needs speech services for this). These are all very real realities of neglect and nothing to indicate these issues was mentioned in his profile. But I will tell you that adopting my son is one of the best things I have ever done. He is just wonderful!! You just need to be prepared that all older children are speical needs and will have issues you need to address.A good friend has 3 bio kids, 1 adopted son (adopted at age 11) and 1 foster/hoping to adopt daughter at 10. It's been a lot of work, but they are doing well. Foster daughter has only been with family 1 month though, and does have a lot of issues - so she may just be honeymooning. Most people would encourage strongly against adopting out of birth order. While some have succeeded, many have had disasterous results. Most would encourage only adopting children younger than the children already at home. I guess you just have to weigh how much risk you are willing to take. The profiles of the children you are considering may not be accurate. Very few of us that have adopted older children have gotten accurate profiles. They really seem to candy coat over the issues. Please do not feel I am trying to discourage you, I am not. Only you know what is best for your family. But I do caution you to consider all the possibilities. Recent postings on the special needs board highlight one families tragedy. It's hard reading, but it is reality. I would encourage you to read over Pam's postings if you are interested in more.

Originally Posted By Susan WardYou're asking questions and looking for input which is great! It would be nice to think that we could make adoptive parenting decision based on what "feels" right, however, I'm a believer that it needs both the heart AND the head. Older child adoptive parenting includes many issues that are not there with children adopted as babies. Be very familiar with those: attachment, grief and loss, trauma, adjustment, etc. Read, talk to parents, and read more. After you have all of your information, then use your heart: meditate, pray, consider...I only have one child, adopted at age 6. However, her issues of trauma, attachment, and grief were so all-encompassing for so long that I know I could not have parented more than one child at a time. She sucked me dry. Thankfully, she is now healed: all A's, athletic, caring, curious, articulate, and truly a wonderful child. But it was HARD work.Please ask as many questions as you want. Let us know how your decision-making process goes.Susan Ward, mama to Hannah age 10Older Child Adoption Online Magazine, [url="http://www.hannahandhermama.com"]http://www.hannahandhermama.com[/url]

Originally Posted By SondraWe have a bio daughter (Tawni 7) and an adopted daughter (Tami 9). We were discouraged by many not to go out of the birth order, but we felt that Tami was not a threat to Tawni so we proceeded and we made the right choice. Tami and Tawni are great together! At times, I think that they are closer then bio siblings could ever be. The thing about Tami that makes it work is the way she viewed her bio situation. Tami was happy when CPS removed her and never wanted to go back. Her dream was to be a "normal kid with normal parents". If you can find a kid with the mindset, I think that you can make it work. We have also foster many kids. We had a 13 year old female in our home last month. She didnt want to go back home EVER! She will do well with a young couple (even with young children). Now her siblings havent faced the fact of what happened in their bio home. They have alot of anger and were in major denial. I dont know if I would trust them to be around a 4 year old. I dont think they would SA the younger one, but they might severely pick on the younger one in order to build up their own self esteeme.All I can say is read the case files good. Everyone was freaking when we were placed with Tami since she was older. Well, Tami has FAS and is behind in all areas. She is VERY small for her age and Tawni is REALLY big for her age so Tawni is almost 4 inches taller then Tami. Tami also is more of the follower type and Tawni takes advantage and tends to be VERY bossy. Needless to say, Tawni does get in trouble from time to time for picking on her OLDER sister. LOL! Everyone's family is different and you know yours best. :)

Originally Posted By Dr. Arthur Becker-WeidmanAdopting an older child can be rewarding. You have to be prepared, however, if you are to do it right. First, a few facts. About 58% of adoptable children in the U.S. (children in foster care) have attachment disorder symptoms. 80% of maltreated infants have attachment disorder symptoms. You should read a lot of material on parenting children who've experienced trauma (see, for example, Facilitating Developmental Attachment by Daniel Hughes, Ph.D., or When Love is not Enough by Nancy Thomas). You also need to be prepared for the fact that older children come with a history of trauma and difficulty that colors and distorts how the child experiences and perceives everyday events, relationships, love, discipline, and much else. Children do heal...but you have to be prepared, understand what you are getting into, and be able to committ yourself for this child despite difficult and even frightening behaviors. Such children, because of their past, will often experience intimacy as a threat and react in "strange" ways...act to push away or be overly clingy. I've got a number of good articles on my website and links to other good websites you should take a look at.Best wishes,Arthur Bekcer-Weidman, Ph.D.Center For Family Development 716-810-0790[url="http://www.center4FamilyDevelop.com"]http://www.center4FamilyDevelop.com[/url]AWeidman@Concentric.net