Deciding the "right" level of openness

I am in mostly the same boat as this, I too am interested in anybody's comments about these situations...Although, suburbanmom, I would send your profile to other agencys even if you don't switch.

Well I think all the bugs can be worked out but most importantly DONT agree to something you have no intention of really following through on. That means, if you are matched with a bmom who really wants ongoing visits ... dont push yourself to agree if you arent on board wholeheartedly!!! Its so much better to be honest up front, wait for a "perfect match" than to match and recant your agreements. The only other option is to seek some counsel, come to terms with increased openness and then agree to it - but ONLY if you are really feeling that way.

You ask some tough questions of which I certainly have few answers and I think Jensboys is right on target. I will tell you my opinion of semi-open adoptions as a birthparent however to a son who is now 7 months old. In my case I am not mentally unstable, a drug user, etc, etc. I have no idea whether my son's parents plan on adopting again although as they are now in their late 30's I suspect my son may be an only child. That said, we entered into a semi-open adoption with the arrangements like you want-agreed upon letters and pictures. It sounds good, it really does. As a prospective birthparent before my son's birth I figured this would be the best way for me to move on with my life which is why I chose this type of adoption. The problem I have found is that people change, circumstances change. What sounds good before an adoption doesn't always sound as good afterwards. In the long run the ability to have some degree of flexibility as times and circumstances dictate IMHO be the best approach. That said be honest with yourselves and stick with what you feel comfortable with. Be certain that you are always putting the needs of your children first. Let that be your guide and you will be fine. If semi is what seems best given the circumstances and situation of the birthmom than go with that. Don't know if this helps much but had to add my two cents worth.

Great answers Jen and Janet - I second them both! Never agree to anything that you as a family are not comfortable with. (take into account how the extended family may feel about open adoption too) Fully open adoption is not about picture sending, but relationships. If you and hubby are not comfortable with visits, or plan on moving far away, then I think it is best to be honest with a potential birthmom about your wishes. There are plenty of birthmoms who do not desire fully open adoptions, or adoptions with visitations. Here is an interesting article on broken promises from a birthparent's perspective: [url]http://lifemothers.com/broken.html[/url] I think it's great you are here asking questions and open to receiving advice and a different viewpoint. I wish you the best on your journey! Skye Forum Host

I have to agree with Janet completely -- you need to choose a situation that is best for you. There is a child's life involved here -- one who is going to rely on you to teach them about life, their history and their future. Listen to your heart -- your child is out there, it may take awhile for THAT match to happen, but it will happen.

suburbanmom.....one point that you brought up hit particularly close to home.......... we have an open adoption ( including visitation) with or sons maternal birthfamily. We have talked of adopting again (hopefully next year) and have asked ourselves what type of situation would we agree to? I am not against another open adoption, but I do know no that it takes a lot of work and committment. We are willing to go the extra lengths, like we have for our son, but what if the bfamily is not? How difficlt would it be to have 2 children with different types of openness? What do you say to a child when they ask, "why does HIS bmom come see him, and mine DOESNT?" Thoughts like that scare the crap out of me!

I am going to be a birthmother of twins. I think adoptive couples and birthmoms need to match with what they feel comfortable with. I am going to have an open adoption. with ongoing visits. I am placing with my parents. Even if I wasnt going to place with my parents I would want ongoing visits. I wouldnt feel comfortable with a semi open adoption or a closed adoption. I go to a group for birthparents. I dont know to many people there that are going to have a semi open or closed. their all having open with ongoing visits.

I personally wouldnt have a semi open adoption. semi open is not for me. a full adoption is for me with visits and photos and stuff along that line.

Thanks for the responses. We've done more thinking/talking/soul searching and agreeing to visits up front just isn't something we are comfortable with. We can see that as the relationship grows, this is something that could happen in the future if mutually agreeable, but we won't promise them upfront for the reasons I've already mentioned.

Hi Suburban Mom, You've gotten a lot of good replies, but I'd like to add my two cents anyway. I placed my daughter in a very open adoption last year, and the level of openness is what keeps me sane... I can't imagine not seeing her until she's an adult. Of course, not all birthmothers feel like that, and some may be will to accept a semi-open adoption. Be aware that situations do change. I think it's great that you're willing to parent a child who may be born drug addicted. And yes, a situation like that could possibly mean dealing with a birthmom who has a drug problem. Just remember that it may not be like that forever. If she cleans up and stays sober, she might be a great person to have in your child's life. I would be upfront with any potential birthmoms who contact you and let them know that you do hope to move closer to family. It's not fair to them to place with you because you're close by and then have you suddenly move. I get what you're saying about the potential for different levels of openness with the birthmoms of more than one child. Honestly, that's a question I asked my daughter's aparents. I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer to that question. Ask yourselves how you'd handle a situation like that where one child had a closer relationship with the birthfamily that the other did. What would you do? Would you reach out and encourage the involvement of the less-involved birthmom? Would you cut back contact with the more involved mom? What would you tell the kids? And there's your answer. I think the most important thing is to be honest with women who contact you. IMO, I think adoptive parents should tell birthparents what level of openness they want BEFORE the birthparents give their openness request... I asked my daughter's aparents what their ideal adoption situation would be before I said a word about how open a situation I wanted. That way I'd know that they were telling me what they really wanted, and not what I wanted to hear. Good luck to you. Emma

Thanks for all your responses. Last week we were matched with a woman in a neighboring state. She shares our desire for a relationship that involves the exchange of letters and pictures several times a year. She has this same relationship with the family that adopted her first born and thinks it works well for her. She actually does not desire visits. We've spoken on the phone a few times and get along well. She has exposed this child to drugs, but claims to be clean now. We will meet her in a few weeks and she would like us to be with her in the delivery room. DH and I are excited about this situation as our desires for the adoption clearly match with the ones that "V" has.

My daughters birthmom didn't know what type of contact she wanted when we got matched with her. At first we wanted Semi-Open. We went to visit for 4 days so she could get to know us. We just fell in love with her. What a kind and gentle person she was. When my husband and I went to our Hotel the first night, we decided me wanted Open adoption. Just meeting with her totally change our minds..We gave her our phone number, email address and home address!! Well, after the baby was born, the birthmom didn't want to see what the baby looked like. She still didn't know what kind of contact she wanted. So the grandmother and I decided I would send pictures and photos every 2 months. My daughter is one and I still keep my promise. The birthmom still hasn't wanted to see letters or pictures of her daughter. I am one of those adoptive moms that wants open adoption with my daughters birthmom. I always hope she will call or just send a letter. I will never know how she feels. I do talk to the Grandmother every 3 or so months, When it was my daughters birthday, she recevied NOTHING!!! Not even from the grandmother. I just sat down and cry. I want my daughter to know that she has another family and I want her to know that they cared. Well, one week later, we received a box from the UPS man and it was from the Grandmother. I just was shocked, I sat down and just looked at the box and cried for about 5 minutes. That was the best present my daughter could receive. So when I read about how birthparents are treated by the adoptive families, I just get so mad. There are alot of us out there that do care and love the birthfamily that gave us a chance to be parents..I want to thank my daughters mom for making me a very happy mom to her.. Thanks for letting me write this. We are adopting again and I hope and pray that we will have more of a open relationship with the next family!!! Cathy (mommy to Lexi)

My husband and I have a semi-open adoption...no visits, but lots of contact between she and I. We decided this was the best option for us for several reasons. 1) we have 2 other children and we thought it might be a confusison and uphevel of all of their lives to try to incorperate a whole other "family" into ours...even though, on some level, she is very much a part of our family as we love this young lady dearly! 2) she was VERY young when she gave birth and we thought it might be easier for her to go on and try to hold on to some of her own childhood. 3) given her age, we didn't want to commit to visits that our daughter will one day come to count on...and that her birth mom may no longer wish to continue. She is young and may get a job, go to college, have a boyfriend etc and find it difficult to continue with visits...she may even decide she doesn't want to and we didn't want her to feel obligated to 4) we live in different states...she is too young to drive and it would be terribly difficult to load up 3 kids and travel many hours to her state, arrange a visit "somewhere", pay for hotel, meals, gas, and there is so much to do with 3 kids...and my dh works too. We thought it was jsut too much for us to do. We never really planned out with her what we would do, only that I promised to send pictures. Well, after her birth, I started sending pix...we are not on a schedule. Some people send them 1 or 2 times per year...I send them every few weeks. I send her cards, emails, 2 videos so far, foot and hand prints every few months to compare size, stats everytime we go to the pediatrician. She emails me and asks about her and I send a quick reply. Her family snet a birthday card. She asked me if it was ok for her to send a letter for me to keep to give my daughter someday and I thought that was wonderful. I was afraid of "openness" at first...when the adoption was not a "sure thing"...when I was afraid this little girl who I love and adore could be taken away at any moment. But now, there is a comfort. She knows we love and take good care of her baby. We know she isn't going to just show up in tears or have the lawyer call to make us bring her back. I came to desire for this young lady to write a letter to *our* daughter, but didn't want to ask her to do it. I waited for her to be ready. I save every email she has ever sent. Pictures of her...everything I have of her I keep for my daughter so she can have that connection and know that she is loved...and that she wasn't "given away" and isn't "unwanted"...she IS loved, unselfishly...by MANY people particularly by the mother who gave her life.