Finding out too much

Laura, so good to hear a birth mother having a successful reunion. I notice you joined the forums in 2003, can I ask how long you have been in reunion? I will check out your posts when I have more time. But great to hear that there are successes out there! it gives hope! love Janny

S.A.D. and cold dark nights are always a struggle for emotions and those that most need comfort. If you are not on any anti depressants, you may wish to take some 5-HTP which will help get the serotonin levels up, which in turn, help one cope with the darkness (its an amino acid that doesn't have any bad side effects, but will if its added to an existing GP prescribed anti depressant, can't take both at the same time. Also a good B complex with 50mg of each B vitamin will help too - PM me if you want more details). When I first read your post I was overcome with the animosity towards your bmom. Then I saw your other post and realised you are suffering double whammy. I'm so sorry that you found that your bmom had died 5 years earlier, and I see that your age is 45 on your profile, so that to me tells me that you were probably in a closed adoption. Can I console you to let you know (if you don't already?) that us bmothers had an invisible mark stamped indelibly on our foreheads "society's reject" back in those days when you were born. We were treated as the scum that got pregnant outside of wedlock and were bullied into giving up our children to 'deserving, better parents, actually MARRIED' and to go away, get on with our lives and NEVER even consider thinking of getting in touch, because from that moment on, we were history, we may as well have been dead. I was told that I could get on with my life, secure in the knowledge that my son would have a great upbringing and that I'd done the right thing (yeh, so why did I suffer for the rest of my life?) Oh 62362, there is so much to tell you as to how we were treated, I'm not doing it justice here, but there is a birthmothers page on Nancy Verriers website ([url=http://www.nancyverrier.com]Nancy Verrier[/url]) and it may help you understand why your mother probably didn't search for you. Neither did I when it came to my son. He was so puzzled as to why I didn't search, but the stigma was ENORMOUS. The pain abject, the years of disassocation ([url=http://www.emptyarms.org]Empty Arms Home Page[/url]) and PTSD and yet there was no help. We were left to get on with it and it was not a subject I was allowed to speak openly about. When I tried, I was slammed down, so I learned to bury my feelings, not even recognising it myself, forgetting dates and memories, all part of the traumatic shock of being parted from my son, valid reasons or not. I told my son the circumstances of his adoption. When the time was right, I told him I was really sorry that my decision to have him adopted caused him so much pain. I didn't qualify it. He said I'd done the right thing. So I repeated what I said so that he would 'get it'. The apology is there. If your bmother is not around to say it to you, if I may, I will say it for her. As a bmother, we are so very very sorry that our decision caused you so much pain. We were all ignorant in those days. Everyone was. We were told and we believed it, that adoption was the best thing for our child and society almost demanded from us "who are you to argue?". At such a young age, we couldn't. Its only 30 years on or more now that society, social workers et al are starting to realise that adoption is not the happy ever ending that they'd hoped it would be. When I learned that my son would have known as a baby that the woman picking him up wasn't his mother, wasn't me, I felt a knife go through my heart. You see, we just didn't know. We were lied to. We were too young to argue with the authority around at that time. Even now, in reunion, even with the blessing of my son's amom last month to phone them at home, I am TERRIFIED of interupting their lives, their family. The circuits of the mind were programmed back then, just as yours are now as an adoptee - you are furious with your bmother as my son is furious with me, for giving him up. He has so much anger. You have so much anger, I bet you feel as if you are going to burst. There is the anger of being adopted, not having your mom search for you (apparently) and the anger of bereavement, to find her no longer living. How much pain can someone take? That is what I am responding to on your post. I would like to take your pain away, as I would my son's. I'd been told that I would never be told if he died, and vice versa. The most I could hold out for was him searching for me and by the time he did, I'd given up hope. I'd buried my emotions so deep, it impacted and affected me for the rest of my life. It sucks that at 51 I've only just started defrosting, coming out of the emotional permafrost that was mine for life because society pushed me in a corner and said "give him up, we are not going to help you' and believe me, there was no help in those days. I feel for you, because you perhaps (?) may not know how it feels in the same way as us bmothers don't know how it exactly feels for you to cry out for us and we dont come. I was beaten verbally with cruel words at a time I was an open wound emotionally and i closed down, the words were unbelievably cruel. My own family for example - I wont distress you with what was said, but it did its job. Society had no time for unmarried mothers and both my son and I have suffered big time. That helps him cope now to an extent, but his way of coping with his pain is to find the anaesthetics of alcohol and drugs and it makes it hard going. I hope some of what I've said will console and comfort you. I can't write much more, because it is hurting me writing this, as I feel your pain, just as I feel my son's pain. I know there is a part of Nancy Verriers' book Coming Home to Self - that contains a bit about finding that your bmom has died, but I can't find it at the minute, so perhaps someone reading this post may be able to direct you to it, or I will try and find it for you, but I'm emotionally spent doing this post. Take care and (((hugs))) I have no doubt at all as to why you feel so 'cold' at this time of year. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I feel cold too in a sense. Yeh, thanks for your thought about thank God for the snow being white. It kinda adds a beauty to life when its cold and is certainly better than black. *****************************Here is part of the Adoption Reunion Survival guide that explains how a bmom may have been feeling during those lost years. Perhaps the death of your mom feels like a second rejection? so I have left parts in if you feel you may identify with it? [FONT=Verdana]Adoption Reunion survival guide (Julie Bailey & Lyn Giddens) [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]p138[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]...... For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...[/FONT][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT]

Janni - Thanks for your kind response.. It helps to understand a B-moms point of perspective.. I agree with your suggestions to read up on how the B-Mom feels.. I am a Writer (for myself) and have done some reserach on this topic. I have came across a GREAT read myself, and even attended a book signing of this wonderful Author. [url=http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/]The Girls Who Went Away - Ann Fessler[/url] This is such a heart wrenching and inspiring read.. I felt compelled to go to the book signing (which incidently was accross the street from the house I grew up in with my adoptive parents). It is EXCELLENT~ I give it A++++ My situation is a hard one.. My Birth Mother within a few short years after my adoption became a very very successful Super Model.. lived life on the high horse, ran with the many well known people and it seems to me like she forgot that I existsed.. Even before she died she told family that she thought that I had died.. Which I think appeased her mind that I did not exist for her.. I am working through it... I am glad that it happened in my older stages in life.. Being younger would have been much more difficult to deal with... I am proud of who she bacame, and see her in myself and my daughters.. I thank you for the kind heartfelt apology.. It is so touching that you can do that for her... If I did not know it, you could be an angel speaking for her.. Which makes the New Year start off in a positive and spititual way.. Thanks you!! Susie or Cricket..

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aimeeneu

Janni - Thanks for your kind response.. It helps to understand a B-moms point of perspective.. I agree with your suggestions to read up on how the B-Mom feels.. I am a Writer (for myself) and have done some research on this topic....

[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Hello Susie,[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]I cant help but to reply to what you have said, because I sense a yearning for acknowledgement from your bmom and you feel that you see her saying that she felt you were dead as some kind of appeasement to her mind and that you didn't exist to her.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Let me tell you that I don't 'sense' that at all. It's a bit weird, but something inside me tells me that is not the case. Let me tell you that ‘but 2 weeks’ before my son 'found' me, apparently I'd been saying to my best friend that I was wondering if he was dead or alive. He was 28 then and 2 weeks later I heard from him. I think one of the most difficult things for birth mothers is to hope in your heart that your child (now grown up) will search for you and I have to admit that when my son approached the age of 18, there was a tinge of excitement, as I 'hoped' that he would take advantage of the legal reasons he could now search for me. Why did I not search for him? Because we were brainwashed in those days into believing 'that was it', let them go, and not to interupt or spoil their chances of being integrated into their new family. Such an approach to bmothers leaves its mark no matter how famous or not one is. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Can you imagine how I felt as the years ticked by... 18, 19, 20 ... 21, 22, 23... 24, 25.. 26..27... well I went numb. I buried my feelings even more and felt as rejected as ever, because I felt worthless. Absolutely worthless, as to me, what mother gives up her child? I'd already lived with guilt, worthlessness (no matter how much people 'tell' you how great you are, it doesn't take it away...), self doubts, stigma... remember the stigma of being an unmarried mother in those days was heinous. You were d**ned if you did and d**ned if you didn't relinquish your child. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I have been a pretty angry person over those 28 years and I think if I was as successful as your bmom, it would help to 'bury' the pain (as if). Just because your mom had success with her line of work and knew influential people, does NOT mean that she had forgotten you and the fact that she mentioned you at all, to me shows the ache in her heart. You can be in a room full of people (take this from me as being true) and feel so alone, because the best part of you, your child has been wrested away by society's mores and values to be placed elsewhere and raised by someone else. I think women have been particularly brainwashed in the last 40 years or so to think that they should have a career and as such can be made to feel they are missing out. I’ve heard that in years to come, career women can feel that they have made a mistake there when they have had a career at the expense of having children later in life. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Sometimes the biggest mistake to be made, in my opinion, is what I was told - "you can get on with your life now". Ha! I have to laugh at that one. We can try! and we can be seen to appear as if we have succeeded. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]No matter how successful your mom was, I bet in her heart, she didn't feel that good about letting you go, even if she hid it from others, as I did. You see, you can't carry a child for 9 months and give birth, hold that child, even for a moment and that experience not be engraved indelibly on your heart and mind. How one goes about living with that, well people adopt different strategies to do so, but its there all the same. The heartache never goes, the 'hole in the heart' never leaves a birth mother - its there for life. Believe me, your mom wouldn't have forgotten you and I would say in what I believe to be her angst, she convinced herself that you were probably dead. I did that to myself too. It was easier to bear than the thought that you were out there and yet no contact, nothing was happening.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Can I ask if your mom went onto have any other children? I know many don't, I am such a mother. I never went on to marry either, such was the paralysis of giving up my first born. If what I've asked is too painful, I understand that, but you may wish to visit [URL="http://www.emptyarms.org"]Empty Arms Home Page[/URL] that will explain how a bmother feels when she does not go on to have further children. The dissassociation still strikes me and is still a problem for me. It distanced me from family, where I would interact with them from a distance geographically, but emotionally it was like dead debris. This disassocation has not stopped me focusing on what I want to do in life over the years, but it is there, it has surfaced due to reunion and I have had to have professional counselling to help me, still need help 21 months later.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]What I'm saying is that it IS possible to go through life and be seen to be acting 'normally' and yet inside, one feels so at odds with life, it does not marry up until the very person who can put it right, comes back into our life and thus is the start of further agony (!) called reunion. However difficult reunion is, for bmothers, it is parole from the emotional jail of relinquishment and is worth the suffering, because it gives relief, enormous relief. The ‘hole in the heart’ can start to heal. But as the Adoption Reunion Survival Guide points out, some bmothers can never face reunion because the pain is too deep. I think I gave you some of that on my last post to you?[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Before I heard from you again, I did google your bmom and found only one photo of her. I found her very pretty and I'm sure you are immensely proud of her. I can’t help wondering why you felt so threatened by her lifestyle, is it possibly that it rendered you to feel 'worthless' not worth thinking about, as if her glamorous life was more important than you? I would hardly think so to be honest. It can give her a focus, and it can be rewarding, but in private moments….. even with the superb job I did of ‘burying’ my feelings, they would surface. Dont' forget that when fame and fortune is found, most women seem to acquiese to the deep desire to be 'normal' and that includes having a child, so I would encourage you not to think that her lifestyle meant that you were forgotten, if anything, it would heighten her awareness of what she had missed out on, even if privately. I know one of the biggest things I've had to come to terms with are those 'lost years'. My son has felt it too, enormously. Someone raised him and that someone wasn't me. It causes enormous pain in a mother, but again, we find strategies to help us cope with it during those years when our child is being raised by someone else. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I’m not sure if I’m expressing it well, but spiritually, such a career & lifestyle would hardly be compatible in aligning a lost soul with her own lost child that she bore and I'm aware from what others have said of such professions that it can leave one feeling empty and devoid of things that matter - for example, that is why so many superstars go onto find projects that have more humanitarian meaning for them (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Audrey Hepburn, the list is endless...). What I'm trying to say here (and I hope I'm not being hurtful) is that I doubt she would have gone through life not thinking of you in her quieter moments. In fact it would give her more impetus and drive to help her 'overcome' the experience (but as said, that 'hole' is there forever). Such a profession may have kept her enormously busy and focused, but it would not have enough spiritual depth to give her the nourishment she would need to cope with losing her child, you. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]So, I guess that what I am saying, is that I doubt she ever thought in her deeper moments that you didn’t exist. She was more likely to be wondering how you'd turned out, were you happy, had she done the right thing (even though she'd convinced herself, as we all do, that she had - the reasons are valid enough, for all of us, but to align those reasons with the heart is quite something else....).[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]So to me, her 'she is probably dead' is a cry from the heart. I could be wrong, but being a birth mother, I don't think so. Numbness and deadening of the heart because of too much pain can cause things to be said that only a bmother herself could recognise. It does the trick, it keeps you going. If she were alive, I’m sure she would have been able to embrace you emotionally. I think the daughters you have must give you great comfort knowing that all three of you have turned out like her. The one thing that gives me great comfort is seeing myself in my son and vice versa. So hang onto those moments, they will comfort you when you feel overwhelmed with your loss. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I certainly can recommend “Coming home to self’ by Nancy Verrier, in fact I think there’s a section in there about finding that your bmom is no longer alive, but you can always email her via her [URL="http://www.nancyverrier.com"]Nancy Verrier[/URL] and she no doubt will reply to you, she is pretty good like that. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I hope that what I have written will strike a chord with you and comfort you. I am struggling to say things that are resonating deep in my heart, so perhaps I haven’t put things in the best way, but I hope you will see what I am trying to say. Take heart and know that bmothers are pretty skilful (even in reunion) at hiding from their children how they really feel about things, even from their friends. I am known as one of the most outgoing chatterboxes that cant keep anything secret, so imagine my friends surprise (all 130+ of them!) when it came out of the closet that I had a 28 year old son!!!! [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Take care and (((hugs)))[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Janny[/FONT]

Janniroo- There are so many times when I find myself talking to her.. The rest of the family (her family) are doing everything possible to make me feel at home, and comfortable.. Its almost as if Cathee died, and a few years later I surfaced and took my place at the table so to speak... I wondered why she would have thoughts that I was dead.. Now that I think about it, I tell myself it was probably an easier way to stuff the pain... When she died.. She told her sister (my Aunt) to tell all her children that she loved them... She made sure that she emphasize all her children.. When my Aunt told me, she expressed with all certaintity that I was included in her farewell wishes.. My Aunt thought that my birth mom was certain that I would be found... She suggest that the search continue or pick up after she passed... I just wished that there would have been some sort of letter or something from her.. Some sort of word.. but nothing... That is so hard to swallow some times... Cathee did go onto to have 3 other children - I of course was the first born... I tell myself that their existance was at my expense.... My Grandmother (Cathee Mom) was the one responsible to adopting me out.. Cathee kept me for almost a full year.. and shortly before I turned 1 - my Grandmother took me away one day after Cathee went to High School.. She came home to find me gone.. This upset and angered her to the point that she left the State of MN entirely, and moved out East to Rhode Island.. This is where she was discovered as a Model... After making it big in NYC she moved to London, and became and Eileen Ford model.. She married and had other children.. Cathee's 2nd child was the one who found me.... Cathee never hid the fact that I existed, do either of her Husbands or her other children.. It pains me so much at times, to think that they had her, and I didn't... I had her first for almost a full year... And then I was cast out... by the wicked witch of the Reservation... I swear to God, If I ever make it to the pearly gates, I am going to walk right past the Grand Mother that passed judgement, that I was fit to stay in the family.. I will never forgive her for making that decision for her since she was underage... My Birthmother tried to keep me... But there were older sisters that had already had children out of wedlock, and the house was full at the time.. And Cathee's Mother was a Native American Visionary, and forsaw things for Cathee's future.. She had that part true... but it was all at my expense.. I am proud of who she became in life. But I just wished that I was part of her life, even later in life, before she died.. She died, divorced, single, and about 30 miles from the house I live in right now.. Her sister cared for her since she was dying of Emphysema... She drove back and forth along the freeway that is about a block away from my house for almost a year... She was just that close... I understand what you've said in your words.. It is heartfelt and I am glad that you shared you experience and voiced what Cathee may have been going through.. Its a view I've not realized.. Thanks so much! Susie/Cricket My URL: myspace.com/susieorcricket Oh check out my link, and you can see a photoshow of Catherine... I was in awe of all her photo's I came across and have been given.. I always thought I would get normal 35mm photos of my birth family.. I never fathomed these!!!

Its cold here in Minnesota.. I often wonder during those years you were gone.. How often was I thought of??? Did you wonder where I went to? What religion I was steered into to? Was I healthy, or had I ever been hurt? Was I happy inside? You died in 1997, and with your death went all my answers of a life time.. So I have to come to my own conclusions.. sometimes they are not very pretty.. Sometimes they can be forgiving.. You in my thoughts every day.. I wonder if it would be the same if you were still here... Still on this earth.. I will never know.. These thought make me a little colder on this winter day in Minnesota Susie/Cricket

Dear 62362, I am so sorry that I didn't get back to you on this, but it took such a lot out of me replying to various posts at the time and I've had to recharge my batteries. My own reunion has left me a bit disorientated for a few months and I've had to sort myself out and its only just starting to pan out. Its a strange thing, but true, that when we 'discharge' on these forums, there comes a point where we have to back off a bit and some situations can make me feel 'foggy', something hard to explain, but its like my digging deep into my own experience and sometimes, going there, causes me to dissassociate. In my last post, I tried to say that birth mothers do go through the mill when they relinquish and thoughts may get buried or they may be lived every day, depending on what kind of person that mother is. I think you answered your own question re thinking you were dead- it could well be to 'stuff' the pain as you put it. Don't forget that you need to know what kind of grip her mother had on her, your grandmother that is causing you such grief. You rightly feel angry that this woman had you turned over for adoption when your mother had kept you for a year. That is infuriating and I can understand even if you feel bitter about it, but it would make me question 'what was the situation back then?' was there some kind of unsaid accepted rules in the household/family/ was there something about being a native american that bound the family into her autocratic rule (if that is what it was?). I certainly would ask your aunt more about that. Was she clairvoyant? was she practising anything that could have brought fear into the household if anyone were perceived as 'crossing' her. I only say these things, not to hurt you, but to try and make more sense as to why Cathee would not go against what she said. Although 'society' rules was enough for us to melt with fear and retribution (the names I was called at times...) Also, can you remind me what year all of this happened. I relinquished in 1978 and I know that the supposed 'liberation' of the swinging sixties just was non existent. There was shame, stigma, and people looked at you... (how could you... give up your child, or what kind of female are you to get pregnant?) and society did NOT accept unmarried mothers then and like you, it sucks, when I think of what could have been and I am now left with a huge hole in my heart and a reunion that has 28 years of barriers in my son that makes it sooooo hard for us to form a son/mother relationship, it breaks my heart. I don't think I could explain it any different to you than I already have : a woman does not give birth and just relinquish a child and carry on as if nothing has happened, although to all those watching, it may seem so. Also we say negative things that later we realise we don't mean, e.g. I said that if my son ever searched for me I would not want to see him, but when he did I was overjoyed! Its the same defense mechanism that women may go into when they deep down really want to get married, but tell everyone they don't; do you see where I am coming from? There is such a lot of positive stuff about your mom in what you wrote above, that I have to ask myself why you doubt how much she loved you? No, honestly, write it down, it will help. She told her sister to make sure that EVERYONE knew how much she loved them and there is an awful lot more above but I guess its the why she didn't leave you something eh Hun? I guess it may take some counselling to dig down a bit deeper and help you, but I was so moved by the stuff you wrote above, because to me, it comes shining through as to how she felt about you. e.g. she felt SURE that you would be found. You say that She suggest that the search continue or pick up after she passed... Its tremendously hard to put together a letter to a daughter that you don't know if she hates you, how she feels if she ever wants to see you again (many don't), how do you start a letter? It can be hard. You see 62362, I have no idea what kind of person your mom was, so I don't know how easy or hard it would have been for her to write her feelings down. Perhaps her sister had more idea about that - but I can see how it would be so hard for you to cope with - no letter. She may have had ambivalent feelings about herself - shame, guilt, self deprecation. I feel the more you read up about what other birth mothers have felt like the more clues you may be able to dig up and perhaps discuss it with your aunt, her sister? I would write a letter to Cathee, by hand. I find this very very therapeutic and no amount of typing compares to how good it feels to be alone with one's thoughts and write it down... by hand. I would recommend finding a favourite room, as I recently recommended to FauxGina and have nothing on (no tv, no mobile phones, no landlines, computers, nothing) just time and quiet to face one's own thoughts and in your case, I would ask myself ... how like my mother was I. What would I have done if I was in her place, knowing what kind of family and opposition she had from both family members/society at that time? Do I know what it was like back then? What parts of my personality are like hers? If she let each husband and all the family know about you, then ask your aunt, what would stop her from writing to you? Have you asked her? How easy is it for you to talk to your aunt, or are there places she just 'wont go'? Would finding some appropriate literature on how birth mothers felt back then at that particular time. Would it help? If I was angry with my mother like Cathee was back then - the grandmother who made me relinquish, would leaving home be the only way to get away from her influence? What was the relationship like after I was relinquished (I can speak for myself here when I say that something 'died' when my mother left me to my own devices and when I gave up my son for adoption, it caused 'distance' emotionally between my mother and I. She said she 'loved' me but I never felt it, I never believed it. The distance was too great. She told me I'd done the right thing and I could get on with my life, but now that she has died (2 years ago), I almost feel like waking her up and saying Mom, I never got over it, he's found me, I'm healing now, we should NEVER have been parted, the separation left me angry for 28 years, and I"m still angry now because of the barriers adoption has brought between us, his defense mechanisms). To me it speaks volumes that Cathee died single and it was only her sister who tended her. That to me, says that she turned her back on her mother, which could possibly have been because of the control she had over her daughter at that time. Do not underestimate that when we are so very young, we do as we are told. Its only when we are older that we realise the power that everyone had over us and that in itself gives us great anger. Perhaps your mother was so angry with herself at being duped like that, she could not write to you without feeling so bad about what happened, couldn't translate to words, I don't know, but as you DO know about me, I'm being sincere in my thoughts but not intentional in saying anything that would hurt you. So I will end there, for now, as its taken it out of me again putting these small words of (hopefully) comfort your way. I hope it gives some release of sorts, as I feel you are trapped in something that I can't quite put my finger on and some release is essential. I feel your aunt may well have more clues at your disposal than she realises. What is important to you as an adoptee, the rest of us take for granted. I only mention 'grandad' to my son and he almost goes to pieces because its another big clue to his identity. So what your aunt may think is not really anything could be a huge 'something' and clue for you. Love & HugsJanny

There are so many times when I wished you were here for me... I believe that you walk with me every day.. I silently curse at you at times.. because of the mess you left behind.. I am thankful that you had other people make decisions in your life.. I love your family... They have accepted me unconditionally.. although there are some bumps along the way.. I will recover.. For those that have turned their back on me.. You havn't been in my life long enough for me to miss you... It's your loss for not know who I am or my children.... They will forever remember you as the people in my life that did not want to know me... A stigma that is what it is... You have no height in their world.. I am a good girl.. and everything has been at my expense... I guess there will never be any high fives... Cricket/Susie

Nobody ever prepares you on what will happen when your finally found.. It's been over 5 years for me since I have come home, and each day seems to unfold something new to discover... I often think that it was for the best that I came home and found that both birth parents had passed... That way there would be no blame or finger pointing, or other finger gestures.. I have grown into a very nice adult, I have made my mistakes- recognize them, and know just when I make them.. I have a good job, and have been rewarded adequately for all of my efforts. I have walked through this life without either one of my birth parents next to me guiding my steps along the way.. I think that we adoptees reach an age where discovering all the answers is best when you can emotionally handle the outcome.. There is no reunion book that will spell this out for you.. each person is different, each adoption reunion different from one another.. Nobody's will be more special, and nobody's will be perfect, and nobody's will be without pain... Accept the good and brush off the darkness that you find.. Count on friends and a hot bath to simmer your news... Treat yourself well, as this happens only once if your lucky... chin up... You'll get through these times... Susie/Cricket:battle:

Will change today.. This is a very important day.. Election day.. in a few months from now... Some may still remember the thrills.. some may still be dissappointed.. I will remember that I endured this day.. without you in my life... Your heart beats on Standard Time, just as mine.. My heart is broken... It will mend in time.. I have spent a life time, loving people that are not directly in my life.. Love, Cricket/Susan

Hi Ladies, Just wondered if anyone one could offer advice on how we go about preparing to adopt abroad. Its all ok at the end we want to adopt but what is our first step here in the USA, who do we first contact or do we not need to go through what you do when adopting in the USA? We have had 3 failed ICSI's and 1 natural miracle bfp which ended in m/c so have decided that adoption is now the way to go. We have contacts in Colombia who can sort out matching us with a baby from an orphanage in Bogot but dont know the ins and outs of what happens here in the USA? Is it obligatory to use an agency? Or would I be able to make it directly to save some money? Is it essential to go through panels and paperwork etc or can we just bring baby back to USA with birth certificate and passport and then adopt the child in a years time? Please help? Thanks in advance, Ruth

Another year has passed, and I try to find solace with my reunion.. I agree -- its been for the best I agree -- there are huge steps that one takes to restore so much that has been lost.. I agree -- The sand is running out and I will not have another chance for many reasons.. I agree -- The my birth mother loved me.. I agree -- That she wanted the very best for me.. I just have a hard time with -- Forgiving her At times I tell myself -- When I reach the pearly gates, I am just going to keep walking past her.. I will someday forgive... maybe.. If I don't.. I will have lost out on many happy moments..

I have been reunited now for 8 years.. So much has happened.. Some for the good and some for the bad.. I would not have asked for it to play out any other way.. I am so glad that my reunion has happened at this age in my life... 8 years.... I am still amazed at the outcome of it all~

I'm still here Mom and your not... If tears could bring you back, you would be here already.. Love you on this empty day.. MN

As a close family friend I can only tell you a couple of things you may already know of the family of your B-mom's side. S may have said that she was a horrible mother however, S probably was a "whiner" as her mother put it, there are two sides to be told. There was sibling rivalry, but Cathee really did try her best, however she was ill and it's extremely hard to be a great mother when you are extremely ill. As for her children not visiting her "final resting place", they actually have and all three have her ashes. So in fact the "final resting place" is really in their hands. She had to give a baby up because she was only sixteen, a child herself, who fell in love with a boxer. At sixteen she was also just like any other girl, hanging out with her friends and not properly giving her new baby the proper attention or care. Therefore please don't hold a grudge on the grandmother's part, she only gave up the baby because she thought it was for the best. In fact it was more of Cathee's second husband who mentioned Cricket once to her kids. When Cathee's son went to visit her in MN, his grandmother said he "looks like a Morrison." So far as I recently gathered he would like to take a DNA test to confirm that you are indeed his sister.