Just a Year Ago

I had no hope

My dreams were shattered

Four lives had taken shape in my womb

And four lives were taken by it.

Just a year ago

I feared that I would never be a Mommy

That no one would ever look at me

With that special love

That comes from trust, acceptance

And complete dependence.

Just a year ago

I railed at God

Over the injustice of a body that betrayed

My innermost longings

That denied me the “simple” gift of life.

Just a year ago

I woke up and gave away that anger

Let Him bear my cross once more

I placed my trust

And gave up a dream

To take hold of another.

Just nine months ago

I would rush home from work each day

Hoping for a phone call, an email

Needing someone to fill

My empty crib, my empty heart

Just nine months ago

I prayed each night

For that one woman who

Would look at me

And instead of a barren woman

See a Mom.

Just nine months ago

I would go through the baby boutiques

Looking at the pinks and blues

Wanting to buy so I could feel like a mother

But holding back because I wasn’t a part of that world.

Just nine months ago

You called and changed my life

You said I was good enough

You gave me your friendship

You gave me your heart

You promised me the angels you carried inside you.

Just four months ago

I was full of anticipation

I was full of fear

Would I be a good enough Mother?

Could they love me?

Would you go away and leave my life?

Just four months ago

I didn’t know what true happiness was

I didn’t know what it was to be so exhausted

I didn’t know what it was like to consider

A dirty diaper a privilege to change

Just four months ago

I had no idea what it was like to LIVE.

But then they were here

And so were you.

To have you stay in my life

Made my joy complete.

I feel selfish for wanting you to stay in our lives

When our lives are so full

But without you there would always be a hole

That only you can fill.

Now

I know what it is to be truly and utterly in love

I know that baby laughter is the sweetest sound God ever created

I know that a baby’s smile can brighten the darkest night

I know, in just a small part, how much God must love me.

I know, for the first time in my life, what it must feel like to have a sister…

And I know that I owe it all to you.

You are the best mother I have ever met.

I love you,

Tabitha

© Tabitha