how do you explain to your child that he only has one parent

I adopted my daughter when she was 18.5 mo. old, and she is now 7.5 years old. I have always talked with my daughter about how families come in all varieties -- single Mom, single Dad, same sex parents, grandma living with family or raising children, etc., as well as the more traditional. This is a necessity, these days, when the child at the next desk in school may have a single parent by choice, a divorced parent, etc. If it isn't discussed proactively, there will be lots and lots of questions and misconceptions. There are some very good children's books that explicitly mention single parents, like "The Best Single Mom in the World". There are also books that have somewhat ambiguous illustrations. I've used the illustrations in "Happy Adoption Day" to comment on family types, for example. Reading these books and discussing them can contribute to a child's sense that having just one parent is perfectly normal and OK. I've also made a point of hanging out with other single adoptive parents and their children. If a child sees lots of other families like his/hers, he/she will be much more secure that the absence of a Dad is OK. I hope that you live in an area where single parent adoption is common, as I do. It really helps a child feel comfortable with who he/she is. I was also lucky as I adopted from China. When you adopt from China, you generally travel in a group. My group included three single Moms. Our daughters are now extremely close. They are also used to seeing one woman-one child families where the parent is of one race and the child is of another. In addition, I've made a point of presenting my daughter with good male role models. I have a dear friend and former boyfriend who serves as my daughter's uncle or grandpa figure. He has babysat, done school projects with her, taken her to car shows and a chocolate factory, gone to dinner with her, and so on. I have a cousin who adores my daughter and has a wonderful sense of humor. He presides at family religious celebrations and dinners, and talks to her about school, religion, and such. Family friends cared for Becca when I needed surgery; the husband, who is Japanese, became my daughter's favorite male on earth, and they still have monthly "dates". When my daughter talks about wishing she had a Dad, I remind her of all the wonderful men in her life; I agree that having a Dad might be nice, but point out that she gets a lot of Daddying from these men. That being said, nearly every child adopted by a single parent goes through times when he/she wishes that his/her situation was different. This is normal -- and wishing for a different type of family is even normal in kids who have two parent families. My daughter went through one period of time in her late twos and early threes when she really, really wanted a Dad. She talked about Da' Oshi (Daddy Hiroshi), her Japanese man friend, so much that her classmates' parents thought I was remarrying! And there have been a few other times when the subject of a Dad got mentioned over and over again for a few weeks, then disappeared. I was lucky, of course. I know one child of a single Mom who went through a period of time in which she pretended she had a Dad, even occasionally telling preschool friends about him. It was quite difficult for her mother to support her daughter's wish for a Dad, and yet to make it clear that imaginary Dads had to be kept imaginary; lying to people and saying that she had a Dad was not appropriate. As to the issue of birthparents, it's hard for kids to understand much about them until they understand a bit about reproduction. The term "birthmother" won't mean much until a child knows that babies grow in women's tummies. Then, the child can come to understand that he/she grew in the tummy of a birthmother who could not parent a child and who made arrangements for him/her Mommy to adopt him/her. The child can learn to feel good about the woman who gave her life. The child may also go through a period, around age 7, of feeling sad that he/she could not stay with his/her birthmother. If the child's birthmother is unknown, as my daughter's is, he/she may express grief that he will never know why he/she was placed for adoption, whether he/she looks like his/her birthmother, whether his/her talent in music came from her, etc. The concept of a birthfather won't be well understood until much later. My daughter, at 7, doesn't understand the role the male plays in conception. She knows she had a birthfather, and that we don't know if the birthfather and birthmother were married, but does not yet express grief about not knowing anything about him. Having a birthfather is unlikely to be "enough" for a child who is going through a period of wishing he/she had a Dad, if he/she does not really understand what an important role the male plays in the creation of a child.

thanks for your post, i will start trying some of these responses the next time he starts asking. for right now, he has stopped the daddy talk, but i know it will start up again soon. thanks

I too am becoming a single mom to a son. And let me say a HUGE thanks for starting the thread and all the replies. I agree that as much as children need to learn that there are different people in the world there a different kinds of families.

My daughter will be 2 soon and has also started asking for her daddy.. I have told her that she doesn't have a daddy and have left it at that... I feel like she is probably a little young to know what it means to have a daddy and am not sure how to explain it to her... I try to get my daughter involved with the male figures in my family... She loves them and enjoys being around them.. I sometimes wonder if she will be happy when she finds out that I am a single parent and that she doesn't have a daddy?? Is there anyway to know that I am doing the right thing?? I strive to be the best mother that I can but sometimes I wonder if I am shortchanging her by not having a daddy around?

My daughter is two and a half, and will sometimes cry for "Daddy". Her last foster home was a single mom as well, and I don't think she honestly remembers her birth father. I realized that she was mimicking the kids at day care who cry or ask for their own Daddies. When she cries for "Daddy", I just say, "Mommy's here, baby" and comfort her that way, ignoring the whole Daddy thing. When she mentions it calmly, I say, "We don't have a Daddy. We have a Mommy, and a Mamaw, and a (her name)." As far as shortchanging my daughter by no providing her with a father, here are my thoughts: I don't think I'm shortchanging my daughter by not having a father in general. If I had found some great guy to marry, then threw him over, then I would feel bad that my daughter would not have a wonderful dad. But my daughter's own birth father abused her, so to my mind, she's better off with me, and no Daddy, than in that situation. Look at all the single parents out there today who didn't choose to parent alone, but are doing it now anyway. Even if we make the choices we think are right, they don't always turn out the way we expect. So better that we choose to parent singly, which is the right decisions for us, rather than marrying someone only for a parenting partner, only to have our child go through the pain of separation later, when we realize that parenting is not all marriage is about.

I am so very happy that this discussion was brought up!! It has been wonderful to get to know all the different ways that singles talk about daddy's... Thank you so much for encouraging those of us who sometimes wonder about out single parenting skills!!

When my oldest son was three, he asked me, "Mommy, are you married?" I replied, "No." He then responded, "Well, I'll find a good guy for you." Here I am four years later and he hasn't kept his promise! Ha! Ha! Anyway, we had a conversation not too long ago about family composition. At seven years old, he doesn't feel like he's missing anything by not having a father at home. He participates in Cub Scouts and this gives him yet another opportunity to interact with other boys and their fathers. We also talked about several families that we socialize with - some have one parent, some a mother and a father, and in one case, two mothers and three fathers (mulitple divorce and re-marriage). We discussed the fact one type of family is no better than another. As for my sons' fathers - they do exist; however, they don't exist in a manner beneficial to my sons. My oldest son's biological father is deceased, so that offers him a more definitive answer. However, my youngest son's fathers (whole other story) are alive, but unwilling and unable to parent. He has never known either putative father, so he does not attach a memory of a person to the name "father." I explained to him he doesn't live with his father because he is not able to take good care of him. At four years of age, he is not ready to learn the basis for his removal from his biological home. Just another thought - I remember in early elementary school there were several kids that told fibs about their father's occupation. Rather than telling their classmates that their fathers were grocery store managers or an accountant, they would say that the father was an FBI agent or a fireman. I realize this doesn't really apply to your toddler. However, I think sometimes kids will create a story that works for them to fill a void - or what they perceive as a void.

I am a single adoptive parent to a soon to be 3 year old girl. So she dose not have a father either. We talk alot about adoption and her favoriate book we read is called HAPPY ADOPTION DAY I do not think she really understand what adoption is all about but she knows that mommy wanted a baby and and went to the hospital when she was born and brought her home. She know she dose not have a daddy but we talk about all the people she dose have all of her grandparents and anuts and uncles ect...She still asks questions and I think we all just have to do the best we can to answer them as truefully as posssible so that our wonderfull children grow up feeling loved and secure and with no lies.

my son is four years old. he actually doesn't ask- he will just state the facts- our family doesn't have a daddy (he often adds right now, or yet), but if my mama gets married, then i would have a daddy. although his friends ask occasionally- and i say that my son does not have a daddy the way he does, but that he has a birthfather who lives in virginia. it's usally just enough information to satisfy curious preschoolers and my son seems very comfortable with that true answer. i also tell my son as many good and true things as i can about his birthfather, just as i do his birthmother. i think it's important for him to know that he has a birthfather, just as he has a birthmother, especially in the absence of a father, bu i have good friends who are in a long term lesbian relationship and just had a son (through AI) last summer. they plan to tell their son that he does not have a father, which is the truth in their case. I think parents being comfortable with the truth really helps. good luck.

Never look down on your self for being a single parent. Just because one is single does not make them any less good at being a parent if done right. and to me it sounds like you are doing a god job special since your keeping male figures around her. So I think you have nothing to worry about.

Just last night, my four year old son told my mother, "I don't have a daddy, but I have a grandpa!" I'm glad to hear that he appreciates the men in our family.

Thats just awsome to hear lambeausam I'm happy for you:)

What a great question. I am new to this site and this is the first posting I have read. I too am wondering the same question. I am a pre- adoptive (single) parent. I am in the process of adoption 2 young African American boys (ages 5 and 7) My oldest is asking "when they will be getting a dad?" I have tried to explain to them... but they continue to ask. Any suggestions would be great Nett

that is a tuff one. All I can say is try and find books about being single parents and see what they say about the question of daddy. I dont know what else to tell you.

I have a son through donor insemination and he doesn't have a daddy. I tell other people about a "donor father". A donor will never act in the capacity of a "daddy". What I say to my son is positive rather than negative: "We have a little family, a mom, a boy, a cat, and goldfish." At 2 1/2, he's excited about that. He's learning that grandma, grandpa, aunts and uncles, etc. are also family. He did ask my mom if he has a daddy. It's amazing that he didn't ask me or sensed that maybe my mom's answer might be what he wanted to hear. She didn't know what to say. I tell him that maybe we'll add a daddy to our family in the future if I get married. I think the daycare setting brings this on. Kids see mommies and daddies picking up some kids and begin to wonder. I don't think it means that they are actually feeling as if they are missing out. They don't know what they are missing (or not missing). Whether I get married in the future or not, I will tell my son when he's grown that he was fortunate to get all of my attention and time when he was very young since we were such a small family. I will also explain to him fairly early on that mom had a "helper" in having a baby. It's pretty complicated waiting for kids to be able to comprehend. I agree that joining support groups with other single parents is a good thing. Kids will not feel isolated in their family situation. And, there's more and more kids being raised by single parents anyway. I think it's harder to explain to a child who remembers their dad why he's not around anymore or interested. Cute note: for the longest time my son called anyone who picked up a baby or toddler a mommy--even if they were male. That's the only word he knew for someone who cared for a child. He would point to a guy and say, "there's Annie's mommy!"