What now?

Steve Your daughter sounds very similar to two of ours. THey are now 19 and I am so glad. What some may not realize is that until the child is of legal age, we are considered responsible for them. One always put me in the middle, either her reasons for doing things was to have freedom, but if she didn' t like something, she said I should have taken more control and been tougher. I couldn't win anyway. She wanted to be mad at me. She used the ploy of blowing up, smashing things, screaming, basically over-reacting, which took the focus off what the original problem was and then put the focus on how "we reacted to her blow-up". We finally got her in a religious residential program until they refused to keep her. We hoped she would be able to do better if the problem was us. She moved in with a family who she put on her sweet act for and totally fooled. When they couldn't take it anymore, she found someone else to take her in. She takes her pattern with her. IT isn't like it was all horrid. There were good times and we tried to build on that. We kept trying to build responsibility and accountability. However, we were doing all the work. We have had to let her go her way and realize we were a rest stop (an 11 year one) on her journey. We went through false PS reports, much damage to home and cars, and death threats. I understand some of your feeling right now. We wish no harm to her, but there is no positive relationship to fall back on or build on. It is as if she is addicted to being a victim and tried to get us to be enablers. It is so sad. She is bright and beautiful. However, we can't take anymore of the abuse.

As long as I lived in my parents home, I was required to follow their rules. That is showing respect. So many of the kids today are not taught to respect others and it is showing in our society. My concern would be that until she turns 18 you are responsible for her and if she damages anything or hurts anyone, ultimately you are responsible. I wish you luck. Felicia Mom to 4, waiting on one more (ages 22, 14, 13, 9)

Well, since I have to admit I have no real life experience with teenagers (other than having been one 30 years ago) (if the homestudy process would hurry up, maybe I'll have a chance to have real experience before I shuffle off the mortal world), I'll quote from a couple books. I'm sure there are better books to quote, but these are the two (from the library) I happen to have at hand today. This one is from a book about boys, but I think it probably applies to girls too: "A sure way for parents and teenagers to get in a muddle with each other is for parents to take what their sons do too personally. Adolescent rebellion is usually directed at parents, because we are the closest authority figures around. Part of our job as parents is to be there to reflect back to our sons who they are ...[snipped, got boring]. Because of this, we feel the brunt of their searching. Most of the time, however, they break the fences [this author calls limits fences] we so carefully built, not to punish us or to get back at us for something we did or didn't do, but because they are motivated by their natural desire to become autonomous. The teenage boy wants to run his own life. He wants to become a man. He finds the weakest links in our fences because he is testing himself just as much as he is testing us. When a son intentionally or unintentionally breaks the rules of the house, he needs our feedback about how his actions affect the lives of others. Sometimes he needs more pasture to roam in, and other times he needs less. Fences for a teenager can change from day to day. They must be discussed, reevaluated, and shifted to fit, regularly." "Basic guidelines for setting limits and boundaries with teenagers are: 1. Only set up fences you can enforce. 2. Spend more time in conversation. 3. Be Kind. [I'm too lazy to type in the descriptive paragraphs for each numbered item, so this isn't a complete quote] 4. Always follow through. 5. Choose fences after careful thought. 6. Discussions about fences are best done in private. 7. It is still best that consequences fit the misbehavior. 8. Before setting a consequence, decide what you want to achieve. 9. Sometimes letting the consequences fall naturally where they will is the best trade-off in the end." I think the original poster's situation was fitting most of the above guidelines, except probably not numbers 2 and 3. That is how it sounded to me anyway. More quotes: "Early one morning I discovered that the motor to our Volkswagon was hot. Then our sixteen-year-old son Matt came down to breakfast looking as though he hadn't slept all night. He claimed not to know anything about the car. I figured something was up. On Saturday, I took him to lunch at a favorite place of ours. I confronted him right out. 'Where were you early yesterday morning?' I knew his story was going to be good. He always drives our other car because he can't drive a stick shift, and the Volkswagen Bug is rarely used. Matt hemmed and hawed a bit, and finally spit it out. He had driven ten miles in first gear to his girlfriend's house at 3 a.m. He climbed in her bedroom window on the second floor, made out, got back in the Bug, and couldn't find reverse. He pushed the car into the road, drove home in first gear, turned off the motor, rolled it back into place, and crawled into his bedroom window at 5 a.m. His story had to be the truth, because it was so ridiculous. He had used the Bug because it was parked down the hill, away from the house. All I could say was 'Son, you are one of the most determined and inventive people I have ever known, but please, don't do it again. You could have gotten yourself shot by me, mistaking you for a robber, or by your girl's father, finding out it was you and not a burglar!" I like the above quote, because it shows a parent not jumping right on a kid about the taking of the car and lying about it, but treating the kid like a likeable person and consequently getting open communication and a chance to make a limit with a bit of humor so it would be listened to without defensiveness. The above quotes were from a book called 'Raising a Son' by Elium. The below quote is from the book 'Attaching in Adoption' by Gray. It is not so germaine, but I'm quoting it because in the checklist it points out a few times that teenagers can be bad for a year or two and still be okay. "Parents' Checklist for Stage VII [that is what they call ages 12 to 19] Emotional Development 1. The teen uses the parent for help when in an emergency. 2. The teen says they love the parent even when they do not need something. Teens may miss a couple years of 'I love you' and still be on-track. 3. The teen shares things about themselves with parents rather than being secretive. Again, there are lapses with teens, but they should not be entirely reclusive. 4. When the teen is sick or hurt, she wants the parents close. 5. The teen feels remorseful if something special of the parent's is ruined. [I find that pretty funny - it doesn't say they avoid ruining it or feel remorseful if it isn't special! Ha! Teenagers!] 6. The teen is usually honest with the parent. Teens may decline to discuss topics, and are cagey, but should not be dishonest. Intrusive parents may contribute to this problem. 7. The teen's value system is individualized from the parent's without being antisocial. 8. The teen thinks of the parent as strong and effective, with no more than one year's lapse. 9. The teen uses the parents or trustworthy peers to calm down when they are distressed. 10. The teen uses the parent's help in gaining knowledge about their world. 11. The teen finds the parent in the house, just to know their whereabouts. 12. The teen feels secure within parent's limits." I hope this quote (from the same book) is not appropriate, but I think I've read in other books similar stuff about adopted kids having a hard time when they get to age 18, thinking that maybe they won't be a member of the family anymore once they are grown up. "Later-placed adopted children often need several additional years on the timeline in order to complete their emotional and educational tasks before leaving home. Normalizing this reality throughout the teen years helps teens to think not in terms of age, but in terms of the skill set that they will need in order to leave the home. It is also helpful to stress the ways in which children will always have their family, pointing out how holidays are celebrated, and describing a family's ongoing help and contact. Histories of abandonment sometimes cause teens to experience vivid feelings of loss as they contemplate leaving home for the first time. Sometimes they want to leave prematurely, getting the loss over with." Okay last quote for today! From the same book: "Teens finish Phase VII with an idealized view of what parents and the world should be like. Parents should be perfect. Of course, parents are imperfect, and this is a disappointment which helps them move out of the family home with less regret. By the end of the phase, teens are forming deep friendships with peers."

Denverliz I had to smile when reading the quotes you sent, as I recalled some of the events of some of our teens. We've been through the 'out until 3am' thing, skipping school just to experience skipping school, dying the hair every possible color with every possible length, and the regular stuff of finding themselves and becoming independent people. However, some teens( and they don't have to be adopted, but adopted teens often have more baggage to unpack) go to extremes which are not safe. Natural consequences often are not learned from or they get themselves into consequences that they can't get out of. Also, as you said, they oftne mature later, and this means after the legal adult age of 18. This was a rude awakening, because after our duaghter turned 18 and ended up in the hospital on drugs, (I found out because of the insurance authorization fomr sent to us), I couldn't get information because they didn't t know if she had signed an authorization to release infomation to us! You may not even be allowed to parent them after 18. We were told to let her get out and do what ever she wanted. Well, now she is and it is a sad sad, story. I hope you get the experience of parenting and using your skills and knowledge. There are certainly kids out there who could benefit. We used "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. Lots of good stuff in the book. Doylene