Adoption Parenting: Teenage Years Part 2

Communicating With Your Teenager About Adoption

Adopted teenagers wonder about their birth families and think about adoption more than most parents realize. They need parents who are comfortable talking about adoption, who aren’t threatened or hurt by the discussion, and who can help answer their questions and discover information about their pasts.

Children are best served by parents who talk about adoption from the youngest ages with openness and in a matter-of-fact way. Teens should not be “surprised” with new information about their adoption. Keeping secrets generally implies something is wrong and often has more to do with the adoptive parents’ own losses, fears, and comfort than with the child’s needs. Do not wait for your teen to raise the topics of adoption and their birth family. Let your child know that it is okay to talk with you about adoption issues, and make sure that it is. Some children never raise the subject, for fear of offending their adoptive parents. Others act disinterested, when in reality they yearn for more information or for a safe place to express their feelings about adoption.

Use teachable moments

Find appropriate times and ways to talk about adoption. Rather than trying to force adoption discussions, parents of teens may have more success by using “teachable moments.” Look for events that naturally lend themselves to the topic of adoption. The arrival of a newborn in the neighborhood can lead to discussions of pregnancy, birth, and adoption. Mother’s Day or Father’s Day are logical times to offer help in researching additional information about birth family members and roots, if little is known. Take advantage of an international news special to talk about your child’s homeland. Articles about foster care can spur discussions of child protective services and your child’s experience, if relevant.

Provide opportunities for your adopted teen to talk to others about adoption without you around. An adoptive teen group (meeting in person or online), other adoptive families with teens, or an adoption mentor (an older adopted person) can provide a safe outlet for expressing confusion, anger, or sadness.

Provide full disclosure

Teenagers need more detailed information about their past than they could understand at younger ages. This information should now include all that you know or can discover about their genetic histories and their birth and adoption circumstances— including information that may be upsetting or difficult to share.

Adoptive parents often struggle with sharing negative information about their child’s birth circumstances, such as if the child was abandoned or if the birth parent had a criminal history. When their adoptive parents are not straightforward in sharing full information, however, teenagers often imagine something even worse than what really happened. Youth placed at older ages may have inaccurate memories of the experience. Further, some teens may become resentful if the truth is revealed later. Withholding information that they have a right to know can be harmful to building a trusting relationship with your teen.

As teenagers develop, they increase their ability to understand and consider situations from many viewpoints. This is an ideal time for adoptive parents to help their sons and daughters make sense of their histories, to come to terms with what happened, and to think of their birth families with compassion.

Develop a lifebook

Information about our origins and histories contributes to the development of our identities and our understanding of how we are influenced by our pasts. Some sort of permanent document can help us remember our life journeys. For adopted persons, such a document should include information about the time before they were adopted, photos and reminders of birth family members, and information about their genetic and cultural roots.

If your teenage son or daughter does not have a lifebook or similar tool that records personal history, now is the time to help create one. Adopted teens have created photo-essays, videos, and blogs or Facebook pages to tell and preserve their stories. Adoptive parents can help by teaching teens about Internet safety, making backup copies of all documents and photos, and keeping these valuable records in a safe place.

Offer to help your teen find people from his or her past who might provide photos, information, and even alternate viewpoints about the family’s circumstances and the need for adoption. You may need to do a bit of detective work, especially if the adoption occurred years ago. If your child was adopted from another country, help research the economic, political, and social situation at that place and time to shed light on possible birth and adoption situations. Your teen might want to interview a representative from the placing agency or orphanage to gather more information.

If your teen is not interested in gathering this information, keep the door open. Remind your teen that you are available to help whenever he or she is ready. You might even proceed on your own. The longer from the adoption date you wait, the more difficult it is to make contacts with people who can provide information. Preserve the information, photos, and memorabilia until your son or daughter is ready for it. For some adopted persons, this interest or curiosity does not arise until they become parents themselves. Then, they truly appreciate their parents’ efforts to preserve their histories.

Prepare for search and/or reunion

We all have a need to know who we are and where we come from. Many adopted adults want to know of and make contact with birth family members or others who share their ethnicity, race, or country of origin. An adoptive child’s adolescence is a good time for parents to prepare themselves emotionally for future searches for birth family members and possible reunions.

Remember that “search” and “reunion” do not have to go together. Many adopted persons want only to search for the identities of birth relatives. Not all want to take the next step of contacting and meeting those family members. Many need time to think and process information before taking that next step. The interest in doing so may be episodic, with more interest around birthdays or holidays, other significant dates, or special life milestones such as graduations or marriages.

When searching, teens must be prepared for a range of reactions if there has not been ongoing contact with the birth family. As the adoptive parent, you can assist by preparing your child and ensuring that any contact is appropriate. Often it is a matter of clear role definition for all parties. Professional social workers or therapists who know about adoption may be able to provide assistance.

Adoptive parent support groups and parent mentors can be helpful resources during this process. A professional counselor or therapist who knows about adoption issues can help you identify and address your feelings, fears, and grief, so that you can maintain an open and honest relationship with your child. Adopted persons may be terrified of hurting their parents when they search for their birth family. Your unconditional love and support will be very important if and when your son or daughter is ready to take this step.

Start preparing now by gathering information about how an adoption search is conducted in the State where your child’s adoption occurred. Private placing agencies may have their own resources and methods for assisting adopted persons in locating birth family. Professional search groups, registries, and the Internet can be helpful. International adoption agencies can help with communications and search services in other countries. Many State agencies maintain postadoption services, an adoption registry, or offer a confidential intermediary (someone who acts as a go-between) to help adopted persons, birth parents, and siblings who want information or to locate each other. The age requirement to participate in these services is usually 18 or 21.

For more information, visit the Search and Reunion section of the Child Welfare Information Gateway website: http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/search

Helping Your Teenager Communicate with Others About Adoption

Being adopted can affect peer interactions. Teens are capable of more sophisticated understanding and discussions about adoption, but they can be quite narrow in their judgments. It is common for teens to believe that “giving up” a baby for adoption is wrong, for example. Similarly, people who have no personal experience with adoption can at times make unintentionally hurtful comments. A teen whose adoptive status is obvious due to being of a different race or ethnicity from his or her family may encounter innocent questions or even judgmental comments from peers.

Adoption issues may also arise in the context of school, where the majority of many teens’ peer relationships occur. Parents have less involvement in their children’s schools in the later grades than they did early on. It becomes the responsibility of the teens to decide if they want to bring up the subject of adoption in their classes. They may even ask their teachers to include adoption in the academic curriculum (for example, in biology, genetics, or family life classes). The parents’ role is to raise the topic and ask if their teens want coaching on how to advocate for themselves with school personnel.

'What you can do:’

• Help prepare your teen for these issues to arise. If your son or daughter is newly adopted, classmates will want to know about those circumstances. Help teens anticipate potential questions and practice how they could respond.
• Help your teen understand that personal family information does not have to be shared with schoolmates. He or she should decide in advance what and how much to tell. Having a prepared “cover story” (a version of his or her story that is true but very limited in detail, to use when your teen does not choose to share more personal information) is not dishonest; it is learning to set healthy boundaries about how much and with whom to share. For example, “My first parents couldn’t take care of me, so now I live with my new parents.”

• Help your child avoid being a “spokesperson” for adoption, unless he or she wants and is prepared for that role. Some adopted students have taken great pride in researching many aspects of adoption, writing in-depth papers, or making class presentations. Your teen should feel free to say, “I don’t know about that” or “I’m not an adoption expert,” when asked general questions about adoption.

• You may find additional ideas and support by participating in an adoptive parent group—particularly one for parents of teens. Find an adoption support group near you by searching the National Foster Care and Adoption Directory: http://www.childwelfare.gov/nfcad

Disciplining Effectively

As teenagers assert their emerging identities and independence, while also navigating peer pressures, they frequently will test the boundaries of family rules. Be clear and consistent about your expectations and set reasonable limits (e.g., curfews). At the same time, allow your teenager to make choices and to see the natural consequences of his or her actions. Seek out additional resources on positive discipline approaches for teenagers, if needed.

For discipline to be effective with adopted teens, these requirements should be met:

• Focus on attachment and relationship building first, especially for children who have been maltreated or were recently adopted. Parents should work hard to create avenues of open communication that build a strong relationship and attachment with their teens.
• Discipline should respect the youth’s previous experiences. Some parents use removal of privileges as a consequence for a misbehavior or for poor grades. Adopted teenagers who experienced previous neglect and deprivation, however, may not respond well to the removal of privileges or possessions. Similarly, for children who have been neglected or who have some degree of attachment issues, requiring a teen to spend some quiet time near you at home may be a better option than isolating the youth in his or her room. If your child struggles with peer relationships or low self-esteem, do not remove an activity (such as a youth group or sport) that provides an opportunity for growth in these areas.
• Discipline should match the teen’s

abilities. Use of logical consequences is a fine way to encourage good behaviors and discourage undesirable ones. (For example, “If you drive irresponsibly, you will lose your driving privileges.”) But this technique will work only if the teen can understand the relationship between the behavior and the consequence. If a teen cannot clearly see the connection between actions and consequences, then this approach is not a good match for his or her abilities.

As you explore various discipline techniques, ask yourself if they are appropriate for your child and fit with his or her developmental level. Don’t hesitate to ask your child for help! (For example: “What can we do to help you remember to clean up the kitchen after you have used it?”) Being invited into the problem-solving process shows your respect for your teen’s abilities and motivates him or her to be part of the solution. As with all parenting, flexibility and a sense of humor go a very long way in helping both you and your teen navigate the adolescent years!

Preparing Your Teenager for Adulthood

An important part of parenting teenagers is creating the conditions in which they can master adult tasks and take on greater independence.

Mastering adult tasks

Teenagers need time to gradually learn and practice adult life skills, such as finding a job, managing finances, doing laundry, preparing meals, driving a car, and arranging medical appointments. Some adopted teens need extra time, attention, and encouragement to learn adult tasks. They may not be ready for adult responsibilities at the same age as their peers. Help your child learn to be comfortable with his or her own situation and abilities.

Teens who experienced unstable living situations may not be ready to live away from their families until well past the teen years, even if they are developmentally able. Some may choose to live at home and attend a local community college rather than go to a university where they would need to live on campus. Some adopted teens have even experienced sudden drops in their grades as graduation approached, due to fears about having to leave home before they feel ready.

Teens with learning delays or disabilities will require extra time and effort to learn adult life skills. They may need to experiment with alternatives and adjustments for skills—such as driving—that are not within their reach.

What you can do:’’'

• Teach and re-teach your teens adult life skills (balancing a checkbook, paying off a credit card balance, cooking, laundry, car maintenance, making doctor appointments, etc.). Provide abundant opportunities for supervised practice.
• If you adopted your child as a teen, check to see if they are eligible for any of the State’s Independent Living services.
• Check with your teen’s school about any transition services the district may provide.
• Explore substitutes or assistance for skills that are not manageable. Your family is the best judge of when your teenager is ready to partially or fully manage adult tasks.

Leaving home: Independent versus interdependent living

Very few young adults are ready for full “independent” living. We all need ongoing support and encouragement from family as we learn to negotiate the adult world. Launching adopted children from the family home brings some unique challenges. “Interdependence” rather than “independence” is a more fitting goal for young adults as they venture into the world.

What you can do:’’’

• Explain how you will help your teen move into adult life. Teenagers need to know how long they can live at home and whether or not their parents will help them with their first apartment rental, pay college tuition, keep them on the family health insurance, etc.
• Base your support and expectations on your child’s abilities, level of emotional security, and history—and not on their chronological age or what their peers are doing.
• Provide ongoing emotional and tangible support even after your young adult moves out of your home. Parents who visit frequently, assist with household management, help to fill out tax forms, and so on help young adults not feel too overwhelmed as they adjust to life away from the family.

Special considerations for youth with disabilities

Under Federal law, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, by the time a special education student reaches age 16, the school is to provide a plan that may include help obtaining further education, getting a job, or living independently. Parents need to advocate for these services. Communicate respectfully, clearly, and often with your school’s “transition coordinator” about your child’s transition plan.

Seeking Help for Mental Concerns

For many adopted persons, growing up in an adoptive family involves some additional complications and challenges. Adoption issues may come up episodically throughout an adoptee’s life, as well as throughout the lives of the birth parents and adoptive parents. (See the box about core issues in adoption, on page 6.) An occasional session with a counselor or therapist who is skilled with adolescents and knowledgeable about adoption issues, when needed, may be helpful. However, unless there is an urgent need for professional attention, having an adopted peer, a mentor, or a teen adoption support group can also be effective at addressing issues as they arise.

Adolescence is a time when mental health conditions may surface, including some with genetic links. Having a birth parent with a mental illness, such as depression or bipolar disorder, does not mean that your son or daughter will develop this condition, but he or she may be at greater risk.

Signs and symptoms

Adoptive parents should learn the signs that can indicate when to seek a professional opinion (medical or psychiatric). These include:

• Extreme moods or emotions. The teenager is:
  • Angry, sad, or depressed much of the time
  • Extremely fearful or anxious
  • Withdrawn or apathetic

• Risky or out of control behaviors, including:
  • Self injury
  • Harmful sexual activity
  • Eating disorders

• Substance abuse. The teenager:
  • Shows sudden and unexplained changes in physical appearance (such as red watery eyes, rapid change in weight)
  • Experiences physical symptoms (changes in appetite, vomiting, tremors)
  • Has unexplained changes in behavior, mood, attitude, or personality traits
  • Loses interest in hobbies or friends once enjoyed
  • Shows unexplained changes in school performance

• Anger management or relationship problems. The teenager:
  • Shows extreme anger or aggression with peers
  • Finds family interactions stressful
  • Avoids family members and friends
  • Has inappropriate peer relationships
  • Has no friends (is a “loner”)

Risky behaviors might be an acting-out of inner turmoil. Adopted teens may be at increased risk for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, as well as for eating disorders, due to previous abuse or neglect. Depression, anxiety, or relationship problems might indicate posttraumatic stress syndrome due to earlier maltreatment. Childhood trauma does not resolve itself; it needs to be treated by a qualified mental health provider.

Finding the right person to help

Postadoption programs, adoption support groups, and other adoptive parents can be good resources for information about local mental health professionals. Look for a therapist or counselor who:

• Has experience working with youth and families
• Is knowledgeable about adoption
• Understands any special needs your teen might have (attachment issues, medical conditions, learning disabilities, etc.)
• Includes the entire family in at least some of the therapy sessions
• Makes clear to the child that he or she is not “the problem”

For more information about life after adoption, visit the Help for Families (Postadoption Services) section of the Information Gateway website: http://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/postadoption/families

Summary

Despite the challenges, raising adopted teenagers can be very rewarding. With clear communication, supervision, guidance, and support, parents can help their teenagers prepare for healthy, happy, and productive adulthoods. Parents who respect their teens’ histories and birth families will foster strong and lasting relationships with their young adult sons and daughters.

Return to Adoption Parenting: Teenage Years or Adoption Parenting

Resource

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2009). Parenting Your Adopted Teenager. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.