What should I do about this letter??

It seems as if the birthmother's new husband is really trying to consider what is best for his wife - and something that causes her pain would appear not to be in her best interests. It also seems that he has some other experience with family who has adopted - and he considers ongoing contact a "nuisance". However, your post-adoptive contact contract is NOT with this man. It's with the birthmother. While her husbands wishes should be considered, they certainly should not rule the day. First question I would ask is: does the state in which you adopted have laws making post-adoptive contracts binding? If so, neither party can go back on their agreement without legally changing the contract - so you legally have to continue to abide by the contract until it is shown that it is not in the best interests of your child. Even if your state doesn't make those contracts binding, you're continuing to abide by the agreement shows that you are honorable, upright individuals with the best interests of your child at heart. And that leads to the most important question: what IS in the best interests of your child? Obviously you believed that some kind of on-going connection with his biological mother was in his best interests long term, or you wouldn't have agreed to it to begin with. Have his best interests changed? Most likely not. The birthmother's new husband certainly isn't thinking of what is best for your child... he obviously thinks women can simply bear children, relinquish them, and forget about them. On the flip side, there's obviously some issues around this between the birthmother and her new husband. Getting in the middle of that is probably not in YOUR best interests. So how do you proceed? I think I'd discuss this with an attorney. Not to start legal action, but as someone who knows the laws in your state and can provide some guidance. I'd also talk to the agency through which you adopted. They may be able to contact the birthmother themselves and serve as some form of intermediary. Bottom line: keep doing what you're doing and keep your child's options open for the future. Good luck to you! Kristie Adult Adoptee 12/22/71 Tacoma, WA

In my humble opinion, I believe the kindest action would be to check with the birthmother herself to see if this is what she actually wants and that she is aware of the letter her husband sent you. Perhaps you may want to make such inquires through the agency or lawyer through which you conducted the adoption. Personally, I have found that it is not uncommon for birthmothers to cry themselves to sleep for days after receiving a pictures and correspondence from the adoptive parents. Yet, of the ones I have spoken to, they still value these things and would be very hurt upon not receiving them. What I am saying is that it is possible that this woman's husband misunderstood her reaction and intervened without her knowledge nor her consent. It is also possible that she was not emotionally capable of requesting the cessation of correspondence with you, so instead she asked her husband to do it for her. Either way, it seems to be important to get this information from the horse's mouth, metaphorically speaking, even if it is via your lawyer or agency, if you have not attempted to do so yet. Good luck in whatever course of action you decide to take. Lyn

Sounds like a control freck he me may be abuseing the birthmother. Maybe you should send the letters to the agency I lived with control freck and this sounds like one I hope she wake up and see the husband for what he is for. by for now Mary Mumby Ramirez

My take on this letter is this: the open adoption agreement is between you and the BIRTH MOTHER--NOT between you and her husband. To terminate the agreement, I would want this request to come directly from the BIRTH MOTHER. I would not accept anyone else's requests... Yes, I would DEFINITELY contact the bmom independently to see if the wishes expressed in her letter were really her wishes, or the wishes of her husband or someone else. I'd hang on to the momentos that were sent back--in case these things were sent to you by the bmom's husband without the bmom's knowledge. As a birthmom myself, I can't imagine sending a letter like that, even if I wanted no further contact. Looks very suspicious to me... If you contact her and she says that her husband sent the letter, and she DOES want contact, but it's risky to her do to because of him, then set up a post office box that only she has a key to... and if she does say she wants no further contact, request a permanent address so that your child may find her later.

> you must understand that your joy comes at the expense of extreme pain to ****. You are not causing the pain.. She is grieving the loss of her child. He is trying to protect her IMO. Trouble is I don't think it works. But that is for her to sort.. Take care of that precious baby.. Jackie

FYI - this thread was started last April by NCMom. Another thread with the exact same post by NCMom started another thread that had 55 responses last April. There was a final update posted on that thread by NCMom, which was her last post on the forum that stated: "Update: Well, I heard back from my friend today. Apparently our ** is recovering from minor surgery and really couldnt talk. She had had her tubes tied at the time she had our son, and apparently she has had it reversed, because they are going to try to have a baby. But my girlfriend talked to her husband and relayed to him our concerns over his letter. His reply was so hateful against us I can hardly catch my breath.

First of all he said that he thinks we took advantage of her and her situation at the time. Secondly, he thinks that our sending pictures and letters of our son is "rubbing it in her face". He referred to us as "monsters" and even blamed us for our birthmom deciding upon sterilization. He said "Well, at least we were able to undo THAT damage!!" We had nothing to do with her deciding to get her tubes tied!! I never advised her one way or another on the matter. And the last bit of venom was, "You tell those people if they ever harrass my wife again, I will get a restraining order and when **** does get pregnant again, dont come sniffing around!!!"

Well, it seems to me, that is as they say, that. We still are not sure if she knows about all this or not, but it is starting to sink in that we will never hear from our beloved birthmom again. I dread that she has been influenced to hate us now. All my hopes for my son one day knowing his biological family are in tatters. Now what am I supposed to tell him when he gets older?? Ive been reading posts here from adoptees and I thought I was so blessed because my son would never have to be plagued with all the questions.

I am absolutely crushed. Just thought I would let those that see this thread that was reactivated today, know what the result was, three days after the original post last April.