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I am new here as a result of needing some advice. My husband and I adopted our five year old at birth. The birthmother lives across the country. She and I have a wonderful relationship and consider ourselves friends. The birthmother was invited to come for the child's first birthday, then visited when our daughter was three and then for our daughter's fourth birthday, she and I flew to visit her birthmother.
Ever since Christmas, our daughter mentions the birthmom daily. She is obsessed with her. We have told her that she can call her birthmom whenever she wants to. Yesterday she told us that she wants her birthmom to come and live with us.
My husband is afraid that this open adoption might have been a mistake. I do not feel that way at all. (My adopted brother had a closed adoption, and I saw firsthand how he struggles with that to this day at the age of 31.)
How can we help our daughter through this time? We are at a loss and don't know where to turn.
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It's probably just a phase. Who's to say that your daughter wouldn't act this way about a grandparent or an aunt if birthmom were not in the picture? I would definitely consult a child psychologist who has experience with adopted and foster children, and see what they say. But in the meantime, I would continue to support communication (although not on a daily basis) and talk about Birthmom. I'm sure that in time this "obsession" will pass. She's only five, and I doubt that the gravity of this lady being her 'birthmom' has much to do with her feelings and actions.
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I can't remember where I read this idea, but it seems like a really good way to get to the heart of what your daughter might be thinking. You can have a story time where you start the story, then tell your daughter to give the next sentence. Then you can ask questions about what she says. Here's an example, since I can't really think of a better way to describe it. "Once upon a time there was a little girl named Suzy, and she lived with her mommy and daddy right here in our house. One day Suzy's birth mother came to live with them....what do you think happened next? Uh huh, why did that happen? What did you think?" Kind of like that. Then maybe you'll find out more of what she's thinking and can deal with it more easily.
I am curious as to what the birthmother has to say about this. Has she talked to your daughter about why she can't come to live with you even though she would like to see her more. As an adoptive mom and foster mom (and stepmom), I have found that often honest communication between the birthparent and the child about the situation can help to resolve these fantasies.