3 words: My LIFE=DISSAPOINTMENT

January 21, 2003

I am not really sure if this is the kind of story you would put on television, but i just thought i would share my story with everyone in this forum. You might have already heard it

I get so dissappointed from time to time. I was born on Feb. 12,1985 in St. Louis Missouri. Which means i am now 17 years old.

I was told that my birth mothers name was Rhonda and that i did not see her when i was born.

I was also told that i got to see my birth father at monitored visits at the adoption home untill i was 2 years old.

The family i am living with now found me at 6 months and i was offically adopted at the age of 5.

I have been with this family ever since.

I was also told that my birth parents both did drugs and were both very young and not ready to have a child in their lives at that time.

I live in a rather big family with both adoptive parents still married and around the age of 50 and i have 2 brothers (ages 37&23) and 1 sister (age 36).

I have 2 nieces (ages 15&2) and 2 nephews (ages 16&10).

All of my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews live in the same neighbor hood as i do and so they are always at my house and since i was the only one in the family that was adopted well i like to tend to bring it up alot. I like to make fun of me in ways i dont think they realize it hurts so much.

I have known that i was adopted ever since i can remember but my adoptive family doesnt like to tell me much about my birth family or show me many pictures from when i was a baby. ( its kind of like i did not exist untill i was 5).

I have never really had very high self esteem (or so i have been told) but i always try to keep my spirts up and look on the bright side, but things do happen from time to time but its best to try and look on the bright side or you will never be happy.

I was in a relationship for 2 and 1/2 years and to most people they would call that just puppy love or something along that line but we were very close and could talk about everything and we went through alot together, we even talked about getting married in the future when we got a little older and got things in order in our lives.

Well we recentally broke off our relationship and it has been rather hard on me.

I dont really get along with girls to good (due to the fact that i havent been able to find one that would lie to my face or talk about me behind my back yet) so i really dont have any friends that i can talk to or hang out with so it kind of leaves me out in the cold by my self.

I feel more like i am not worth anything with every passing day and like it would be pointless to keep on searching for my birth parents because they already threw me to the curb once so whats to say that they will want to have anything to do with my now or in a few years if i were to find them?

I have never really gotten along with my adoptive family at all and there are times when i hear them talkin to each other and asking each other why they even adopted me in the first place.

So i guess what i am trying to say through all this rambling that i am done searching for my birth parents because i know they would want to have nothing to do with me so why just mess up their lives. I mean they have probley forgoten all about me by now anyways.

As i scroll down the message boards i cry and cry and just sit here wondering why i cant have someone even one person in my live that could love me as much as they love their children that they gave up for a better life?

I makes me wonder what i did that was so wrong to make people hate me so much. I mean i have never tried drugs or smoking or even tried liquer. I dont get the best grades in school but i try the best i can and i get B's and C's now. I just dont get what it is that makes me so unlovable.

Shelzy Welzy

January 27, 2003

Casey,

I read your story and really don't know what it would be like to be in your situation. You are doing very well in school and hope you go on to college. You are still very young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Please try not to get too discouraged if possible. Have you sought out a counselor to talk with? Sometimes it is nice to know that your emotions and feelings are not abnormal.

I have sought out a counselor to speak with concerning my situations. My husband and I have been married 12 years, and I have not been able to conceive successfully. I had a miscarriage shortly after we were married and have tried fertility drugs since then with no success. Last July our son (adopted) was born. We were estatic!!! However, he was born with a heart problem that we had no idea of before he was born. As soon as we chose him to be our son (a few months before birth) we fell in love with him unconditionally! He was flown across state to a children's hospital and had 4 surgeries. The last 2 weeks of his life we could not hold him or feed him. He was on life support. He passed away at 20 days old. Thankfully, we were able to stay at a Ronald McDonald house and be with our son every day of his short life!!

We have had such a difficult time since Vincent passed away. Being able to talk with a counselor has helped me realize that my feelings are real and normal. I don't have but 2-3 really close female friends. None of them live close to me. I have also had difficult times allowing myself to get attached to female friends.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that, although we are in different situations, I am willing to listen!!! Life can be very difficult and cruel at times even. If you want to talk at all, feel welcomed to email me at sorsha1620@netscape.net.

Try to keep your chin up. Oh, at your age, try not to worry about guys right now. Try to focus on preparing for your future first!! I know it is not easy. I have been there. Just when I had decided to date casually....if at all.....I met my husband.

Take care....Michelle

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tingar

February 12, 2003

Hi Casey

I've read quite a few of your postings and just noticed on the birthday listings that it's your birthday today!!! The big 18!! You should be able to now ask the agency or the state for your non-id info. That's a big step - I didn't take that step until recently and am kicking myself for waiting but I know that you have said in other postings that you do want to know the facts about your b-parents and the non-id info should give you a lot of information.

I just want you to know that there are lots of people here on the msg boards who don't even know you but yet they care for you, either because they see themselves in your story or they see their child (whether it's an adopted or bio child). I see myself in your stories. And sometimes when I read your postings I just wish I could give you a great big hug and tell you that it will get better.

I know during those lonely times when the world just seems too heavy that's not much consolation (sorry I'm a terrible speller) but maybe if you try to put a face to some of the folks here that have given you good advice or have said something that spoke to your heart or soul - that way the next time the blues try to sneak up on you, you can think about some of your "friends" here on the boards!! If you want to see a pix of me go to my webpage or maybe you could read some of the articles about the things that adoptees and children go thru on the links area of my webpage.

And again Happy Birthday!! Wow 18 - you go girl!!

Best wishes,

Tina

steelmagnolia

February 25, 2003

DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF. FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TALK TO , NOT SOMEONE WHO WILL TELL YOU TO FORGET THE ADOPTION ISSUE. DON'T EVER GIVE UP, DO NOT DECIDE FOR YOUR BIRTHMOTHER, TAKE TIME, TALK, JOIN A SEARCH GROUP IN YOUR AREA. I FIND IT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE A BIRTHMOTHER WOULD FORGET OR EVER STOP THINKING OF HER CHILD.

JOINING A SEARCH GROUP IN YOUR AREA WOULD BE THE BEST THING TO DO RIGHT NOW.

TAKE CARE, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

Dixierae

February 25, 2003

hey girl,

how have you been?, well not so good from what Ive been reading tonight. Ive talked to you before.Remember? Anyway, search isnt going so well huh? Have you talked to your family anymore and told them you really needed to know? They may know more then you think, maybe its all bad too, who knows.

But one thing is for sure they picked you to love all these years dont count them out just yet.And with that said dont feel bad cause your not blood! They love you and theres some age difference between you and brothers and sisters, dont worry about that. And Iam sure if you look hard enough you could find a new girl to hang with.Theres alot of life ahead of you and if you dont get things worked out your not going to be feeling good about yourself anytime soon, know what I mean?

with this said I want you to know Iam hear reading all your post. You sound more alone then heart broke to me, give them time.they might give some info that could help I found my bdaughter and sometimes its more painful then the time apart and the search. Talk to a teacher anyone who will listen, you hang in there this boy thing will pass one day youll see, take care Iam reading, love ya

Janeece

April 27, 2003

Hi Casey,

I know it has been a while since you wrote the post, and I hope you are feeling better about things now. Noone ever said it was an easy thing to be adopted.

I am an adoptee too. I have known all my life I was adopted I always got along with my a/parents and my brother (adopted also), but I never really felt like a fit in with the family. Noone ever made me feel different, I just did.

But,(in my opinion) we are very lucky, being adopted.

You have to realize that.

What your birthmom did was such an unselfish thing.

She gave her baby up.

Just think about that for a minute.

She carried you for 9 months, felt you kick inside her, probably dreamed of you at night, but yet she knew she was too young and from the sounds of it, too messed up to be able to take care of you. So along come your a/parents, who have raised, cared and loved you since you were 6 months old. No, they are not blood related, but who cares?!?!?

Most people do not get along with their family at one point or another adopted or not! Especially when you are 17, just broke up with your boyfriend and not having many friends. We have all been through the things you are talking about.

But you really need to talk to someone about it. Maybe one of your neices? Maybe a counselor at school? Keeping all of your frustrations bottled inside is not good. All it does it make you more mad and more hurt. Maybe just keeping a journal and writing down what you are feeling would help.

As far as your birthparents not thinking about you, I seriously doubt that! You just do not forget the birth of your child. As you said, they were young and using back then. But 17 years is a long time and hopefully they are clean and sober now. They may have not tried to find you, as you just turned 18 and maybe they feel you may not want to know them! Your b/mom may feel you hate her for giving you up and she is afraid of rejection from you!

When I found my birthmother, she was so releived that I did not have any bad feeling towards her. She told me she thought of me every day. You said you did something wrong for people to hate you! That is so not true! My birthmom was young and unmarried too. She gave me up because she knew she couldnt financially support me and give me the life she knew I deserved.

Sounds like your b/mom may have given you up for the same reasons, plus she was using at the time and we all know that would have been a bad situation for you and your b/mom had she of kept you and continued to use.

You have done nothing wrong.

The things you are feeling are totally normal.

Do your a/parents know you want to find your b/parents? What are their feelings on that? Maybe they dont tell you everything as they dont want to upset or hurt you.

It really helps to talk to someone who knows where you are coming from. This forum may help, and we are all here to help if we can.

Don't be so down on yourself, sounds like you get good grades, so go with that! I'll bet you are going to graduate this June, have you looked into going to college? College can be a great experience, and you can meet some wonderful people there too.

Try not to dwell on the negative stuff, it takes more time and energy. Look at the all the positives and run with them. We all get down and sometimes it seems that we cant get back up, but we can and do and you can too!

You are young and have a whole life in front of you. Just dont give up on yourself! You are too young to give up, and there is no reason to! Be happy!!! I hope to see a post from you soon, let us know how it's going !!!!

Janeece :D

Last update on May 30, 2:37 pm by Miriam Gwilliam.