"Adoption Sucks!"..................................

I give all thanks and praise to God, for giving me life. I am truly grateful to my bmom for giving me birth. But the aspect of "adoption", seems so empty!". This is pure torture! I don't even know who I am, or who I would have been had she not "let go" of me. I can't stand not having the opportunity to have shown her how much I love her, need her, and wish she had held on to me. I am thankful to have learned from my bmom, because I will never abandon my children the way she did to me [not all bmom's do this...I KNOW] At this point, I have no respect for the decision, because of what has happened to me since being adopted. She took away my only connection of birth itself. I feel deserted. I do love every bmom that actually takes the time to locate a loving home for their children, I can appreciate that. I still hurt though, for both sides, because their pain will not end...seperation is so unfair. I have changed this post to reflect my sincere effort to better understand....my question: "Why do so many adoptions end up hurting so much?". please respond. DY:(

DY I feel your hurt and anger, but looking at the date of your birth, I can tell you society would not allow single unmarried women to parent babies. There is an element of help given to mothers to be now, back then there was none. In fact if women attempted to parent there was a great likelihood their child would be taken from them, for no other reason that they were poor and unmarried. Do not confuse adoption of today as it was back in your mom's day. It is far different. Young women today do have choices available to them. I make no bones about my dislike of adoption except in extreme cases, I would much rather see resources spent on helping young women parent their babies and sex education widely taught in the schools to both sexes. The grief suffered from years of not knowing is unbearable from a birthmom's point of view. As it is for many adoptees. Just the thoughts of a birth mom circa 1959. who has coped with the aftermath of the trauma of adoption for 43 long years. Rosalind

To clarify a few things, I am writing again. How I come to my conclusions is by two things: I was abandoned by my amom because of her husband. The story is this; My bmom was married to a military man (not my bdad). They are both caucasion. She at some point had an affair with an african american man (my bdad). When I was born, I had blonde hair and blue eyes, so she assumed I was her husbands child. Within two years, my features had changed, I began to look "different" from their other children, and her husband proclaimed to her "Either She Goes, Or I Go.....", so I went. She abandoned me in order to keep her husband. On the other hand, my three aboys were also abandoned (for the third time) by their bmom, who simply brought them to my house (friends of my two b-boys from school) and left. She has been an adict for years. It doesn't matter how many different "words" people call adoption to "justify" the act of abandonment. The actual definition of abandoned (websters dictionary) is: to give up with the intent of never again claiming right or interest in; That is exactly what adoption is in every way. My love for my children, for all children in fact is what I live for....for their sakes, because they don't deserve to ever be left abandoned by anyone. I am 34 years old, I have a college education, and I an in the entertainment industry. I have a deep desire and passion to "stir up" true feelings in myself as well as others...it is not meant to be offensive in any way. God Bless You All! DY

Hi DY. First let me tell you how sorry I am for what you have endured. I suffered abuse, but nothing at all like what you have described. I am afraid I do not understand your stand on adoption in general. If I read your story correctly, yours was anything but typical. Your birthmother is probably the only one who can truly tell her story. And the adoptive parents who abused you should rot. But.......as you have these 3 boys, do you not see them as in a better place with you? Obviously their birthmother isn't the best person to raise them. If not for adoption, where would they be? You speak of feeling an emptiness in yourself. No matter how much you attempt to cover it, this will be seen by your children. To make every attempt to heal is what is best for them. I say this because I understand the feeling that I am not worth it. but my kids are, and knowing this has motivated me to many things I otherwise wouldn't have accomplished. Please take some time for your own healing. It is, I believe, our parental duty. this board can be a great place to be, or a terrible place. One thing that helps it be a great place is a respectful tone of language. Feelings that reflect poorly on birthmothers, or anyone, are best "vented" privately, as many innocents get hurt. There are any number of adoptees who would be willing to lend an ear in times of distress. I offer that to you. But I would ask that you please refrain from things like calling b-moms "quitters". In time you will understand, when you get to know the depth of the pain these women feel. some are a bit rude, but mostly they are wonderful women who should be respected, as are we! Love, Debi

It's hard to hear the whole truth sometimes.......even for myself. But to say I shouldn't voice "my truth", is against all freedom. To state that a bparent that "gives up" their child is "NOT" a quitter would be false. By definition, a quitter is : "one who quits, or one that gives up too easily". Anyone who quits a job, school, or other relationship, usually has the option to either apply for another position, go back to obtain a degree, and repair, renew, or replace a failed relationship. Adoption, by law, is permenant. It can not be "undone", and niether can the vast variety of damages it can cause. Are my 3 aboys better off?.....Yes, in many ways, their "tortures" are over, but their nightmares will never end. They will never forget the things their bmom has done, namely, "why". And their minds will forever be affected by it, just as mine will be towards my bmom. I don't mind being judged here, it actually helps me see the truth. I feel the way I feel, and no one should have the right to tell me NOT to have my own feelings. My children and I discuss every matter that comes to their minds, and a lot of my feelings came to me AFTER my 3 aboys described similar feelings within themselves. We each have bonded in a "relative" ways on these issues, so if by chance they were to find this site, they would not be offended. I speak for them as well. In response to their feelings, I would never condemn them or their bmom. That doesn't mean I must agree. I simply have open discussions, and we all help each other work through the emotions of it all. I believe if more poeple would be more honest, more issues would be resolved because in most relationships a lack of "honest communications" are what eventually tear them apart. Keep it coming........I love to discuss "real" issues!

I doubt that anyone here will tell you not to voice your truth. the matter I brought up was WHERE it is appropriate to voice your truth. When a person insists on "voicing" their truth in a manner that inflicts pain on innocents, their "truth" becomes abuse. To be abusive in the name of truth is a terrible thing. You say you have this emptiness, and your "truth" is a bitter one. As a person's "truth" can be altered with love, learning and healing, perhaps the connection between the two aspects of a life can be revealed. Only you have the ability to fill the "emptiness" And also for your children. This "truth" you speak of will never allow any healing. But the choice is obviously yours. If being polite is offensive to you, I suppose that is your right. But you won't get much help here because eventually your posts that contain insults will be removed. You can decide if that will be yet another "truth" to feel violated by, or understand that it was a choice you made. Unfortunately, I don't think we have yet dealt with any "real" issues. Some "truths" only seem to act as a barrier to any actual communication. Debi

It seems you are offended by my feeling of truth. I have not intended to insult you, or anyone else with that truth. I have not been impolite in my words, only forward. And "LOVE" is all that matters to me......that is why I ache so much from the thought of ANY child being left behind for ANY reason. I can not judge you for YOUR feeling against my own. I can not condemn you for your own feelings about the issue. It is "real" because you speak to me from the heart, the same as I do. If you have read all of my posts, then you would see I am in no way attempting to offend, only to state the facts of MY life. I am not attempting to claim EVERY circumstance leading up to an adoption as a horrible act...I am simply trying to get "real" reactions to "real" feeling within myself and others. If you believe this forum is not useful in doing so, I apologise to you deeply. But trying to cover up, mask, hide, or pretend that this has not actually happened (not only to me)would be insincere. I don't know what else to call it....so please, suggest to me another way to phrase what I am trying to say, and I will do so, so as not to offend you or anyone else. I must admit though, THIS is exactly what I needed...to hear an honest opinion, and I appreciate that so much! I am trying desperately to find a "positive" outlook on the matter. Perhaps you can assist me with one. If I didn't say it....You would not have responded to what I actually feel. I don't know any other way to express myself, except to tell the truth. And everything I have said has been my truth, that's all....it does not apply to every circumstance. Please don't give up on me just yet.....It is not my intention to hurt anyone.

Thanks DY, that was a nice reply. I think the point is to simply remember who is reading what you write. If this were an adoptee only site, there would be more leeway. But, when dear and sweet loving birthmothers are grieving a recent, or not so recent relinquishment; have to read a post that slams them for having "abandoned" their babies, well, there has to be a better way to heal than to destroy someone who is already vulnerable. That is why I suggested private messaging. Only for the times you KNOW someone will be terribly hurt. I am not hurt by what you said, but I hurt for the others that will be. I understand the feeling that SHOCK value will get attention. But it is possible without being hurtful. This is a painful time for many. And this is a place for "support" So..........I suppose that is all I can say. Your healing will happen, and so will your children's. How quickly will depend on the methods you use. The best thing is to be loving and respectful. It gives you a since of calm that allows the actual "truth" to emerge. There is more to "truth" than a bunch of facts. Love, Debi

I am sorry that you feel adoption s***s, some do. I hear your pain in your posts, its good to be angry its the first sign that you are healing from the loss. Its would be a good thing for you to talk to other birthmothers, understanding that some of us did not have a choice. It was not on my to do list to loose my child to adoption, I never even signed any papers, you must also think of these things. It is not a cowardly thing to do, it a life long decision that leaves the mother in pain for the rest of her life. I understand how you could be angry at your birthmother, anger is a good thing. I can see how you could view your adoption as being cowardly on your mothers part, your mother may have been the inoccent in peer pressure, or that of clergy or parents. if she was an addict then therein lies another problem, people in addiction really do not see anything outside themselves, it is a hard fact to see, I hope to see her at a time when you are less angry we are all here to help you grow and come to understanding. Hugs Melissa

My voice here is not of anger everyone......I speak with honesty (abruptly I know) but truth. I in fact do "LOVE" my mother for keeping me nearly two years. My birth mother was not an addict. She gave me up to keep her husband, and it is for those kinds of reasons only I address this issue on birth mothers. I have stated before, I am not intending to apply this feeling in every circumstance to adoption, only those that apply to "giving up" before "trying" to see parenthood through [and those that continue to have children thereafter...keeping those children to raise]. If I met my bmom right this minute I would embrace her in an instant! I miss her tremendously, which is exactly my point. I am left here without her...without knowing her...and yes, that hurts very much, and nothing I do will end that hurt of missing her, not even reuniting with her in the future, because this damage is already done. I'm not claiming bith mothers to be monsters....not at all.....I'm trying to say, that a birth mom MUST contemplate this kind of damage to their child, PRIOR to giving them up. I believe they have pain too, which is also my point. If adoption is so "beautiful", then why do most bmoms AND achildren end up in so much pain?....It is everywhere in these forums.....the pain is abundant, and it is on BOTH venues. My wish, my prayer, is that more bmoms will not choose this kind of adoption [the total disregard]...and I am actively participating in changing the laws of adoption, so that bmoms and achildren can have the legal option to know each other "openly"..........that would be a blessing for many!

Dynamic, I think what Ded is trying to say, far more nicely than I ever could, is that this is an open forum....which means anyone could read what you've posted. That's find and that's good, and truth is a great thing....but as some of my christian friends say Truth is a sword that should never be used to kill your own wounded. Many people who read this site are just starting to recover from difficult choices or are trying to make difficult choices.....Or, in my view even more importantly, are young people who are trying to understand their own adoption experience. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I cringe each time I read someone blast their "truth" without realizing how it could impact someone they love. Think what would happen if your adopted children decide to investigate their own adoption experience----and being young folks in a computer age start on the web. One of the first things they'd learn---on the only forum that "owns" the adoption keyword---is that their mom thinks "adoption sucks".....in other words that they way they became your children "sucks". Now perhaps it isn't specifically your child that learns that lesson....maybe its my future child, or Melissa's birth son or one of Deb's (in birthfamily raised) children---either way, that lesson ends up hurting someone who isn't even in your gun sights. So do I think you shouldn't feel what your feel or convey the message that you have?.....no, I think you should be very vocal----but mindful that truth is a very sharp weapon. We all need to remember that adoption isn't always the best answer---that no one (including, if I may say adult adoptees) has completely pure motives and completely pure actions. And we do need people to remind us that "adoption" has many myths--birthmom's make adoption plans because either they are victims or saints, adoptive parents form families because they are victims or saints etc.

You were conceived during the Viet Nam war when the draft was at it's peak. Many young girls married too fast, watched their husbands go off to war, and ended up having affairs out of loneliness while they were gone. You can moralize all you want, but you didn't live that era. Some of these husbands knew the children their wives had while they were gone were not biologically theirs and accepted them anyway. Many did not (even when race was not an issue) and the marriage ended or the child was placed for adoption. There were also fathers that accepted the child up until "their" children were born, then changed their attitude for the worse. The wonderful thing about this board is that many generations of triad members provide input. Those my age try to pass some insight into events and conditions of our generation. I do suggest you keep an open mind and really read some of these posts. You may better understand your bmoms decision. Occasional venting is healthy, but your efforts to turn your anger into productive activism will make you feel much better in the long run. Best Wishes Trish

It is me again.....I wanted you all to know, that this is exactly the information I am searching for (the truth as I call it). Sometimes, when you don't voice "exactly" how you feel, you will not get an exact response to those feelings. I see a lot better now, from more than my own point of view, which is why I posted in the first place! See...I believe my mother loved me...she kept me for almost two years. What I still have a hard time understanding, is why she chose her husband over her child. As I have stated before, I am not trying to hurt anyone, esp. not birth mothers going through their own pain and turmoil....I am trying to "relate" in some way, to better understand the "reasons" for such a choice, I guess because I could never see myself making this kind of choice. Please keep writing...it is helping me a lot. This statement I made was not from anger but confusion....and I am actively trying to sort through my confusions about the issue. So what I am learning right now is, that birth mom's make this choice because they believe they can not be the "best" mom for their child at that time? Right?. And I somewhat agree that if a person truly feels that they "can not" do something, maybe the best choice is to "let go". I do have other questions though, like, If a bmom makes this choice for that reason, how can she ever be sure it is the "right" choice when it is a 50/50 chance to take? She has no way of "knowing" the person or person(s) receiving her child will take good care of them.....because no "abuser" or whatever is going to openly admit what they are.......so, how is the "selection" determined?.....My bmom did not select a family for me, she just relinquished her parental rights (including those of my bdad and his family [without his knowledge or permission] and handed me over to the state....so that is what I am addressing when I talk about "disregarding bmoms" that give up their children this way. Also, my children are currently involved with these messages, these are also some of their feelings and questions. They want to know too. I am healing everyday from my hurt of missing a woman I don't even know. So are they missing the mom they do know. We, together, are just trying to make sense of it all, from people who actually "know" the why's...the reasons....the answers....that's all this is about. I don't want to cause anyone pain here....I just thought this was the place to ask the "hard" questions we have inside. You all seem to be able to answer honestly. Thank you for writing, we are patiently waiting for more responses.

DY, I am also an adoptee, and I can feel your pain, even though I was adopted as an infant. Everyday it feels like a piece of you is missing, and you want to just lash out at someone or something!! We were adopted in a whole different era than today, at least today's birthmother's have a lot of say in the adoption process.Back in the 60's it was a whole lot different, young girls were forced into adoption and told to just forget about they're babies. I am a Mother now, and I could not for one second even dream about ever giving up my children, I would just have to die, but I know in my heart that thing were different for my birthmother, she was scared out of her wits!! I know your situation is a lot different, and I am so sorry that you have to endure all this pain you are going through. But, I pray Jesus will bring you inner peace. God Bless You and keep you safe. Sincerely, Brenda....

Thank you again for responding to my questions, I have one more, please respond. I realize I may never get the asweres I seek, for myself and my children. So, what do we do with the rest of the questions?...Should we just remain silent?, Hold it all inside?...I mean, part of healing is to "get it all out"...I learned after a nervous breakdown in 98' NEVER to do that again! That was the biggest cause of my breakdown...keeping my feeling bottled up inside because I thought either no one wanted to hear it, or no one cared about it. I TRULY care about my aboys feelings, and I want to give them the answers they seek...as well as my own. I know that no one can give me every answer, but already here, I have more answers than I ever had before. So, should I continue to ask, or just never ask? It isn't that I want to control our feeling, only better understand them, from someone else's perspective (sometimes ours is clouded by personal involvement). Once again, THANK YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! This has really, truly, helped me A LOT!!