Am I wrong to be angry with bm?

If your daughter is too young to understand, then why should the birthmother call? Perhaps she is interested in contact with her daughter, but realizing the child is not old enough to benefit from or appreciate contact, is waiting until later. However, you're not wrong to feel angry. Feelings are not right or wrong, they're just there. If this is causing resentment, please discuss it with the birthmom, tell her how you feel and explain exactly what you'd like from her. The only way to improve the situation is by everyone being open about their feelings. Hope everything works out for you and your family! Sincerely, Sharon :)

Sharon, I guess I have a dirfferent view on how the relationship b/t birthparents and afamily should be. Yes, my daughter is not old enough to realize that she has a bm, but I know and we are a family.As a family we call other members on their b-days and holidays. This bm is the type of person who will tell us, I will call you tomorrow at such and such time and we never hear from her. We have twice sat her down and discussed our feelings and what we expected and what she was feeling and what she expected out of this relationship. At this time I feel the groundwork is being set for when my daughter is older. There are days I want to give up on this girl, but I know that would not be good for my daughter. Numb1bdcksfan, thanks for your input. I do FEEL bad for my daughter and what the future holds for her. We have no contact with her bf. He is not the type of person one would invite into their life. He is in his mid 20's and is a convict with a drug problem. He acknowledge's that she is his daughter, but not that we are her parents. He blames bm for the adoption. Bm is parenting a child. She has a 9th grade education and lives in poverty. We were told by the case worker before the first meeting with bm, that even though she was almost 20 her maturity level was that of a 14 or 15 year old. She never asks how *** is when we talk. She only talks about herself. For example, at a visit we had. She came into our home not saying hello to anyone and starts going on about her hair and how she got her nails done and her new driver's license. She was very anxious to get out of our house, she did not even say good bye to me or ***. I love my daughter with my heart and soul and I want to protect her, and I feel that her bp's are going to create a lot of hurt in her life.

I'm sorry Sylvester.... I did not realize you had discussions with her in the past and that you talked about what you wanted from her. I did not realize you sat down with her 2x and discussed your feelings. I misread your post. It is wrong for someone to say they will do something and then they do not. I would be very upset to. Forgive me for misreading your post. You have every right to be upset with her. I would be also, if I was in your shoe's.

It's the birthmother's job to explain her own actions and choices. Attempting to explain for her could be incorrect and could set a pattern to have to deal with other explanations should any more issues arise. Yes, it's okay to get mad, I do too sometimes but I can't make someone else meet me halfway if that person doesn't want to. Eventually my own son will want answers and he will seek them from the source. The answers will face the documentation and the letters that we already have. This is her burden. Let her explain.

Sylvester, I agree with Momto1, I had not understood the situation. I did not know that the birthmom had previously agreed to call you on your child's birthday. If this is the case, then I do think she owes you some explanation for failing to do what she agreed to do. It sounds like the birthfather is bad news, not someone you would want in contact with your child at this point. The mother, however...well, she hasn't lived up to the agreement you came to with her, but I don't think this means that contact with her would not be beneficial to your child. A lot of contact might be better than a little, but a little is surely better than none. I still think she might do better at remaining in contact once the child is old enough to understand and benefit, because at that point she will be doing it for the child, and not for you. Although I'm sorry she's not doing better at it now, since you are the adoptive mother, and are certainly deserving of her consideration and respect. Sincerely, Sharon

I think that you need to accept and appreciate whatever the bmom can and does give to you and your family. If you were told that her maturity level is of a 14 or 15 year old, you should not expect her to act any older than her maturity level. I think that you are doing what I do all the time...expecting people to act as responsibly and sensible as I act or I think that they should act. Maybe it is beyond this bmom at this time to be responsible or do as she says that she will do. You can't insist or force her to act any differently than she will act. Don't beat yourself up because she did not do as she said she would do. This is not about you; this is about her. She will have to accept what she did and did not do.

I think that you need to accept and appreciate whatever the bmom can and does give to you and your family. If you were told that her maturity level is of a 14 or 15 year old, you should not expect her to act any older than her maturity level. I think that you are doing what I do all the time...expecting people to act as responsibly and sensible as I act or I think that they should act. Maybe it is beyond this bmom at this time to be responsible or do as she says that she will do. You can't insist or force her to act any differently than she will act. Don't beat yourself up because she did not do as she said she would do. This is not about you; this is about her. She will have to accept what she did and did not do.

what if you do have an open adoption and you guys missed HER birthday so now she feels like you guys don't care that much about her? Maybe she feels really bitter about that. Maybe you don't know when her birthday is or asked but cannot remember anymore. maybe that is why she didn't call. sure, she should have called, but if her birthday is not important to you, then why should she call you regarindg the infant she put up for adoption when she can only talk to you and not the baby because the baby is still young? If I were her, in her shoes, and the amom and dad forgot my birthday and we were in an open adoption, I would feel like i don't even exist. isn't open adoption like an extended family? it may sound like i am being selfish, but if I put my baby up for adoption in an open adoption with people I talked to all of the time, and really liked and then htey didn't even call me on my birthday, i would feel stupid. and if she has two jobs and another kid, she still should have called but maybe she had to work at the last minute or didn't call because she feels truly like an outsider. i don't know.

In addition to what numbr1dbcksfan is saying, I want to say that some people can be very caring and think good thoughts about you, but not be the birthday/holiday-observing type. I'm like this and I know other people who are like this. I might never remember a friend's birthday, but if that friend ever needed anything, I'd be right there. Annual traditions are mostly meaningless to me, and to a lot of other people. Other possibilities are that maybe the bmother is an introvert. Maybe the class differences between your family and hers are uncomfortable and embarrassing to her. Try to have compassion. Perhaps explain to both your children that different people have different ways of showing love. As the bmother matures, things might get better. Or they might not. As an adoptee, I really believe that the fundamentally important relationships to your daughter are those she has formed with you and the rest of her immediate a-family. She knows about her roots. That's great! And if her bfamily becomes a big part of her life someday, then that might be a good thing too, IF they are good and kind to her. If they are not, then she's far better off without them around.

Honestly, I really think your being a little unfair to the birthmom. You have a precious child in your home to take care of and nurture, and she relies on you for all her celebrations in life-you are her Mommy. Anyone can give birth to a baby, but it takes someone special to be a Mommy. You said she has a very low mentality level, and she may just be acting her age. The point is, no matter what she said or didn't say...the bottom line is...your the Mommy, and you shouldn't worry about what other people do or don't do for your child, your the Mommy, and everything in this child's life depends on you. I have family that never calls my children on they're birthdays or holidays, but that's they're loss, because they are missing out on a child's love that they could share. Although, I would limit the popping in and out of her life that this woman seems to be doing, because this could have harmful effects in the future, kids need constant people in they're life, not just pop ins.........Sincerely, Brenda...

Sylvester...this concerns me. See, I hear a lot of judgement here. Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think having a ninth grade education (I'm a birthmother, and I never even REACHED ninth grade myself! Dropped out in eighth, later got a GED and went on to college.) or being so nervous at a visit that she babbled about trivial things (happens to the best of us) necessarily means that the birthmother of your child is going to "create a lot of hurt in her life". It's a tense situation, and perhaps everyone just needs time to adjust. From what you describe, the birthmother certainly has her flaws and limitations, as do we all, but I don't think it's fair to toss her in the same garbage heap with the birthfather, a drug addict/ convict, and say that they are "both going to cause a lot of hurt in your daughter's life". Many people, when under intense stress, are reduced to babbling or inconsequential small talk. Sometimes people just forget what it is they wanted to say, and find it necessary to fill the uncomfortable silence that results. Perhaps you could suggest to the birthmother that when she comes for her next visit, she bring a list of all the questions she wants to ask. You might want to do the same. You might also suggest meeting somewhere besides "in your home". A restaurant with a playscape or a park might be a better idea...more neutral turf...perhaps this would make the birthmother feel less intimidated and more able to open up. Above all, it concerns me to hear that "there are days when I want to give up on this girl". From what you describe of the situation, she has done absolutely NOTHING that would justify such an action on your part. Breaking off contact for the reasons you've cited in this thread would be morally wrong, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable the contact is at the present time. I hope you can all work through your negative feelings toward one another. I can tell from your posts that you WANT to work it out, and that you're TRYING to work it out...it just sounds like you and the birthmother are working at cross-purposes. Maybe it would help if you and she could get some counseling to deal with some of these issues. Best of luck to you; hang in there. :) sincerely, Sharon

Thanks for everyone giving their point of view. I always like to get an outside opinion. Sharon, I don't mean to sound like I am judging the bm. There are other things that have happened in the past with her that make her empty promises difficult to deal with. There have been a lot of lies passed around. We have contacted our agency numerous times. She will not respond to them when they offer her more counseling, to be a part of a support group, etc. Vicrose, I don't think I am being unfair to the bm. I am fulfilling my end of the agreement that was made at placement and I expect for bm to do the same. Yes, I am mommy and give my children the love, support, and guidance they need, but I didn't give birth to them. They are adopted and I am trying to embrace and make that part of their life a special and meaning full thing. I want them to be proud of the strength that their birthfamilies had, and when bm lets all of us down time and again it is hard to remain positive about her and the situation. Snackey, I don't recall ever saying that we missed her b-day. We ALWAYS send her cards for holidays and her b-day. We send gifts to her daughter. We don't ask that she in return mail gifts. We do want her to acknowledge the day our daughter was born.

Hello, My name is Linda. It sounds like bmom made the right decision for adoption and made a great choice of family. All you can do is what any good Mom can do..... BE THERE FOR HER!!! Your absolutely right. Yes this does hurt her. Yes it does make you angry because you know your daughter will be hurt by this or maybe she is hurting right now. Just reenforce how much you love her and talk about it or should I say listen to how she feels about it. Sometimes you don't have to say anything, just hold each other and cry. I didn't realize when I was a lost soul that you hurt so many people along the way. You really just think your hurting yourself because you are consumed with the pain of your mistakes. Her mother is ashamed of herself and maybe will never resolve that shame that drives her away. Yes it is a selfish sin that she will have to pay for one day. You have to weight the odds if you want to close the door on bmom. Will your daughter resent you for that one day? Every decision is tough and has consequences. I feel you have made good decisions so far leaving the door open. I know it's rough on both of you. The only suggestion I have is to invite her to Bday parties. If she's a no show or does not schedule a time to visit, don't expect anything. Good Luck and seek God's peace. Linda - innercore

Welcome to the board Sylvester - I'm Skye, the Host of this board. Wow, looks like you've already gotten a ton of great advice from Sharon, Number1, Momto1 and the others ...so, there really isn't much more that I can add. You've gotten many different outside opinions, so I guess it's up to you to take the advice you can use, and leave the rest. I'm a birthmom in a fully open adoption myself. I do agree ...open adoption is about the child's feelings ...but maybe she had something come up. Then again, why couldn't she have called the next day? Only she knows ...I hope you can get things resolved! I wish you the best! Skye

Sylvester, In no way was I attacking you...and I hope you didn't take it that way, I'm just trying to see it from an adoptees point of view a little bit. You child has a birthmother that they know, many of us don't even have that, and so it just sounds a bit strange that you would want to be so strict about the birthmother adhering by your adoption contract. Maybe it hurts too much to see her child in a home other than hers, maybe she felt it was the best choice at the time of birth, but sometimes has regrets about the adoption, and sometimes maybe she just wants to shut the whole world out, even the daughter that she gave to you, because the pain is so intense....I don't know the situation and by no means am I judging your stand on this matter.....but "you can lead a horse to wat, but you can't make her drink", and I really don't see any way that you can MAKE this woman abide by the contract if it is not in her heart....just leave the doors open.....and she will eventually come back....Sincerely, Brenda....