So confused and don't know what to do :(

Adopting children that come from a line of drug abuse and mental illness can be a very difficult road. A lady from my church is going through this now with her son. His bmother and bfather have both been in and out of jail and had drug problems. The mother suffered from bi-polar disorder and so does the child. They have had a very difficult time with him. There is a lot involved such as many medications for aggressive behaviors, private schooling, and protecting their other children. I think it is a wonderful thing to adopt these precious little ones. After all these things are not their fault. I do believe that you must be prepared for anything. It is a exhausting job. You need to have a strong marriage and prepare for the good as well as the bad. :D spete

A lot depends on how old this little girl is. Is she very young.....preschool, school aged? Has she had a lot of placements before you? Within our six children (all adopted), we have adopted three 'through the system'. The youngest was three....the oldest seven upon placement. One has turned out to be a total nightmare. However.......the other two have dx's of FAS and FAE (FAE= fetal alcohol effect). The child with FAS has all the facial features of fetal alcohol.........but not the retardation that can co-incide with FAS. He DOES have LD in math.....and even though he is only 11yrs.....he has the reading ability of an 8th-9th grader. (And he is very bright in remembering anything he reads). He is in regular school. I will tell you that the child with FAE has non-specified LD.....and we are seeing more of this as he gets older (grade school age now). To address the behaviors.........I'm more inclined to believe these are caused by factors you have written about-------birthparents' lifestyles.......possible foster moves, etc. And......all three of the older children have had and continue to have these. The behaviors have DECREASED considerably.....but they still remain. As I said, I would be more concerned with the possiblity of foster moves, many foster parents, etc. If this is the first time this child has been out of the bio home.....this is a plus to you IF......this child is very young. Truly, the younger the child....the greater your success in decreasing or even correcting the negative behaviors the child has. As to the bi-polar........this is only a possiblity that the child could inherit it. There IS a pre-disposition.....but it's not a definate. Has there been suspicion from MD's that this child may be showing signs of bi-polar? And.....IF this is an older child........oftentimes, a diagnosis of bi-polar is given, instead of RAD (reactive attachment disorder). If RAD is a possiblity......AND this is an older child.....you have a LONG ROAD AHEAD of you. We have traveled this road, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There are those who believe RAD can be 'healed'.......I personally don't hold that opinion .......AT LEAST in older children. (Decreased, perhaps.....but not 'healed'.) Has this child been diagnosed at all by a professional? If not, perhaps you can have an assessment conducted before making a decision too. There are a lot of factors that come into play with all of this depending on the age of the little girl. Most sincerely, Linny

Kathy, If you are truly terrified of FAS and mental illness and are not ready to deal with it if the baby does end up with them, pass on the opportunity. I take it that you have educated yourself on both of these and still feel uncomfortable about them. By education, I mean reading and talking to professionals as well as parents dealing with the problems. Many problems seem insurmountable. Balance the worst possibility with the best possibility. If you can live with the worst, then this is right for you. If you cannot, don't set yourself up for heartache. The right child for your family will come. I wish the best for you. Peggy

Hi again. The child is a infant. She's almost 4 weeks old now, born on my husband's birthday, March 2nd. So we have no idea of any FAS or any mental problems because she is so young. The only thing we are going on is her mom's history. She shows no facial features of FAS, although we know that it's hard to tell when they are this young. At least we wouldn't have to deal with the RAD thing! That's one good thing going for us here. She is just sooooo adorable and we want her so bad but are trying to be realistic here. We had said in our homestudy that we didn't want mental illness in the birthfamily and did not want a FAS child. The reason we found out about this baby was sort of in a roundabout from a foster mom who told us about her. Anyhow, since we met her, held her, fed her a bottle, we have become attached aready, believe it or not, and it has been very difficult for us to decide (for now!) not to take her. We want her! If we hear any positive info about her birthfamily or find that the one adopted sibling of hers is doing well we may change our minds. Thanks again! Kathy

Two comments. The good news IS that she is an infant! The other news (and not necessarily 'bad')......is that you are correct.......she would probably be too young to distinguish the FAS facial features, and the extent of drug involvement. Peggy brings up a VERY GOOD POINT. For whatever reasons you have stated in the beginning that you did not want a child who risks mental illness or FAS........you should consider the worst scenario. I do not know your reasonings, but you should consider that there IS this possiblity within this baby....infant though she may be. If you know in your hearts that you cannot deal with the reality that she may, indeed have both conditions........you should wait until the right baby comes to you. I realize that she is adorable and you are already feeling attached......but imo..........you should also realize that in the future, she may show the symptoms of conditions you do not feel comfortable with. The choice must be a tough one......but should be considered, I think. That said, there is always a risk for practically anything with adoption...........the part that most people leave out is that there is ALWAYS a RISK for practically anything when GIVING BIRTH too. I know of no one who knows ALL of their past roots.......hence, things like mental illness can also present itself within our genetic makeup-----even though the biological parent shows no signs. Drug exposure is definately a different matter; but I think some folks forget just how risky having any kind of baby can be....... Your choice must be difficult. I wish you the best....and please know that whatever you choose, there are many of us here who will support you whichever way you go. Most sincerely, Linny

Hi again, everyone. I want you to know that I really appreciate everyone taking the time to give me feedback. It helps to talk to people who really understand. I know we'll be making the right choice by not taking the baby but it is just so sad! I mean, you look at this precious little baby and think, Oh, everything will be just fine with her. But I know that that may not be the case. I really want to take the chance with her but I'm scared! We still are expecting a call from the social worker with more info but unfortunately our time is almost up to make the decision. Thanks again, and will let you all know what happens. Kathy

Kathy, In one of your messages in this thread you stated We had said in our homestudy that we didn't want mental illness in the birthfamily. Based on this it would be irresponsible of an agency to place this child with you since she has a mother with 15 years of mental illness. It's not like in your homestudy you said "willing to consider on a case-by-case basis" - you flat out said it was something you did not want.