bonding during the first year

...that we are born with some innate personality traits, but much of how we interact with the world around us is determined by our environment and the bonding we experience in the first months and years of life. My daughters' birthmom was very specific about not wanting any visit until the girls were 6 months old. She said she wanted to wait because that was such an important bonding period, but then wanted to see the girls at 6 months, in part, to reassure her that they were bonded to us as their parents. So far, we've only had the one visit due to geography, but will probably have more in the future. Thanks for sharing the info!

I tend to agree with you. Yes, we have innate elements that exist genetically.....but how those elements are applied is what determines so much of what a person is. Those elements are applied, I feel, according to how they are nurtured and encouraged during that 0-12 month period. We have adopted babies(newborn) and older children (3yrs and up). I argued for years that 'there surely couldn't be a difference in the bonding'. I feel I was wrong. As for our experiences........there is a difference. And I think that difference is that first bonding of momma to baby. I agree....there are always exceptions. But in our experiences....this has turned to be true. Yes, we are bonded to the older kids.....but not like the baby adoptions. Which is why now...more than ever....I cannot understand the foster care system....nor can I agree with agencies that place newborns in their own foster care program while awaiting ICPC approval or revocation periods. There's just such a wealth of such important bonding that occurs during those first few days, weeks, and months........ Just my two-cents.... Sincerely, Linny

This is certainly an important topic, to me. Bonding during the early years, especially during the first year is so important. As parents, we know the importance and I am happy the research has begun to catch up with what we already know. Thus, eventually helping in the area of bonding with a child who was not been able to bond with a nurturing caregiver as a child. This is truely a difficult job. It is not impossible, but at times may feel that way. There is such a lack of trust, due to the many times as a baby he/she did not get his/her needs meet. It is hard to believe that the love will continue. I agree, there are so many problems with the foster care system. I work in foster care with children who have attachment issues. It is difficult to help the foster parents understand the core issues behind the behavior. Most are very good with structure and rules, but lack the nurturing and love. It is this combination which will help heal the pain. I am sure this is asking a lot from my foster parents, because the behavior is so exhausting. Just some more thoughts. Thanks for all the input. Cindy Hill-Ford

My hat is off to any foster or adoptive parent that can maintain 'these kids' in their homes. It is often a dangerous and violent 'world' in dealing with them. We have adopted a son almost seven years ago who has reactive attachment disorder (among other things). Long story short....had the system given us all pertinent info before adoption (we now have the paperwork from an attorney).....we would never allowed him in our home. He now lives in a residential home (second one...first asked for him to be moved after three years). He lived with us for four years. Those years were nothing short of living with a demon. We had tried every kind of therapy...and now, going into his fourth year (in RTC)....there is no connection to him. Oh yes, verbally.....but not emotionally. He has caused great harm to all of our kids; and fortunately, he left before someone was killed. I believe that our attachment therapist stated that it was Mr Hughes who believed that not every child can be 'healed' from reactive attachment disorder. You say that you work with foster parents. It was (and continues to be...even though he lives away)......the hardest thing we have had to do----dealing with him. He is relentless...the SAME excuses, comments, actions, are repeated over and over again....the SAME ones we heard almost seven years ago. This alone is exhausting. I will be the first to say that it is very very hard to see him as a young man......and not as something other than human. He is this way, because even though he was taken from the home before two years of age......a great deal of the damage had already been done. Combined with the fact that the system continued with visits with bios---unsupervised, at times, we're told. Combined with the fact that when---at age 3.5 he was admitted to a psych ward and remained there for almost 1.5 months...the system merely passed him around in foster care and did nothing to help his attachment disorders. His bio sister (also adopted now) has the same problems---though she is now able to maintain in a family unit. Society will suffer at his hands---if he is ever out on the street. Reading his bio parents' stories....it is not surprising that they seemed to grow up with the same neglect as he. Yet, they were allowed to visit and produce more children! I do not think 'healing' of severe neglect can be done in many cases. Certainly, it depends on how young the child is when a long-term, consistent nurturing environment is brought into view. Unfortunately, by the time these kids are freed for adoption....it is too late. Sincerely, Linny

Linny, Thank you for sharing your pain in such a honest and realistic way. I appreciate it. I do share your views on that not every child can be saved. Yes, this has been my experience as well. I agree that it does depend on the amount of damage done while the children are living with their bio. families, as well as the amount of damage caused by the system. Often, well intentioned professionals can cause a great deal of damage. Even worse, not so well intentioned professions, huh. I am sorry to hear the pain that your family has experienced and I do understand that it was such a difficult decision, but one that sounds like needed to happen for everyone's safety and benefit. I struggle with the visitation rights of the bio families, especially those who are not actively involved in treatment. It truely is an outrage that your family was not given the appropriate information regarding your son's mental health or his previous history. It does sometimes feel that social worker's just want to close cases at any cost. Hang in there. It has been a traumatic experience for all involved. Thanks again for sharing. Cindy

I AM SO HAPPY TO FIND THIS THREAD. I REALIZE IT IS AN OLDER ONE. BUT FOR ME IT IS PERTINATE RIGHT NOW. I AM A FOSTER PARENT TRYING TO ADOPT A LITTLE BIY. HE IS 14 MONTHS OLD. WE HAVE HAD HIM SINCE HE WAS 5 WEEKS OLD. I HAVE MET HIS BIRTH FAMILY. HE SEEMS TO BE NOTHING LIKE THEM PERSONALITY WISE. HE IS LIGHT HEARTED AND VERY HAPPY GO ;LUCKY. HE IS A VERY WELL BALANCED LITTLE PERSON FOR HIS AGE. JUST YOUR AVERAGE CHILD. HIS BIRTH MOM WANTS HIM BACK. WE ARE HEADING FOR A BATTLE I AM SURE. WE WILL FIGHT FOR HIM TO THE VERY END. AS FAR AS THE LITTLE PERSON HE IS DEVELOPING INTO, I TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR ALOT OF IT. ALSO MY HUSBAND. WE HAVE LOVED AND NUTURED HIM FROM A VERY EARLY AGE. WE HAVE BONDED WITH HIM VERY TIGHTLY. HE FEELS SAFE AND SECURE. IT IS VERY EASY TO SEE. MY PRAYER IS THE HOPE THAT ALL THE JUDGES AND LAWYERS INVOLVED WILL ALSO SEE. I PRAY THEY WILL SEE HOW HAPPY HE IS AND JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE. OPRAH WINFREY- BIOLOGY IS THE LEAST OF WHAT MAKES SOMEONE A MOTHER

Hi Fostermommy2002, I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and your family; yes it does sound like you have a battle on your hands. I am sure your son is so secure and safe in the world because of all of your love, nurturing and bonding. I am at a loss for words around the court battle. I support you and your family 100%, I hope you have good legal counsel to help you through this. It is the pratcie of California to have a 18 month reunification period once a child is placed in foster care. During this time, the county social workers are working with the bio. mom to work through what is standing in her way of parenting. Bascially if she does what they tell her to do in terms of counseling and parenting classess, they will try reunification. This is a very difficult; I have seen where reunification does not work and the child is left one more time. I am sure you are aware of all of this and I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster ride you are on. Hang in there and be good to yourself. We are thinking of you, sending you postive thoughts and support. Cindy

let me first start off by saying i realize that you have had a bad experience with your son , and not every child cannot be saved and surely not every child wants to be . but as for your comments i find them to be offensive and overly repulsive just because it didnt work for you in your home situation , that gives you no right to belittle this child on the web sure share your experience but to refer to someone as not being human i think that reflects your level of intellgence , which to me is sub-human. let me also say that maybe your son wasnt the problem with a attitude that was displayed in your message , his actions may have come from your treatment of him again i find your comments utterly childish and repulsive and do us all a favor share your experiences but dont berate someone

jcup, you must not have ever lived with a child with RAD. We have, three times. The first child we had almost cost us everything we had. After trying with all our mights, for one year, we had to have her removed from our home. Have you ever had a child removed bc you feared for your life and the lives of your children? Did you ever have to lock a child in a room and sleep in that room with her, laying in front of the door so you could keep your family safe? Did you ever say your prayers at night begging God to give you the strength to keep your family safe and INTACT and then have your heart feel like it was ripped from your chest bc you were not able to have that prayer answered? If not, then please don't judge anyone who has gone through that. Having a child leave your home is the most devastating feeling in the world. Not only do you feel badly for the child, but you feel terribly guilty for "giving up" on a child to whom you promised to love and care for forever. The pain is immense! As to the sub-human comment, I guess you never looked into a blank face of a child who could kill you just as easily as kiss you. My youngest children had not developed any sense of empathy for anyone or anything else, bc NO ONE ever showed them how. At 2 and 5, left untreated, they were headed to a RTC. In fact one therapist had totally given up on the youngest when she was 3 and told me she WOULD end up in an institution. She recommended splitting the siblings up bc of the abuse they did against each other. My youngest choked her brother until he almost passed out. She was 3 1/2 yrs old. When she'd hurt someone, she'd have a look on her face of pleasure. She ENJOYED seeing other people's pain. Have you ever seen that look? I'm sure Linny knows exactly what I'm talking about! There comes a point where a child needs to make the decision him or herself on whether they want to change. Linny would never have placed her son in RTC if he had chosen to WANT to heal. She had to keep her family safe though. What would you have suggested she do? Wait until he killed someone and then let the authorities place him in jail? You obviously DON'T know anything about kids with RAD, bc if you did, you would know how that people always blame the mother for being angry and at fault. This mother tried for a VERY long time! She did the best she could for a very difficult child. Read "When love is not enough". You'll see some of what she went through.

Sorry about my previous post. I went back and read your profile. I didn't realize you are not yet a parent. I thought I could handle anything before I actually had kids. I read all the books and talked to all the right people. I am a college graduate with a degree majoring in nursing and two minors, one in child development and one in psychology. I graduated with a 4.0 average (out of 4.0). I thought I had all the answers. The problem is that none of my kids had gone to college, nor had they read the books I had. Too bad! They could have learned how they were SUPPOSED to behave!