Advertisements
We received the following letter today, certified mail, along with all the pictures and keepsakes we have ever sent our birthmother. I am absolutely devastated and have no idea what to do next. The thing is, its not even from her, but her new husband. We have had such a wonderful close relationship. Should I respect his wishes??? Should I contact her independently??? What if she doesnt even know about this and just thinks we abandoned her?? Pleas read and give me your thoughts!
Dear Mr. and Mrs. *****,
I must request that you immediately cease and desist sending pictures, e-mails or correspondence of any kind to my wife. While Im sure that you enjoy sharing your son with family and friends as any parent would, you must understand that your joy comes at the expense of extreme pain to ****. I would hope that in light of her sacrifice to you, that causing her pain is not something you are enjoying. My wife cried for days after receiving your latest letter. Her pain is unbearable to witness, and is a disruption to my family.
My brother and sister in law find their post adoption contact agreements with their daughterҒs natural mother quite a nuisance 9 years later. While these agreements may have seemed like a good idea at the time, it is an intrusion on the adoptive parents, and now that I have seen the other side of the coinӔ a cruel slap in the face to the natural mother. Im sure you also will reach the same conclusion at some point, if you have not already done so, so let me take the opportunity now to relieve you of your burden. I find it commendable that you have abided by your agreement to this point; however continued reminders of this tragic event are no longer in ****Ғs best interest. It is time that she forgets his existence and move on with her life. With that in mind, I am returning his pictures.
Only contact in the event of extreme medical emergency in the future will be tolerated, and I will determine if that contact is really necessary.
Regards,
****
Like
Share
Advertisements
Huh....? Huh. Well, while this is all very interesting, it is theoretical at this point. No one has filed any restraining orders yet, have they? (Correct me if I'm wrong.) If and when that happens, you will certainly be warned in advance that there is a restraining order against you. I hope it doesn't get to that point. Right now, I believe it's premature to worry about it. Don't let fear of legal repercussions influence your decision about what action to take, if any. Sincerely, Sharon
I doubt very seriously he can get an order of protection,the aparents have in NO way threatened anyone and I'm sure it would be harder than heck to get one on the grounds that she mailed items, that she has a written agreement to mail, to the house. There HAS to be a good reason or threat in order to get an order.
there are two types of restraining orders. one for actual physical abuse or threatened abuse...the other for harassment. IF she says NOT TO SEND LETTERS to her anymore, and they (aparents)still do or if they think once a year is still something they feel they should do, then yes, she can get a restraining order against them. the husband saying this on her behalf doesn't count as her saying it. she needs to say it in writing.
I know this because a guy i broke up with kept sending letters to my mom's house and kept leaving stuff at my door step like self help books and cards that say "you never loved me, did you" and he emailed me whenever he found out my email. he stopped doing it for a few months but then he will drop a letter in the mail to my mom and it drove me crazy until I got a harassment restraining order against him. it went on for 3 years! if you want someone to stop bothering you, then that is what you have to do otherwise they think they can just keep doing it. even if he didn't threaten to physically abuse me, it still hurt me and my privacy.
What I am saying is if the guy does call the police he could tell the police to tell the adoptive parents not to send things to his house or call his house. My uncle who is a cop said the guy has a right to do this if he pays the phone bill and the rent and if the rent lease and phone is in his name.
Advertisements
Like for instance I live with my parents and the phone bill is in my parents names and they have a right to tell my friends not to call their phone number. Also since my father owns this house he has a right to tell me not to get mail here. Just like this girls husband if he pays the rent and phone he has a right to tell whoever not to call there or send anything.
omg i CANNOT believe the nerve of this guy! I'm sorry but he sounds like a total control freak/emotional abuser.
If the bmom of your son did not want contact anymore then I'm sure she would have let you know, or even if she asked her husband to write to you , that would have been mentioned in the letter.
the fact that he said something about it upsetting his "my family" raises another red flag of an emotional abuser, "my" is a very familiar word spoken by many EA's.
He appears to know what is best for his 40 somethign year old wife - give me a break. My hubbys stuff would be in the trash and the locks changed if he even dreamed about making a decision like that for me.
Unfortuanetly for your son's bmom it sounds as though she may be in antoher abusive relationsship (emotionally, but still abusive), I have a BIL like that , he "always" knows what is best for my sister, he has cut her off from almost all contact with her family and friends - twists things around so she thinks he is looking out for her welfare when all he is doign is isolating her.
This guy seems to be very contradictory in his writing since he has a brother who has adopted.
and if anyone ever dared tell me to "forget my son" in this day and age, well lets say they wouldnt be telling me anything else or talking to me again.
I feel very sorry for your son's bmom, if in fact she is in the situtation it appears to be from the letter. Also for you son, as he is losing out on knowing someone who loves him, hopefully you have resolved this by now, I know this happend a year ago but i was just reading postings tonite.
I wish you all the very best and hope that you still have the contact that you and the bmom wanted to begin with.
Hey Brenda, Good to see you. Was afraid we had lost you.
We still have no contact, but I am remaining in touch with her Mom. From what she says she really is happy with this guy, so what can you do? I am in the process of another adoption now, and hoping this one will REMAIN open.
You know you read all the time about the Aparents who close open adoptions, but it is just as heartbreaking when the Birthparents close it. I am just hoping this closure is not forever.
Advertisements
I think you should try to get in contact w/ the bmom. Until then it will be driving you crazy!! If the bmom doesn't want any contact or info on her birth son then I think you should put pictures and imp. things away in a box. People change their minds and if she does later on, then she has some of the past that she's missed out on. Good luck w/everything!
:D DEBRA
This guy is Scary!!! He sounds controlling and threatening.
Maybe even threatened by her love for your son.
Since you have had a wonderful relationship with your son's mom she is the one who you need to address over these issues.
HE IS YOUR CHILD AND HER CHILD AS WELL!! It is not her husbands child in anyway.
Please contact her- Go right past him! Be sure she is alright with no further contact. So what the husband gets his shorts in a bunch Mothers will fight any enemy that threatens their childs welfare.
This is a life time commitment you have with your son and his birthmother. They are the ones who will suffer if this husband is putting in his 2cents where it dont belong.
Consider how your son will feel years from now, that this happens and you were not sure. Dont be afraid all that can happen is you will find out this letter is the truth or that it is a lie.
Either way you will have answers for the questions your son will ask about this when he is older.
Wishing you well,
Donna
This is all so sad. I am glad to hear you are still in touch with your son's birth grandmother. If you are sending letters and pictures to her, make certain you keep copies of all of them for your son, this way he'll see firsthand your efforts and how seriously you took maintaining this relationship. This is also a good idea in the (hopeful) event his birthmother contacts you again, since without meaning to some of the things sent to her mother could be lost.
Anyone else concerned that this man made an seemingly independent decision for his wife, and it appears without her knowledge, cutting her off from her biological child and the adoptive parents???????????????????????
Not only does this send up red flags adoption-wise, I would tend to be slightly concerned about the relationship and safety of a birthmom in a relationship with someone this controlling if indeed she has no knowledge of this letter!
I'd definitely attempt to contact her personally (phone or physically) to determine if this is coming from her or from an inconvenienced husband.
Apologize if overreacting, but have had experience with abusive husbands and this reeks of one.
Inga
Advertisements
I think that the birthmother should have written the letter herself. You never know if her husband really knows what she's feeling or not. I think you should possibly contact her independantly to see if she really feels that way or if it's the husband's doing.
I received three photos of my daughter after her adoption, and I have to admit that it was very upsetting, but at the same time, I really wanted to see her grow up. Unfortunately, after the third photo, I never received anymore...but I wish I had.
If she does feel that it's disrupting her life, you could always save letters, pictures and keepsakes to give to her at a later time.
I don't think she should forget about his existance, though. That's something a birthmother should never do.