"An Abused Person's Perspective"...........

I am trying to read your posts but I am having trouble finding your question, I well understand that when someone is writing their thoughts get jumbled and spill all over the place, Been there done that. Is your question why is their adoption? Are you asking for advice on raising your children in a more positive way? To answer your question why is there adoption, there are several reasons, to list them would be to numerious, some of the reasons are; 1.a young mother with no support 2. an infertile couple 3. abuse or neglect in the bio home 4. financial 5. lack of parenting skills. 6. cohersion or force My true belief, adoption is a money making industry that benifits only the doctors/lawyers and agencies. Please no one fire at me for that. Adoption of today is far different than the way it was truly meant to be, as early as mankind we sent our children to be fostered with other families, why to assure continuation of our lineage, to assure strong children that were not scared of leaving home. The difference between now and then...secrecy, adoption as early as the 30's were announced as if born to, yes adoption in this day and age has taken on another look, but the secrecy and shame that the system made us conform to is still out there alive and well. My sons adoption was none of the above, but even so he was adopted into a family that loves him and he loves back, is adoption good, I dont think so, it has ruined my life. has if affected me Hell yes, would I change anything if I could, I am not sure anymore. In the past three years since I found out what adoption was, I have grown and accepted this as my life. Like you I am a fighter, I am strong. I will survive. Your question about raising your children in a positive light.... Healthy parenting starts with a healthy parent, mentally healthy...seek councilling, parenting courses and support groups on the abuse you have suffered. Hugs Melissa

You ask why is there adoption? Are you actually asking, Why are there bad adoptions? Adoption exists because there are women with children that are not ready to be parents right now. Bad adoptions where abuse exists, I can't give you the why on that one. There are sick people that abuse others in many situations, not only adoption. No, you should never have been placed in either situation you ended up in. I can't say why you were. It makes me angry that anyone would touch a child in a way that would cause physical or emotional pain. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could make you a baby and give you a safe place and let you grow up without knowing that people do bad things to each other. But I can't turn back the clock. If you are trying to teach your children without projecting your negativity about others, I applaud you for that. Children learn from their parents. If you don't want them to learn from your negativity, get help to change it. Seek counseling from someone that has dealt with the problems you faced in the past. When you deal with life on a positive note, your children will learn how from you.

Peggy I am in need of saving to I have pain, can you turn me into a baby and take my pain away:) Hugs Melissa

Beats me. Do they do age regression hypnosis?

In other posts I have asked......If adoption is beautiful, why do both (a and b) end up in so much pain?... How can a bmom be "sure"...when there is a 50/50 chance?... How would my bmom know what I needed...if she never finished trying?.... Is being put up for adoption something I can be thankful about?.... How is adoption any different from desertion?... What makes poeple say "I can't do this?"........ Does any other adoptee feel like "lost luggage?"..... How am I supposed to feel being lost in the system?...... What can I do about it?...... and other statements and questions along this line..........I guess I didn't ask them correctly. So, if I understand right, adoption isn't really a choice?, and bmom's (most of them) TRY to "find" loving homes for their children, right?...ok...so where did the "system" go wrong??, what changed it so much??, so that children like I was got so mixed up in it???....and How can I try to make it better now?..... One more question, How do I explain to my children when to be strong in their fight, and when to give in??...I don't know that myself, I still fight what happened to me, I don't exactly know how to stop fighting......:)

The system screwed up by placing you with sick people instead of in a loving home. How did they do that? Did they not investigate the couples enough? Had the families abused others and gotten away with it? Was there not enough supervision by social services? Could you have trusted anyone in the system enough to tell them what was going on and could they have gotten you out? Children are taught to do as they are told and are often not believed when they tell about abuse from an adult. Sick adults abuse the trust children place in them and do nasty things to their bodies and minds. Sorry, but I still have trouble figuring out how to make it better. Have you asked social services how you could have been placed with such people? Are they still having children placed with them? Let the system know that you were abused and that you are angry about it. Maybe it would be a good way to channel some of the anger you feel about the situation. Lobby for more social workers so that they will have time to listen to the children they place. It's too late to fix what was done to you, but maybe some other child will not have to endure the pain that you did. Not every adoption is a horror story. I'm sorry that yours put you through such a nightmare. Adoption can be a good thing for all involved when the circumstances are right.

My questions and confusions are not led by anger at all. I am extremely curious by nature...and I know, "Curiosity killed the cat". I can't help it sometimes...I am a libra, and a lot of libra's I know are overly analytical. I have no further issues with my afamily [they have all passed away over the past ten years]. This is part of the reason I am left with so many questions, because they never answered much of anything straight forward and honestly. I didn't try to get help through the agency at the time, buecause I was silent until I was 25. I never told anyone (34 now). I often wonder how the agency could deny seeing all the bruises, or figuring out why I barely spoke a single word. I found a document once from my caseworker. It concerned my being taken from my first adoptive family. She stated that "I didn't even cry when I was taken away". If she had only known why......I refused to cry...I gathered every strength I could possibly muster not to cry, and prided myself in being strong enough to drive away, not even "knowing" yet that I was adopted, believeing that it was my punishment for running away from being beaten, and she labeled me "problematic" because of that day. I didn't find this out until I was 23 when my amom told me that was one of the reasons they started beating me right away. She said they thought it was what I needed. I had never been taught to speak out, I had to learn to do it on my own. That was easy either, they certainly didn't want to hear it. Anyway, I only ask these questions to help me better understand the whole process of it, and maybe how I got lost in it. My aparents said they were interviewed, and questioned repeatedly. I was their only child at all. They never adopted again or had bchildren. That is what made me wonder, how my agaency believed they could "know" this, as if they would have ever admitted it or even recognized it as abuse. My aparents NEVER admitted or apologized for anything they did to me. I just want to find out how a bparent can descern who is good and who is not, so I can realize how this happened in my case. Someone must not have done their job correctly in the system "twice"...because BOTH of my placements rendured abuse. I know its rare, but they did [this is Chicago]...and I also wonder if they are still doing this to other children even still. Thank You for being patient with me...I don't know how to ask every question, but I'm learning fast!!! :)

Ok, so "anger" was the wrong way to put it. Pain maybe? If your adoptive parents are no longer living, then they are not causing pain to others. It looks like you are searching for answers to why your birthmom placed you where she did. If you are 34, she likely had no say in the matter. She probably signed papers for an agency and was told that you would have a good home. She never would have known where you were, if you were happy, or even if you were alive. You mention an agency and a caseworker, so they are the ones responsible for the bad placements. You say that your aparents were interviewed and questioned. You also say that you found the caseworker's document labeling you as "problematic" because you didn't cry when you were taken from your birthfamily. It sounds like the problem began when the caseworker labeled you. It may have made you more difficult to place in an adoptive home. Your adoptive parents used it as an excuse to beat you. 30 years ago, I don't know if corporal punishment was banned in adoptions. I don't know how your adoptive parents were able to hide their abuse. I don't know how your caseworker failed to notice the bruises. Was the caseworker overworked? Were you her 100th case she was trying to fit in? If you were labeled problematic, why didn't they seek professional help for you? If you were seeing a therapist on a regular basis, maybe you would have trusted enough to tell him/her of the abuse and it could have been stopped. The only way to have stopped the abuse was for someone to have noticed and questioned the bruises or for you to have found someone you could have trusted with your story. Teachers in schools today are trained to notice and report suspected abuse. Pediatricians are trained to notice and report suspected abuse. Scout leaders are trained to notice and report abuse. This is a change from 30 years ago. Reporting abuse does not guarantee that it will stop, but perhaps it will at least lead to further investigation and give the child a chance to stop it.

I understand what you are saying. I didn't speak out, I was "trained" never to do that [or suffer the consequeces], and I didn't cry when I was taken away "from my FIRST adoptive family", I didn't "know" I was adopted yet, that was the "first" time....I then learned all about it. I guess whats really weird to me, is that when one of my children won't "talk", and if they acted so "silent" and such, I would question "why".....Nobody did for me...so I see, perhaps I was "just a number in casefiles" then. I "know" things like this have changed. I "did" try to tell...I told the police when I ran away....they did nothing[I could see or hear] therefore, it taught me "what's the use..", back then, most "adults" believed other adults..not abused children. I have learned that too. I guess I can never "kiss my pain goodbye", it will always hurt in some way. But Thank You so much for taking the time to help me put it all into perspective...You have helped me a lot!!!! God Bless You in your journey, and msy your quest be satisfied for you. I think you must be VERY loving, to take the time to try and explain this to me......esp. things that are nearly impossible to be "explained"....and I love you for it!!!!! :)

wanttobeparents:Maybe you can answer my questions. The questions are not out of anger but a need to know and try to understand.My bmom CHOSE who she gave me to, I was never legally adopted. She even gave me the first name my amom wanted. So my bmom knew my amom.1. She was 30 years old and had 5 other childern, so why give me up?2. Why give me to someone who abused her own children?3. If see felt that she had to give me up, why didn't she put me up for adoption? I at the least whould have had a 50/50 chance at a good childhood. Thank You, Rayma

Dynamic, it must really hurt to feel the way you do. And no! Abuse is something that never goes away. Although the bruises might be gone, the pain will always be there. Have you tried searching for your bmom? Perhaps that will be a great healing. I would suggest you try therapy as well. It will help you heal. It will teach you when to fight and when to stop fighting... Hope you heal one day.

I can safely say, the system still sucks. I teach two boys at a middle school in Baltimore MD. They were actually staying with my husband's cousin, who loved them greatly but, did not have the means to give them the help they needed because of the system. They were placed with her rather quickly because their current foster parents were abusing them. Because of the system they were not able to provide the counseling they needed. It was a state issue and refusal for Maryland SS to provide counseling in a relatively close area to where they reside (in southern PA). She went above and beyond to try to provide for the boys now, ages 12 and 13. Despite their current situation, in abusive foster home again, they are straight A students who are extremely respectful to adults in school. Very pleasant young boys who do not get caught up in the teen crime in the neighborhood they now live in. They live in a neighborhood that has mainly section-8 or rental town houses. I overheard the now foster Mom, as she was taking them out of school one day for an appointment, to "hurry the F up, we aren't going to be late because of your F - - - -ing slow ***." NICE. She keeps saying she is going to adopt but, has made no move to further pursue this. Of course she is in this for the money. For each child she is getting over $1000 per month and gets free doctor care through the state, also gets stipend for other foster children she houses. If the children have special needs or are learning disabled she gets almost twice as much. Those boys are neglected and abused but, as an educator how do I prove this is happening? There are no visible bruises and they do not share any of the verbal abuse that is happening. They are embarrased. The system is still really screwed up. I feel they still would be with my cousin if the system provided for their needs as they should have. I pray for these boys to be well and loved as they deserve to be every day.