Help Please!!! I lied....

I would start introducing her to adoption slowly. The cat and kitten idea is a good place to start. Where did the kittens go? Did someone adopt them? There are a lot of good story books on adoption that you could pick up and read together. You don't have to say nice things about the bmother if there aren't nice things to say. Just don't harp on the bad as your daughter may feel responsible. At 6 she should understand lying. be truthfull and tell her that you were scared and didn't want to hurt her. Ask her if she can think of a time when she lied to someone to not hurt them, or share other times that you have had to do it. The best thing is to approach things slowly and with love and understanding

I will try NOT to give advice, just my experience with telling truths. In our case it was not the truth, but the timing and the venue, perhaps. My parents adopted a baby boy 17 years ago, and on his 7th birthday, we decided to be honest and tell him on his birthday. What a disaster that day was!!! He was happy and all that but while he was eating he started to digest all that information andf I could see how his face started to think and think about the information we'd given him. It was a nightmare, because we had not received counselling before that event. Even though our intentions were right, you can never really tell, how a person is going to react with news like that. Add to that, external situations which may arise that could lead him to make assumptions. I think counselling from a professional helps for you to set the stage and timing for when you DO tell her. Please be careful! Her trust is very important! I know you'll pull through!!!

From an adoptees point of view, honesty is always the best policy. We teach our children on a daily basis to speak the truth, and as adults, we need to practice what we preach!! I am not at all judging you for what you did, because you were in a bad situation, and tried to make the best of it, but it's high time to get the truth out with a counselor's help, before this child gets any older. And I really think that this child will benefit from knowing her half sister and aunt. Sincerely, Brenda....

Well that is actually a bit more of the problem. My daughter does know them. She calls her aunt, her aunt but it is because she is my best friend and her kids call me their aunt. She calls them her cousins because they are her "Aunts" kids. "What tangled webs we weave when first we practice to deceive". So her 1/2 sister who lives with my best friend, she calls her cousin. BUT they all know everything. And her 1/2 sister knows her mom and loves her even though she is unfit and she can't live with her. Thats the problem there...what if while I am cushioning the blow with a councelor, one of the children blab? you know how children are when they get mad or are jealous.... Thankfully i live in another state than they do, but when we have visited, I have been a bundle of nerves. My daughter just told me that one of her male "cousins" told her he was really her cousin and she argued with him and told me that we have been pretending that they are cousins so long that he actually believes it LOL Sorry it actually isn't funny but if you don't laugh you will cry. It is a VERY big mess but I am glad that I have her...just wish I would have been honest from the beginning so I wouldn't be here now wondering when to say anything.

Dear Lettinggo, I understand that you are very upset at yourself for lying. Please dont beat yourself over it. You love that child very deeply, for that you cannot be blamed. I was adopted (black market), and was not told until I was 10 years old. It was not difficult for me. Although I never imagined that I could have been adopted. I looked liked my adopted dad and had many personality traits of my adopted mother. I was told all the time by neighbors how much I looked like my dad growing up. No one ever suggested that I was adopted. I remember that I was sitting in the living room at 10 years old. My mother was bowling, she was a pro bowler, and my little sister and my dad were watching tv. My dad said for us to go take a bath and get ready for bed and then he wanted to talk to us about something. (My dad was a real softy). When we came out ready for bed, my dad was pretending to be asleep. I tried everything possible to wake him up so he could talk to us. He would not wake up no matter how much I shook and yelled his name. It took me many years to put this night and the following day together to come up with a reason he wouldnt talk to me about what ever he needed to talk about. The next day, my mom called me and my sister in from playing outside and said she had something important to talk to us about. We sat down in the living room and she started with how much she wanted children but she wasnt able to have them. She told us we were adopted and how much they loved us and they wanted to tell us before we heard it from the neighbors or the rest of the family. She told me the story of how they went to Georgia to get me and how when my dad saw a little red headed crossed eyed baby and laughed and said no one could say that kid wasnt his. My point in all of this story is that I never once considered my parents to be lying to me. Even when the story came out several years later (when I was an adult) and I learned that I was a black market baby. I never thought of them as lying. They believed me to be their child, I was their child. No one can tell me any different. Although I have a birth family somewhere, no one will ever take away my borrowed heritage and how important it is to me. I belonged somewhere and to someone for 26 years of my life until my parents passed away. I am very grateful for that opportunity. Liars? No way.

I'm sure that now that you have made the decision to let the truth be known, that things will fall into place. You seem like a sensible person, and you will be much happier once the cycle of this lie is broken. God Bless You. Sincerely, Brenda....

Thanks to everyone who responded, especially to Michelle. To me she is mine. No child could be more mine than she is, and she acts just like me as they said about you and you parents :) She is a bright intelligent child and the bond between us is very great not to mention that she is spoiled rotten LOL I do feel relieved. I suppose I was so scared because of all the horror stories. I started to think this morning that reading some of the posts on this site was stressing me out more, but I know that all people are different and all children are different with different responses. I will support my daughter always even if the time comes she doesnt want it because thats what mothers do :) Thanks all