I give all thanks and praise to God, for giving me life. I am truly grateful to my bmom for giving me birth. But the aspect of "adoption", seems so empty!". This is pure torture! I don't even know who I am, or who I would have been had she not "let go" of me. I can't stand not having the opportunity to have shown her how much I love her, need her, and wish she had held on to me.
I am thankful to have learned from my bmom, because I will never abandon my children the way she did to me [not all bmom's do this...I KNOW]
At this point, I have no respect for the decision, because of what has happened to me since being adopted. She took away my only connection of birth itself. I feel deserted. I do love every bmom that actually takes the time to locate a loving home for their children, I can appreciate that. I still hurt though, for both sides, because their pain will not end...seperation is so unfair.
I have changed this post to reflect my sincere effort to better question: "Why do so many adoptions end up hurting so much?". please respond.
this post has become a very bitter discussion,, that is so sad,, everyone should be able to post how they feel and not be attacked for their feelings,,, i worry every day that i made a bad decision in giving my daughter up for adoption, i wonder every day if i could have done it alone with no help,, but the past is over and all i have to look forward to is the future and the hopes that my daughter dosent feel the way that the all of you feel about being adopted,,, i also hope that when we do meet it goes good and we are able to work past the past and get on with the present and the future
I agree with you about this thread. We each have many different feelings, different backgrounds, different experiences. Being able to talk about them openly can be helpful - but not if we engage on attacks on others for their views, or, if we express our views in a way designed to cause pain to others.
Sandra, I'm an adoptee, born to a 17 year old birthmother, with whom I recently made contact. If it helps you to know, I have never felt anything but compassion and respect for her. I had a good life, good parents (though certainly NOT wealthy by any stretch of the imagination -- thankfully!, in my opinion), and I know her choice, and her life since, were probably much more difficult than mine.
Anger is usually self-defeating, causing only more pain, IMO. This is particularly so when we cannot possibly put ourselves in someone else's life and know the thoughts, feelings, choices, and circumstances, and instead tell ourselves stories about what they felt, wanted, could have and should have done, etc.
I choose to believe that my birthmother made a loving and difficult choice that caused her enormous pain, and that she has never forgotten me, or regretted that the circumstances were not different -- yes, partially because I truly believe that is so -- but even if I wasn't sure, I would STILL choose to see it that way because it makes me feel far happier than to try to convince myself of the opposite.
But - I was lucky - I was not abused, unwanted, or unloved by my parents -- I know this attitidue must be much more difficult for those who had enormous unhappiness in their adopted families. I am sorry for everyone's pain - and hope that we can find a way to support and help each other find a place from which we can heal.
Haven't posted here in awhile and just caught up.
Jazmin - Your post is out of line, way out of line. Certainly entitled to your opinions and feelings but a direct personal attack on someone is totally unecessary. Disagree with someone all you want but calling them an idiot, failure, welfare trailer park trash? Yep, out of line. And surely you realize that as an adoptee, ChaosJade does have some knowledge and as much right to voice her opinion on here as you do. She's just on a different side of the triad than you are as you are a bmom. You might be surprised one day to find that your child feels the same way and what will you say then? Call her/him an idiot too?
I pray everyday that my children grow up knowing why it was necessary for them to have a new family. I hope they will never feel the way some adoptees do but if the time comes where they feel unwanted, unloved, angry, bitter etc. towards their bparents or adoption in general, that they never come across someone like you who would only add to their pain.
If the personal attacks continue, the thread will be closed.
This is the ONLY warning that will be given.
I am so sorry for the way things have turned out in this thread, I never meant to cause any kind of trouble, I just fear that my daughter is going to feel bitter toward me because i did give her up. All of the attacks on each other is uncalled for, everyone feels different, I am new to this site , and my only intention was to find out how adoptees feel toward their birth mothers , and try to get an idea of what i am going to have to face, in both cases, whether she is happy to find me or bitter toward me , I was just looking for some advice.
Well let me start by saying that I am not angry at my birth mother. Like I said before, I understand that she had her reasons I have no anger towards her or any bmother. I think honestly I just have this thing against adoption in general.
I know that lots of adoptions turn out without any problems, but mine did not turn out good. The feeling of not having a family at all and nobody to turn to hurts me. Searching for somebody brings even more feelings that where deep down. I love this site because so many people share feelings and stories that help me learn and grow.
I have a story that is unique and I will post it tomorrow...
My kids started school today and I have been busy busy busy!!
So if you want to understand me or if you are interested in my story.... well I'll be back.
Good luck to everybody
I was born Jessica K Wallace on 12/27/1974 in Dayton ohio at the Miami Valley Hospital. My bmother Laura Cloud was 15 when I was born. When she turned 18 she left me w/ my grandmother and moved to Florida.
I have been adopted 3 times and the first one was black market through Kettering nurses registry. That is where my grandmother worked. I was placed in Franklin Oh., and my name was changed to Samantha Powell. That placement was to be for only about one year. This is where children services enter my life and I become part of the system. The Powells tell C.H. about Kettering Nurses Registry and they go there to find out what they can. Which actually could all be false... See the office had caught fire and all the files were gone. I was placed in emergency foster care for a short time and then was adopted again. Guess what I also got my name changed back to Jessica but got a new middle and last name.
This family was very wealthy. I traveled to many places. Learned to ski, swim, took classes for everything. On the outside this family was perfect... but for 4 years I was abused physically and emotionally. Have you seen the movie "Mommy Dearest"? Well that is somewhat what I endured. I feel like mine was much worse though emotionally. The sad thing is everybody knew, I was in a private school and my mother would voulenteer just to keep an eye on me. I was taught to do something really well or not to do it at all. I was taken out soccer, ballet, piano, gymnastics. You name it I was in it. Punished for not meeting her expectations. I had two brothers that never got into trouble, they did everything right and I supose I did everything wrong. The family attended therapy to find a solution.
At the age of 8 I ran away. I was on punishment for the night while the parents were out of town. I ran to the neighbor's and told them I was afraid to go home. I thank them for finally doing something. They called the police. The police came took pictures and removed me that instant.
Foster care, phyciatric ward ,and then St.Joseph's. A place for violent children!! I was 8 years old. I should have never been placed there. The expierence was not good. I experienced things things there that were beyond my control. Molestation from other girls. Seeing movies that I was not soposed to see at such a young age. All the things started to get to me. I was not like the other kids there. Yeah we had all been abused and are parents where not around, but I was sheltered. I had spent the last four years in a "christian inviroment" All my stuff was stolen. The kids made fun of me and finally I placed again in another foster home.
I met the most wonderful women.( Joyce)
This lady, though not rich was more of a mother to me than I was used to. We bonded. She had 2 kids of her own and including me, 4 foster kids. Another new situation. Life was moving on and things were ok....
Well here goes more crap, I started to be molested by one of the foster kids. He was 18 and slow. He told me if I told on him I would be in trouble too. This went on for a short period of time and finally I did tell. He was immediately removed but not before he got the crap beat out of him. He was put in prison and it made the paper, which ment I lost all my friends because their parents thought I would be a bad influence. We moved to a new town.
I lived with this lady for 3 years and It was good. She was so nice and sincere.
When I turned 11 C.S. said that they needed to place me in another adopted home. Joyce was temporary. I think the problem was that she couldn't afford the legal ends of the adoption so she had to let me go. It was a bad mistake on C.S.
Placed again and guess what I got another new name. Isn't that GREAT!!!! See as I posted in another post. You ask a child if they would like there named changed, yeah that sounds fun. I can pick any name I want. It's like giving your babydoll a name how fun. I was 11..old enough to know, right?? Wrong.
This last adoption just didn't work because at this time I'm rebelling like mad. Doing anything just to piss you off. Running away, using drugs. I gave up before I even tried. I never gave them a chance to get rid of me, I got rid of them... Thier bson was making sexual advances and when I told, they didn't believe me. So as I'm sitting in the juvenile center I get a visit from Joyce and I tell her everything. They place me there again... Why didn't they just leave me there in the first place???
I started therapy again, but it's wierd cause they found the man that I saw when I was 8. Tom Kotter. He opened my file for me and let me read everything. I saw pictures from the abuse of the 2nd afamily. Just awful. Bruises new and old covering my back and legs. He wrote down addresses for my bmother names phone numbers. He said one day I would find her.
I stayed w/Joyce till I turned 15.. I love her till this day and wished that things would have been different. Finally she said she just couldn't handle me any more.. half way houses drug rehab.. That was actually just something to try because they where running out of places to place me... Lock up for women under age. Scioto Village. It was prison. I had 2 felony charges theft of drugs and falsifacation. 9 months that made me grow up!!
16 placed in my last foster home and was emancipated at 17.
Now at 17 I got pregnant with my first baby. It was at this time that I thought what am I going to do??? I have no family..
Well adoption and abortion not an option and knew what I had to do.
My life now is good. I have 3 wonderful children a good job... I have a family,something I never really had growing up.
It was like a pattern growing up, every 3-4 years I had a new family a new name, I was so scared that someday I would leave my kids or that they would get taken away from me. I smile now because I know that will never happen.
I post when something touches my heart, when I can relate or if I feel that I can offer good advice. I am sorry if I offended anybody.
Well feel free to commit on this and good luck to all of us searching. Good luck also to the PARENTS out there. Having a healthy and loving family is hard work, but to see the love in your childrens eyes and to see them grow and learn is the most rewarding of all!!!
Your story really touched me. It broke my heart to hear of all the horrible things that you had to endure. I am so thankful that you do have your family. Children are really great!! And it's truly great how you have gotten on with your life. I do hope that one day you have total peace in your life. I'm not your mother, but if I were, I would be really proud of you. Well, I am proud of you! You have overcome a lot! God bless you!
there are support groups , online and offline that you can join to ask the questions that u just dont know how to ask, i am a bmom searching for my daughter,, and as i read the things you feel , it really scares me because i pray every night that my daughter isnt bitter or angry. and at the same time i can understand if she is, it has been a long 14 years , and every day i think of her and pray that her Aparents are good to her, i am close to contacting her , but i dont know how , because i dont even know if she knows she is adopted, but the questions you feel like will never be answered,,, look to your higher power , and ask the questions, the answers will be there when u least expect it, have faith and may god be with you all
There have been days when have I felt the same way that you do
and I am sorry that you are having a rough time. These forums can be viewed by all and perhaps your words may offend some people, but remember that your feelings are valid and if you want to share those feelings to get them off your chest; so that you wont offend anyone ,please feel free to pm me because I will listen. anger and sadness if not released can consume you
and let us not forget that the truth shall set you free. I realize that birth mothers may take this wrong and personal these comments that you have made but I believe that this is not about them. It is called venting and we all need to vent at times. who better than those of us adoptees that have been there. Dont feel wrong for how you feel , you have just as much right as anyone else in these forums to express yourself. This is america. Now mind you I am not trying to start a P*****ing contest with anyone in these forums,but it really irratates me when someone tries to tell me how to express my feelings anywhere . I know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate and I am offended that anyone in this supportive environment would dare
tell someone else how they should write what they feel. If someone is offended by that ,then I am sure by the same tools that were used to express their feelings to reply to the original post , will be the same tools you can use to get over it. We are here to support one another not judge them on how they feel including bms adoptees bfs etc:)
thanks for the words and support.
Actually I don't feel bitter or angry, as someone else wrote your past is just that, your past. I have moved on with my life and am a much stronger and open minded person because of all this.
I feel sad that you are so bitter about adoption. I think it is a much better alternative than others and it does help people who are unable to have children naturally. My a-parents tried for years to have children and my a mom had several miscarriages, she adopted my a-brother and then me and we were given very happy and loving lives. I am in the waiting stages of hopefully hearing back from my b-mom...i don't see her as abandoning me, i see her as giving me a wonderful opportunity at life that she probably couldn't provide for me. I wish you peace of mind and a good dictionary.
what did you mean by a good dictionary ? how rude. People have the right to express themselves. I dont believe telling someone to get a dictionary, is a very supportive statement. Compassion and understanding would probabaly be better taken, than a put down from someone who did not wether what others have .My life wasnt bad either ,but that does not make it ok to make condescending statements to those that were not as blessed.
My advice would be to vent your answers and concerns to be able to come to a place where you can go forward without any of the bitterness that is now in your heart. You must remember that if nobody adopts children because "adoption sucks" there would be millions of children around the world without the priviledge of family life. I can tell you from experience that to be a biological child in a not so perfect family is not great either!