Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption: Making the Adoption Decision: Questions to Ask Yourself

This information was taken directly from Child Welfare Information Gateway

Making the Adoption Decision: Questions to Ask Yourself

The decision to place a child for adoption is never easy. Like the decision to parent a child, it takes courage and love. Following are some questions that you may want to think about as you make your decision.

Have I explored all my options? While you may be leaning in one direction, it’s important that you take time and explore all of your options. The options that “rise to the top” may vary depending on your circumstances and beliefs. Carefully assess the benefits and challenges of each option, as well as potential supports to address any challenges. Are you thinking about adoption only because you have current money problems or because your living situation is difficult? If so, there may be other answers. Have you asked friends and family if they can help? Have you looked into local programs or called Social Services to see what they can do? Social workers may be able to help you find a way to parent your baby by assisting with finding a place to live, child care, job training, or other supports. Alternatively, have you considered placing your child (formally or informally) with a family member? If you want more time to make your decision, have you asked an adoption agency whether there are any short-term options available (for example, temporary foster care)?

Have I involved the baby’s father in the decision- making process? There are several reasons for involving the baby’s father, not the least of which are fathers’ rights and State laws about fathers’ roles and responsibilities in adoption.3 Most States require that the father (or the man you think is the father) be told about the baby before the adoption. This is true even if you aren‘t married to the father. While laws vary, your State’s law may require that your baby’s father (or your husband) sign legal papers agreeing to the adoption—granting legal “consent”— before you can place your child for adoption.4 In some cases where agencies and lawyers have pushed through adoptions without getting the father’s consent, the court has legally overturned the adoption. Note also that, in some States, if parents are unmarried, the presumed father (or “putative” father) has a certain amount of time to put his name on the State’s putative father registry or take other legal action to claim that he is the baby’s father. If you don’t know the father’s name or whereabouts, some States require that a notice be published.5

Keep in mind: Laws related to the father’s role and responsibilities in adoption differ from State to State. To learn more about the laws in your State, visit https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/birth/for/legal.cfm or ask an adoption lawyer or an adoption agency staff member to explain the legal requirements to you.

If you have a good relationship with your baby’s father, you may be able to help each other with considering the options and making a decision. Some women considering adoption, however, do not have a good relationship with their child’s father. For example, they may have had a violent relationship with the father.6 In such circumstances, you can ask an adoption agency or attorney to contact the father rather than deal with him directly.

Regardless of your relationship with your child’s father, it’s also important to think about your child’s future perspective. At some point, most children who have been adopted ask questions about their birth parents and the circumstances of their adoption. Many will want to develop a relationship with their birth father. An adopted person who finds out that his or her birth mother made the adoption decision without consulting the birth father may feel tremendous resentment toward the birth mother.

Have I talked about this decision with my own family and the father’s family? Your family and/or the father’s family may be a source of support as you consider what to do, even if the pregnancy has put a strain on your relationships. Besides emotional support, your families may be able to provide money, housing, and other kinds of help. In addition, if you are under 18 years of age, in some States your own parent(s) may also have to give permission for you to place your baby for adoption.

If you decide to go ahead with adoption, there may be someone in your family or the father’s family who would like to adopt your baby. Kinship adoption can help maintain the child’s connections to his or her family members and cultural heritage. (For more information on kinship adoption, visit https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/kinship.cfm.)

How might I feel in 10 or 20 years if I place my child for adoption or I parent my child myself? While it’s impossible to know for sure how you will feel many years from now, you should consider the long-term effects of any decision you make. For instance, you may want to think about your future with and without this child. How would raising a child or placing a child for adoption affect what you want from life? What support systems may be needed to achieve your long-term plans under each of your options? How might you feel if you go on to have other children, or if you do not have any additional children?

Keep in mind: There are no “right” or “wrong” responses to these questions, and you may not know the answers right now.

If you decide to go ahead with adoption, there may be someone in your family or the father’s family who would like to adopt your baby. Kinship adoption can help maintain the child’s connections to his or her family members and cultural heritage. (For more information on kinship adoption, visit https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adoptive/kinship.cfm.)

How might I feel in 10 or 20 years if I place my child for adoption or I parent my child myself? While it’s impossible to know for sure how you will feel many years from now, you should consider the long-term effects of any decision you make. For instance, you may want to think about your future with and without this child. How would raising a child or placing a child for adoption affect what you want from life? What support systems may be needed to achieve your long-term plans under each of your options? How might you feel if you go on to have other children, or if you do not have any additional children?

Keep in mind: There are no “right” or “wrong” responses to these questions, and you may not know the answers right now.

Continue to Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption: Selecting an Agency or Independent Adoption

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Resource

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2014). Are you pregnant and thinking about adoption? Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau.

Citations

3 For more information, visit Fathers’ Involvement in Adoption Planning at https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/birth/for/father.cfm.

4 For more information, read Consent to Adoption at https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/consent.cfm.

5 For more information, see The Rights of Unmarried Fathers at https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/putative.cfm.

6 For information on services for victims of domestic violence or sexual assault, see https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/domviolence/resources/.