feeling like a fish out of water

Hope21, So, the people you put down as references are the ones that do the recommendation letters? Except on the references it states that they should be other than relatives or Bishop. But you did have your Bishop do one right? Is it okay to do more than who is on your reference list? Well, I'm going to have to go tomorrow and get that book you suggested. I'm sure you'll love the book I told you about as well, its AWESOME! :) That is great that you had a great SW, I have talked to one on the phone and he was awesome, said that we might have him as our SW but whoever we get, we'll be in good hands :) I have a sil, (my husbands sister) who adopted in June 2000 and then by a miracle got pregnant on her own - and the dr's said that would be impossible. Anyway, they have a cute little girl and boy :) My sil suggested that we take family to some of our classes, and also teach them appropriate positive adoption language. Esp for my family since my mom isn't so good at such things. I think my husbands family will be just fine. I do have a sil (my brother's wife) who was adopted. And my brother gave a little girl up for adoption as well. So perhaps that will help them understand more of our decision. KWIM? YES! You said it perfectly... "being unsure of the process" - that is exactly how my husband has felt. And I did at one time too. I still do to an extent, but feeling more excited than overwhelmed, KWIM? GL on your journey to motherhood as well! Please keep in touch with me :) I would love to know how you are doing! :) Thank you again for all your help, I really do appreciate it! Luvs, Jennie

Hi my name is Rachel and DH and I are adopting through LDSFS right now. Our Home study is almost done (all visits are finished and we are waiting for our friends to send in thier recomendation letters.) We are basically approved but we will not be eligible until July 6th. (our second anniversary). We realized really soon into our marriage that we were going to adopt after IVF and a miscarriage. My DH and I also knew that this was the plan for our family as soon as we prayed about it. We both felt like you said "fish out of water". When we had our first interview with the sw she really helped answer questions and set our minds at ease (even with the questions we didn't know we had). I have also loved the classes. They have answered so many questions and made so many things more clear to us. At our 4th class they asked us to invite family and that was VERY helpful for them to all learn the correct terminology to use etc. I don't know if the classes your LDSFS offers are the same but I assume they will be similar. We have our second to last class tonight and I am sad because I love going every Thursday night. We started this whole process at the end of Feb. early March so the time from start to approval has also been helpful just to get more knowlegable about the process and to get used to all of the new and exciting things to come. It is exciting to know that we are going to have a wonderful little blessing in our home in the future (hopefully not too far off). My family has been great to include me as one of the expectant mothers (I have 3 sister-in-law's expecting right now) because when you are adopting you ARE an expectant mother (we just don't know when our little bundles of joy will arrive). I guess my advice is don't stress too much (there is already plenty to stress about!) you have time while you are getting your home study done to research and get your questions answered. GOOD LUCK!!! feel free to e-mail me if you would like I would be happy to answer and questions that I can.

My first thought after reading your intial post was that in order to not feel like a fish out of water, you guys have got to just jump in! Really, the application is such a little thing compared to the rest of the process that awaits you. It's after that application gets turned in that you really start learning about the process, being guided by your caseworker and (hopefully) your FSA chapter. Hope21 described the classes perfectly, how the first one was awkward and then you end up being great friends with the group of couples in your class. The first class was more of an intro and we didn't really get to know one another. They announced that the next week we'd be talking about our infertility and I remember my husband and I ranting the whole way home about how there was NO WAY we were going to open up our infertility experience to a roomful of strangers. Well, we sat there and listened to what everyone else went through and when it was finally our turn, we felt completely comfortable talking - and crying - about what we'd been through because everyone else had a similar story. By the end of the seven weeks, we had made friends for life. You asked about timelines. For us, it took us longer to get our requirements for the homestudy and approval done than it did to be selected by a birthmother - both times! Although much of the stuff is easily crossed off the list, we took a lot of time the first time around on the autobiographical questionnaire. Both times, writing our letter took WEEKS to get it just right. The photos were also time consuming to put together for the profile. Another forum that I've enjoyed, and that are quite active, are the adoption boards at [url]http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/forums/index.php[/url] As for your family, your SIL's suggestion about educating them is an excellent one. One couple in our agency did it by inviting everyone who lived close enough for a special FHE. They showed the "Single and Pregnant" video (you can borrow a copy from your agency) and talked about the adoption process, answered questions and bore their testimonies about adoption. You can tailor an FHE - or a series of them - to educate your family on those areas that are needed. If you don't have close family, a newsletter is a great way to educate. You can make it appealing by having not only material written in article format but also Q & A's, adoption-related cartoons (there was one in our FSA newsletter today that showed a woman telling a pregnant woman, "Oh, I'm sorry. You couldn't adopt?), a list of famous people who were adopted, adoption poetry, inspiration quotes, etc. There is a fairly new book out called "Adoption Is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. I haven't read it yet but it looks fabulous. I'm glad you are here. This board is a bit slow so the more, the merrier! Good luck! Angie

Hi! Rachel, thank you for your response! I'm so sorry to hear about your m/c. (((HUGS))) I know all too well what an ache that can be! When did your home study start? After you were approved right? And how long does the home study go for? Can you tell me more about what to maybe expect? So even though you are approved you're not eligible for any placement until July. Is that right? Or am I way off? Well Happy *Almost* Anny!!! :) Well, I'm glad that we are not the only ones that felt like "fish out of water" - that makes me feel better :) I think terminology is very important. They should have a class for family when you're going through the ttc process too - some people say the dumbest things - they are just ignorant, and I imagine this is the same thing. When I was going through all the m/c's and after my 2nd, I did my nursery (it was very healing) and I knew that no matter what it would not be in vain. One day my mom told me that she thought I should have never done it because we would never have children on our own... I was floored! But even more when after I told her that we'd adopt... she said you don't seem like the "type" to adopt... whatever that means?! Errrr :mad: So, I think it is important that SHE especially learns the appropriate terminology! KWIM? Wow, I never thought of this concept before; "because when you are adopting you ARE an expectant mother (we just don't know when our little bundles of joy will arrive). " I love that! Thank you for your insight! ctrcar, I totally agree with you about jumping in w/the application because there is so much more to go from there. But it just takes longer to process with my dh - on everything, not that he isn't ready, but does that make sense? What is an FSA chapter? Wow, that part about opening up about your infertility kind of freaks me out - I don't mind talking about it at all, but dh.. well, I know he's not going to be very comfortable with that. But I'm sure it will all work out just fine and he may even surprise me. When you do a profile, is it something you put in a binder? Or online or both? I am personally looking forward to doing a letter to the bmom! :) So, when you did the educational FHE w/your family - was your SW there as well? Or was it just you and your dh - that borrowed the video and went from there? I think the FHE thing sounds like a great idea, thanx! Ya, I saw that book; "Adoption Is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know" and wanted to know what others thought before getting it. I'm very interested. :) I've noticed that this board is slow! I also go to [URL]http://www.hopetoadopt.com[/URL] and have registerd on that site. I'll have to chk out the one you gave me a link to. And thank you for your email as well, I really appreciate all your help! Thanx so much!!! Luvs, Jennie

Angie, what is your screen name and where do you post on fertile thoughts? I just registered there.... Jennie

Jennie, Thank you so much for the (((HUGS)))! Right back to you! I will try to answer you to the best of my knowledge. We turned in our application and we approved to adopt meaning we have proven infertility so we could start the process. Our home study started with the interviews and all of the paper work. We have had all of our interviews and our home inspection (we stressed WAY too much about this... it was not bad at all). We have finished all the forms and papers. The agency puts all of this together and it is your "home study". I might be WAY off here but this is how our SW has kind of explained it. We finished everything we needed to do and she told us the they (the agency) were almost done with our home study so I assumed that it is a compilation of all the info you turn in and the interviews. As far as what I said about being approved but not eligible, you must be married at least 2 years to adopt through LDSFS. Our second anniversary is July 6th (can't wait!). So our SW said that our homestudy looked great and that we should have no problem getting officially approved to adopt we just have to wait till July 6th. Then they will mail our profile to the other agencies in Utah and BM's can begin looking at our profile. Your profile is your AA matching sheet (this has tons of info on it for the BM to read such as ancestry, features, education, intrests, hobbies, etc.) your picture collage and your Dear BM letter. These are put in a binder and they match you to BM's according to what she asks for and looks like. They usually give her 5 or 6 to look at. She can look at as many as she wants though. In the classes you will have a chance to see some profiles to get ideas as well as to clarify exactly what it will look like. We are are now playing the waiting game till July and then a whole new waiting game will begin! Jennie I was sorry to hear about the things you mother said... I think that sometimes our parents want us to be whole and well that they are greiving our infertility as well. I just wish they could be more careful about what they say. I also have started my nursery (crib rocker and painted) I love it. I was worried it would be hard but I know I will be a mother so it has been a blast to do it. Angie I LOVED your idea about a special FHE. We will definitely do that with our family. What a great way to help them all understand the process. Thank you! LOL, Rachel

Rachel, Thank you again for all your help! So, what does a home inspection entail? I'm just wondering, because our current situation is this: we have dh's sister, bil and their 2 kids and dog living with us for the time being until his bil can find another job (got laid off) and find a house. They basically have the whole basement (3 bedrooms) and we all share the family room and laundry downstairs. We also share the backyard and kitchen. Our computer room is currently in the nursery (upstairs) and not a lot of room to put stuff at the moment. KWIM? So, though I'm usually a very organized person, it looks a bit on the cluttered side KWIM? Okay, I knew about having to be married for 2 yrs... we have been married just over 2 years :) So, on the profile, if they are sent to several agencies... then there are duplicate profiles right? They are copied or what? Thank you for your comforting words about my mom. :) Again, thank you for all your help in this journey to motherhood :) (((HUGS))) Jennie

The home inspection is just to make sure that you live in a safe environment and that there is room for a baby. They'll check for things like smoke alarms and ask you where you plan to put the baby. I've heard that some CWs check to see if you have already childproofed but ours just asked what our childproofing plans were. She looked in the cabinet under our sink and asked where our cleaning supplies were. I showed her where I kept them on a high shelf in the pantry and she was happy that they were already out of reach for a child. Looking outside, she noticed the irrigation canal that runs next to our property. That was a concern until she learned that the city would be installing a fence along it to make it inaccessible. Stuff like that. They have to detail in their report a layout of your home so your CW might draw him/herself a little map in the notes. As far as your family living with you, if there is a possibility that they will still be living there when you have a baby (basically, if they will be there after approval), the state will require that any other adults have background checks done, too. When you do your profile, you will submit one copy to the agency for approval. If they want you to make any changes, they'll let you know. Once you have the green light, then you make however many copies they tell you to. For us, we had to have 20 profiles, total. We chose to make 20 originals but some people simply make color copies of their original. Each agency, at least in Utah, has a chapter of Families Supporting Adoption which is a volunteer organization that provides education and support to adoptive families. Some chapters are more active than others. FSA board members will most likely be the ones teaching your adoption prep classes. In our agency we have waiting couples activities where couples waiting for the first time can get together and socialize, compare notes on creating profiles, how they are handling the wait, that kind of thing. There are also educational workshops and other social gatherings that involve all the couples in the agency. Some chapters even have birth families involved, which is great. Besides giving the hard copies of your profile to the agencies, you can also put it online for free at providentliving.org. Ask your caseworker for more info on that. For a relatively small fee you can also put it on hopetoadopt, which I'm an advocate for since a birthmother who was living with us found her couple on there. As for the FHE, it was another couple in our agency who did that. I would have loved to but my family doesn't live closeby. Or didn't at that time, I should say. Anyway, they did it on their own without their caseworker present. The workers are SOOO busy that I'm not sure they'd be able to do that. Oh, I thought of another site you should check out. [url]http://www.2ofus4now.org/[/url] You can subscribe to a yahoogroup from there as well. :)

Hey Jen, Thanks for mentioning this site! If you want to see the forms from LDS FS I have them all, just come visit me! :D I wouldn't let Christine really look at them when we first adopted Josalyn since there is some very private stuff on there. I only let her read the bmom letter & see our pictures. However, I have everything saved if you want to look. These ladies are giving you some wonderful answers. I know that Jay is still thinking things though but like someone said it is easier to jump in and get the answers. (Since I know my brother I will already know his responce to that! ;) ) Also, since it has been 2 years since Josalyn's placement I have forgotten a lot and there have been some changes. There is nothing in the process to be worried about. It all sounds pretty nerve-wracking but once you are there it isn't so bad. And IMHO, much easier than any of the IF crap! Also, for the home visit/inspection, I'm hoping C & D are all moved out by then. It is one of the very last things you will do before you complete the homestudy. Our SW just asked the questions while sitting on the couch... things like is your home safe for a child. We needed to make sure we had our hot tub locked ect. The homestudy for Hannah/foster care was more strick and she walked through the house and checked things like fire extinguishers and medicine cabinets. I know this freaks Jay out but, if you have questions you can always ask me... his silly little sister! :D

Angie, thank you for dropping those books off to me :) I have a lot of reading to do now! LOL It was also very nice to meet you! And your very cute kids! They are adorable! :) And as always, thank you for answering all my q's. You have helped me so much! Oh the home inspection sounds just fine to me... I don't think we have much to worry about, we have a child gate at the top of the stairs and all the cleaning stuff up high... I'm sure there are other things we could do though that I'm not thinking of. But it sounds exciting! Hi Sarah, how did you find me? LOL There are some other great sites that these great gals have told me about, I'll have to share them w/you. :) I too hope that Christine and Doran are moved out by the time we have our little one. But if not, then things will be fine I'm sure.... LOL... Yes, you DO know your brother! LOL Well, we have a week according to his goal date of getting the app in and I'm anxiously waiting :) Thanx bunches! Luvs, Jennie

Jennie, You are getting some wonderful advice from the responses so far! My dh was very nervous/reluctant when we started our first adoption. I sort of prompted him, or perhaps dragged is a better word :p , through the process. Remember, that as you work through the paperwork and stress over whether or not it is perfect, that your birth mother will absolutely KNOW it's you when your child is ready to come to you! It doesn't matter what kind of paper you use, etc. Just listen to the spirit as you let yourselves flow into the words you write. Our first birth mother was looking at files, got to ours, and said she didn't even have to look further. It has been like a dream! We love her so much. With our second daughter, I knew without a doubt that she was coming probably four months before they called. It's much easier to look back and see how it happened than it is when you are in the middle of the prayers and questions. Listen carefully to the spirit and when you hold that baby in your arms, all the trials and tears will be worth it. Be patient with your dh. This process is much more abstract and difficult than simply getting pregnant and waiting for the baby. I don't know about your dh, but mind doesn't do abstract very well! Take care Jennie and hang in there! Allie

Allie, Thank you so much for your thoughts, and about following the prompting of the spirit. What you said about your dh made me feel better about him following through so slowly -- part of his nature anyway. But thank you. I truely appreciate it! Luvs, Jennie

Welcome to the rollercoaster of adoption! You are on the right track by starting your research and "learning" what's involved. You will find that what you and your husband are feeling is really quite normal! We have had 11 miscarriages and were emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. We had our first adoption packet for around 2 to 2 1/2 years before we actually filled it out! Laugh. We even requested a second packett somewhere in there, but once we met with our SW, he answered most of our initial questions. (Like someone said, even questions that we didn't even know that we had yet!) My husbands biggest issue was the health of the baby, no guarentees on the drug or alcohol usage. (We knew we were suppose to adopt, but we just didn't know what or how to go about it.) Our SW said there are no guarentees if you have a biological child. Which is right of course! (In our ward we have three families our age with birth children - one has a down syndrome baby, one autistic, and one born with water on the brain and severe brain damage.) It just goes to show once again that He is in charge. The Lord knows which children are suppose to come to your home and when they arrive, they are the perfect child for your family! My biggest concern was the "fear" of losing the child to the birthmom after placement if she changed her mind. May I just say here what a silly concern for us that was! We have been blessed through adoption twice and our children's birth parents are WONDERFUL! What a blessing it is in adoption now to meet them and get to know them. Yeah! You asked time frames, we are an example of both! Laugh. We started our paperwork the end of May, were approved in July, matched in August and brought our daughter home in November. A total of 5 months and a couple of days! With our son however, we were approved and waiting for him for 2 1/2 years. It truly is in the Lord's hands and when your child is meant to come to your home, he or she will! I hope that your journey is wonderful and that you have great support of family and friends. Looking at our two beautiful children, I would do it all over again in a second just to have and hold them. You will feel the same way when your children come. Good luck and I hope your journey is smooth and fast! :) (I think I'm going to go and read all the adoption books you all are posting about. Would you believe that after having gone through the adoption journey twice, I have NEVER read any books on adoption! Laugh. It has been such a Spiritual journey for us, we just relyed on the promptings to get us where we are!)

dougandheidi, (((HUGS))) to your many losses! Congratulations on both of your adoptions! That is so wonderful! And I know about timing... learned that the hard way. But I know that this is in the Lord's hands - whatever be His will. I know that we will have children one way or another. Regardless if we ever have biological children, I have always wanted to adopt and my husband mentioned early on in our marriage as an option... so for awhile its been on our minds, but not something we acted on until recently. Perhaps H.F. is trying to tell us something? Either way, I know -- we know that this is right for us... we are all God's children, and what a wonderful blessing that is! Oh, you need to read those books! Its been so awesome, I absolutely love them all! Thanx again, Jennie

I emailed you jenn, but I am glad that this forum is more active now!! I am in the middle of the homestudy paperwork and I had my 1st home visit. It was CRAZY but I already posted all about it in the Homestudies forum. You should go read it, you'll feel better. ANYWAY I am glad that more LDS couples are on here and have the same hubby reactions, more slower and more analytical reactions. I got most my questions answered right here on this site. It helps because nobody knows we are adopting yet. we want to surprise everybody, so I gotta talk to SOMEONE before I BURST and it's that much better that we are all in the same boat! Good luck everybody!