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Hi Cindy: Welcome to the forums. My close friend called in tears because her 17 year old daughter is saying that she sees no reason to go to school. She is strong-willed, type A. She gets straight A's but her mom notices that she says things like "I don't want to go to school" when something else is bothering her. What would be some helpful ways that this mom could help her 17 year old to talk about what is bothering her? Thanks Cindy. Appreicate your expertise on this. Glad you are here on the forums. Warm regards,

Hi Sabra, Well, we are certainly off and running now. Very good question. It is hard to tell what is really going on with your friend's daughter. I do know (as I am sure you do) that being 17 is very difficult. There are many reasons teens do not want to go to school. For some, the pressure is too much whether it is academic or peer; there is certainly a great deal of stress on teens these days. That being said, your friend is in a difficult situation. If she pushes too much then her daughter may retreat more, but if she "pretends" like everything is alright then her daughter will be left with feeling overwhelmed by her feelings. You friend may try to reasurre her daughter that she is there for her when she is ready to talk and use empathy to help her daughter identify areas of stress. A mother/daughter day may be useful, to try to enjoy each others company in a non threatening environment may help her daughter open up. Also, with teens, we tend to learn more from their friends. A friend may help to start the conversation. Most importantly, your friend can assure her that no matter what it is, she is there for her and that she will try to help her through this challenging time. In other words, nothing is too much to be said. That she is open and able to "handle" the conversation that is necessary. If this is too much, then possibly professional help is needed. Good luck to you and your friend. It sounds like a very difficult time. Cindy Hill-Ford

Hi Cindy: Thanks very much for your ideas! I told them to the mom. She said "Would you believe when I picked her up from High School today she seemed fine!" Then she told her daughter that she is there to talk and they made some plans to do some things together and she seemed fine the rest of the day. Her daughter is really emotional. Do you think she should have her try to find a therapist just to talk with even if she does not need to go regularly? The mom is concerned due to manic depressive disorder that some of their relatives suffer from. Do you think she should start calling around now? Do you think it will take a bit of time to get in to see a therapist and that it would be good to get something in place? Thank again for your expertise. This young girl has a lot of potential. It would be so sad if she did not feel supported. Thanks!!

Wow, the emotional roller coaster ride of teenagers! Yes, it is a concern about manic depression, epecially since there is a family history. People who suffer with this type of depression have very high highs and low lows. Many are "over achievers" with a great deal of potential. The good news is that it can be treated with medication and people can live "normal" lives. If her daughter is willing, therapy would be a good start. It can be explained to her in the way that it must be hard for her to live with such extremes and that talking to someone may help her feel better. Her daughter probably feels that she is the "only one" who has these feelings and that everyone else is "normal". We all know that is not true but that does make it more difficult for teens to seek help and it leads to their depression. A good place to start looking for a therapist on line (if you friend lives in California) is the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBSE is the search word). This is the state governing board. On the web site there is a "therapist finder" and she could find a therapist in her area who spealizes in adolescent issues. Please let me know if this doesn't work and I can think of something else. Good luck and please be sure to tell your friend to be good to herself. When our children are struggling, we tend to be hard on ourselves and blame ourself. Cindy

Thanks very much, Cindy! I think I will take your words of advice and take my friend for a walk on the beach. The beauty will be soothing! I will let you know if she comes up with a dead end regarding locating a therapist for her teen. Thank you for your caring response. Warm regards,

Happy New Year Cindy, DH and I currently have two sons ages 8 and 6 whom we've adopted at 3 days and 1 month respectively. They are smart, athletic, well adjusted boys. We are in the process of adopting an infant girl, this year. Once we have our daughter on board, we are looking to adopt an older child, male, 2 or 3 years older than our oldest son. I have heard many horror stories on older adoption. Are there any positive stories ? We prefer a child who has not entered the teenage years , I plan to work part time to be their for nurturing. We just want to give a child a forever home and a chance to have a productive adulthood. Is adopting out of birthorder a good idea ? Yasta

Hi Yasta, First I must say, it sounds like you and your family are very loving and supportive people!! Two school aged children and a newborn on the way, that is wonderful. Adopting an older child can be a wonderful experience. I do have a few thoughts that may (or may not) assist you in your process. First, I would consider taking as much time as you need with your daughter. Newborns can be an adjustment to the whole family. Your children may have some immediate reactions to having a new sibling and one who needs a great deal of attention. There will be an adjustment period, however this should be time limited. Second, adopting an older child will be different, not impossible. An older child brings different challenges. Most likely, they have experienced many lossess and may have difficulty trusting, etc.. These challenges, again, are not impossible. It is good, however, to keep an open mind to what the challenges are and plan accordingly. The planning process to me is essential. What I mean by this, is to get as much information before the adoption and to get as much in place, in terms of services. Having good therapy, individually for the child and family therapy can make the transition much smoother. Also, working with someone to help form a transition plan in terms of house rules, etc.. may be helpful as well. There are many good books on adopting older children which may answer some of your questions. If you would like more information or have any questions, please feel free to e-mail. Again, what a beautiful and loving family you are. Good luck with everything. Cindy