Adoptees that Have Ideas on Healing

i dont know how i do what you said i do but thanks... im still happy that i know what blood type i am!!! it means alot and will help in my screach im a few mounths

Hi sammie I know how you feel :) every little bit of personal information I learn about myself is like another piece of the puzzle :) I know you're learning to parent yourself (the hurt little girl inside you) because you listen to her voice. I can hear her in your posts. You let yourself feel your pain and sadness about losing your mommy and that is very brave. I know it hurts and hurts sometimes but know that it's OK you survived all of this pain when you were a little girl and without help Now you are learning to help yourself Whenver the sadness comes up say outloud in your head: I know it hurts I know you are sad I love you and what happened then is not your fault and cannot happen again I know it feels like it can but it can't we are safe, we are OK Give your little girl inside a hug and hold her until she feels better You're a very strong and brave young woman (even if it doesn't feel like it) and whatever happens in your search I know you'll be OK I hope you find your mom so she can see what a fine young daughter she has -Marijke

thing is i have been have alot of crying fits about lil things like i couldnt remember things on a test today so i had to leave the room and cry and the thing is i never cry over a bad test and it hurts everytime i cry its like it all just happened and it happened forever ago normally i just push down the tears but i cant at the moment!!! it really stinks

Oh Sammie I'm sorry all this bubbled up for you at test time You are so right, it STINKS and it's not fair what happened to us I am sorry you are hurting and I'm angry too that this **** happened to us adoptees and that our adoptive families don't acknowledge and validate our feelings We have to learn to do that for ourselves Please, give yourself a big hug and know it's ok to cry there is nothing wrong with you it's your situation, what happened to you that is wrong and all f!*@%d up Cry, it's OK the pain has to come out when you stuff it down it's still there and it acts like poison and it builds when you cry (and give little sammie comfort you're letting some of the pain out. You have to grieve for all that you lost It hurts and hurts and sometimes it feels like you'll never stop crying but you do eventually Eventually, you'll find you don't need to cry quite as much and you'll know that when you do need to cry it's OK You won't be afraid of it anymore Have you found an adoption support group you can go to? I can help you find one if you would like Support groups provide a safe place to let out the pain, express your sadness, confusion and anger. It's also where you can learn how to give yourself the love and caring you should of had from your mommy (along with other adoptees who feel the same way you do) You just let me know and I'll message you some contact info ((((((big hug)))))) -Marijke

its just my dad dosnt know about anyof this and he dosnt want me thinking im adopted but his even though he never wanted me...it just hurts and i cant help but wonder who what where why and when this all happened i dont have my own memorys anymore i do have flash backs and it is all so scary!!!! and i hat all this!!!

Sammie, Get yourself a copy of Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make by Sherrie Eldridge. It talks about lots of things, but also how our adoptive parents make us feel from time to time, things they say, and how we should respond. Hang in there. Love & prayers - NikkiLGA

i would love to get the book but money is tight and i dont want my dad to buy it for me... i dont want him to know i am thinking about the fact i am adopted...

I understand that you can not tell your aparents that you are searching, but take it from me, you might want to consider talking to him about it. I did not tell my aparents that I was searching and it just added to the stress and emotions involved in searching. I did not think they would approve but when they found out they were very understanding. What upset them was the fact that I did it behind their backs. And I felt so much better after I talk to them about it. You never know they might even know info that will help you. I am a mom, and I love my children and I know your aparents love you too, and would probably do anything for you. A parents love can survive many trials and tribulations, so trust them, and let them have the oppurtunity to help you thru this. This searching takes a lot out of you and you need some supprt. If you can't talk to them, then talk to somebody.

Call your local library and see if they have the book. If not, let me know, and we'll see what we can do to get you a copy.

Also, Sammie, check out the book's authors website: [url]http://www.adoptionjewels.org/[/url]

i refuse to wait!!!well i am going to wait til im 18 i have to but i cant let my adad to know beacuse of the fact i dont want to run to him for help like i always do... and i know that i my amom dosnt love me i am a pawn in her game a game she is losing and is still trying to win if she loved me she would stop playing the game and start acting liking a mother... she never has and never will she dosnt know how to! i will talk to a local libary

good afternoon, i've always known i was adopted,but growing up was hard. i just pretended to put on a happy face for everyone. inside i was hurting,i cried every day. i went through soooo many counsilors.noone understood how i felt. a few years ago i was tired of not knowing,even if it was bad. i sent away for my adoption decrees,and in about two months had my info. i read it over and over,tryoing to get a feel of my birth parents,back then. then one day as i was in a book store,i bought this book that tells you how to locate family. i called with the info i had in my papers,and within ten minutes i found my oldest sister in texas! i called,and she was hesitant at first,but once i asked her if she knew anything on the ALEGRE family? she screamed,and asked if i was veronica?! it was soooo exciting,she almost hungup on me,but,i gave her my number,and with the next few hours i had talked to most of my birthsiblings! i'm number 14,i have a baby sister..whom i'm still trying to locate. i call them alot! i even went to see some of my family in kansas. thanks for listening. veronica

you are fortunate. I wish the best for all of you. I have decided that I am the root of my own family tree. I am trying to give up the past.

Hi Sabra, This is in response to your post regarding knowing more about adoptees and perhaps what can help them. I am a male adoptee who has searched for my family for a very long time. For many reasons, there is little hope that we will ever have a reunuion. I was sold on the black market and taken to a foreign country. The years I spent with my adopted family were full of all types of abuse. There were long periods of grief and loss as well as feelings of being an outsider. At some point i decided that perhaps "journaling" would help. As a result I wrote my lifes story. It took a long time and many buckets of tears. When it was finished, I kept it. After all, it was my story and not for just anyone to read. At that time I was a subscriber to a "searching" magazine. The magazine solicited its subscribers to tell their stories. When I sent mine, they published it. As I reread my story I began to realize that through "journaling" you can find some peace and serenity. The story writing has a way of pulling together the pieces of your life that are fragmented in your thoughts: not unlike cleaning up the disc on a computer. It takes away the minute details of "I said," and then "she said" pieces of the past. After writing your story, what U begin to look at and remember most are the events, not the small details. Additionally, by writing your story there can be a sense of finality and this puts a period to always going back and reviewing small parts of your life that are hurtful. It seems to provide a handle for dealing with "triggers" and "flashbacks." When a "trigger" appears, U have the means to accept it, but also to agree with yourself that this is hurtful, and it is time to try to control your trigger thoughts and go on to something else. There is no reason to fear the past, it will always be a part of our lives. What we need is an effective means to deal with it. For me, the writing of my story helped me to grow and see that the difficult periods are just that...difficult periods; they are not new experiences realating to those old wounds. As difficult as it is to do this, I recommend the story writing as a means to help adoptees with their thoughts and use it as a tool to help overcome grief, loss, and sometimes despair. It wont be easy, but the rewards are large. Drywall

Hey PMoon, Once I was a teenager too and I can relate to your feelings. It sounds like you are dealing with feelings of grief and loss and those of being an outsider. Hang in there...It wont always be that way. As you get older the feelings you have about the adoption will be less strong...and in time they fade away. Because you are a teenager now doesnt mean that U dont have feelings that are very real. Try not to feel bad about yourself. The things that happened are not your fault, its just the way they are. You are not bad because you have all these feelings. You will overcome them, But right now its important to keep seeing your therapist, and tell him/her how you feel about everything,it will help.